Venting Lately I've begun to think about killing myself to spite my mother

[Deleted member 8353]

It's not as if that's the only reason I contemplate suicide, not even close, it's not even the main reason. But it's just ironic how in the past the main barrier stopping me from roping was how it would affect my parents, and that still applies to my dad I guess(although I barely ever see him), but I've grown to have extremely ambivalent feelings towards my mother.

While I do care about her in a sort of innate, involuntary way, she has done little more than sabotage me, throughout pretty much my entire life. It's as if she expects me to be her pet forever, as that's pretty much how she treated me as a kid, she barely taught me a damn thing. As if it's now somehow my responsibly to dedicate my life to caring about her, regardless of how I feel about it, and I honestly wish that I was never fucking born. This feeling grows stronger and stronger with each passing year. She had a kid for the sake of having someone to keep her company and care about her, and to me this has to be one of the most selfish acts someone can do.

I keep thinking, what better way to display that I'm not hers to own, than by taking her little pet away from her forever? Tbh I don't have anything to live for regardless, and now I can barely even think of a reason to go on. For a couple weeks I've been looking for a job, it's hard to get hired for anything with almost no experience, and I have no vehicle, but hopefully I'll be able to overcome this soon. Once (if) I eventually manage that, I'll give it a very good amount of time, but if I still can't find a reason to live, I'm either roping or blowing my fucking brains out.

It's strange because I know that I never would've been able to have this mindset before, something has definitely changed. I don't feel so attached to my own life anymore, I don't even feel like I should be in my body. All my experiences, the people I've known, the things I've done, even my own parents, it all just feels like a long, pointless dream. None of it feels like it has much weight behind it, emotional or otherwise. It's as if someone put me in the body of a subhuman male just to torture me, but I don't really feel like he is actually me.

 

[Lester]

Tbh I don't have anything to live for regardless, and now I can barely even think of a reason to go on.

please stop quoting my life without my permission

 

[cope_over_rope]

I identify with your depiction of your mother. My mother and I have a superficially "good" relationship. We are nice to each other, see each other fairly frequently, she helps me out with stuff (usually without me asking). But she has never really been any kind of emotional support to me, and her smothering of me at an early age contributed I think to a lot of my problems forming friendships and developing independence and responsibility. I hate this kind of feminine "nurturing" that harms those subjected to it grievously but can always be justified as being in their interests.

In any case, I would not rope to spite her. But neither would I relent from roping to spare her. She just isn't a factor.

 

[Deleted member 8353]

I identify with your depiction of your mother. My mother and I have a superficially "good" relationship. We are nice to each other, see each other fairly frequently, she helps me out with stuff (usually without me asking). But she has never really been any kind of emotional support to me, and her smothering of me at an early age contributed I think to a lot of my problems forming friendships and developing independence and responsibility. I hate this kind of feminine "nurturing" that harms those subjected to it grievously but can always be justified as being in their interests.

In any case, I would not rope to spite her. But neither would I relent from roping to spare her. She just isn't a factor.

I might be being slightly hyperbolic, as obviously I have other reasons to rope, but the thought has definitely occurred to me recently. At the very least, there is very little that I care about anymore. It's just that I hate almost every aspect of my life, I hate my face, I hate being in this body, and I hate basically everything in the real world. I mean when I'm not distracted by escapism, I either sit around growing increasingly depressed, dissociate, or I just fucking seethe because of how much I hate people and life in general.

You know, maybe I've got it all wrong and my mother did none of this intentionally, and that she was just an incompetent parent. But I really don't think so, and it's begun to make me pretty angry.

 

[Mystic]

My mom is extremely emotionally abusive, im not convinced she cares about me even in the slightest.
I haven't had a hug from her for years i can't even remember the last time

 

[Deleted member 8353]

My mom is extremely emotionally abusive, im not convinced she cares about me even in the slightest.
I haven't had a hug from her for years i can't even remember the last time

I'm sorry to hear that bro, that sounds much worse than my situation tbh. My mother was kinda the opposite, smothering, but at the same time refused to actually be a parent, if that makes sense.

Shit I mean my mom 'cares' about me, but I've become convinced she only cares insofar as it benefits her. I mean the most recent example has been her low key discouraging me from getting a job, presumably because she's afraid that I'll move out eventually or something. I probably won't so long as I'm not kicked out, as it's a pointless expense. But I mean what other reason could there be? Doesn't it just sound crazy to you? It does to me.

People who want pets should get pets, not have children.

 

[Sleigher]

Feels bro. During my most depressed states I would think to myself, "my mom is the only obstacle keeping me from killing myself." She's the only one, I thought, in the world, who would be deeply hurt by that action. So I refrained from doing it. But no matter what I coped with, it always came back to an underlying hatred for this simulation I was trapped in, and everyone in it. After graduating college I resigned to NEETceldom and I'm still here today at age 29. And I've also developed dissociation through the years, there's no "me" experiencing anything anymore. It's like I died 6 years ago and this is just a dream that has more than run its course.

No one even cares if you're depressed anymore, except maybe your momma. It's standard fare, a dime-a-dozen. I used to cope knowing that someone cared. They don't.

 

[Deleted member 20434]

I identify with your depiction of your mother. My mother and I have a superficially "good" relationship. We are nice to each other, see each other fairly frequently, she helps me out with stuff (usually without me asking). But she has never really been any kind of emotional support to me, and her smothering of me at an early age contributed I think to a lot of my problems forming friendships and developing independence and responsibility. I hate this kind of feminine "nurturing" that harms those subjected to it grievously but can always be justified as being in their interests.

In any case, I would not rope to spite her. But neither would I relent from roping to spare her. She just isn't a factor.

Wtf Nigga u just said my whole life story.

 

[Deleted member 1042]

You can hurt your mother by distancing yourself and doing things your own way. You don't need to kill yourself, but I admit I relate and have fantasized about killing myself and having someone send my body parts to my mother's doorstep. My issue has always been that my mom was too controlling and abusive than other parents, whereas I was more independent than most children. I wonder if the parental style generates certain types of kids. I became borderline schizoid as an adult.

 

[Deleted member 8353]

And I've also developed dissociation through the years, there's no "me" experiencing anything anymore. It's like I died 6 years ago and this is just a dream that has more than run its course.

I think I did this to myself accidentally tbh, but for me it isn't that I'm not there, but rather that I feel no connection to anything outside of the world I've created in my own head. I'll meditate and spend hours there whenever I need to pass time, it's as if I should be there, or rather that I was always there, I just forgot before. It's difficult to explain to other people.

Tbh the "real world" feels no more real to me than a video game, only one that lasts way too long and tortures me.

 

[The Abyss]

Just go Joker

 

[No1stupid]

My mom is extremely emotionally abusive, im not convinced she cares about me even in the slightest.
I haven't had a hug from her for years i can't even remember the last time

My mother has been hugging me less frequently, especially since I dropped out of college. Evidence that her love was contingent on me getting a college degree, and she has no use for me as a poorcel

 

[Mystic]

My mother has been hugging me less frequently, especially since I dropped out of college. Evidence that her love was contingent on me getting a college degree, and she has no use for me as a poorcel

My mom insults me constantly, her personality towards me is 80% emotional abuse, matter of fact she called me a slob yesterday and a few other names (as always) even though she knows my situation (im really really depressed)

i thought it was normal to not get hugs from your mom lol, not even playing i can't remember ever getting a hug from her, maybe one or two when i was little idk... fucking hopefully.
Nothing but coldness, like everything else in my life. If only people understood how much they could help us by showing a little warmth, this goes for everyone..... but nope.

I hope your mom starts hugging you more again. Sounds like she had preconceived expectations for you but you failed, as if it was your choice to be thrown into this shitty incel life, (incels fact: incel life kills your motivation to participate in society) I know how this is, my parents also think it's OK to rag on me because i didn't turn out as Chad CEO, not seeing that maybe their choice to bring me into this world is the real problem, i didn't ask for any of this, i've tried so hard to tell them i've been delt a losing hand and im fucked in life, but they don't care, and don't listen... just like eveybody else.