After a period of brutal wageslaving that drained my time and energy into a shareholder's bank account and my whore mother kicking me out of her house because I called her out for being what she was as her boyfriend attacked me, I finally have enough money from the government to live. It's not autismbux, just studentbux, but my studying is a long way away because I'm formally on break.
I have entered the closest thing to a torpid state humanly possible - I eat one meal a day made from evenly sliced cuts of flesh, sleep either five hours or nine, only leave my flat to get food or for night walks at 2 am when nobody is around, and I eat the exact same hearty, satisfying things each week prepared in the exact same way with the exact same ingredients. My interaction with other people in real life is limited to "hey"s, "please"s and "thank you"s.
I shower once a week, wash my clothes a bit less than once a week and brush my teeth maybe twice as much. I clean my floor when I can't walk over the things on it anymore and I get rid of food waste when flies start passing my screen in the dark and bothering me. Sometimes I fall asleep in my bed which has no sheets on it, sometimes I fall asleep on my floor, and sometimes I feel like falling asleep on benches during my night walks and I think I might one warm summer night if there isn't enough dirt on my bare feet to make me uncomfortable.
My flatmates have stopped being threats that I am paranoid will steal from me and started being a part of my environment that I can appreciate for their good will towards me. The most I have to do for others is clean, which takes an hour a week and which I honestly kind of enjoy in the moderation I do it in (scrubbing things clean is kind of comfy).
I feel like I've died and gone to Heaven. I've passed through the psychological torture, the physical pain, the exhaustion and exploitation of wage slavery, and it definitely killed something inside me, but now I am finally at peace and resting. I passed through an awful period if trial and it killed me, but something in me persisted that granted me access to something better after it. I'm not in touch with the world anymore; I don't hear new songs on the radio, I get my news from the internet and half of it in the form of memes, I am below the poverty line but I don't feel poor at all and actually save money, my consumption habits are so unlike that of a normal person's that if the majority of people were to live like me the economy would collapse instantly, I am increasingly detached from the sensibilities of those around me in a way I always was but not to the extent that I am becoming. The only person I talk to on a deep level that I know in real life is my dad. All of that's a good thing - existing in their shithole isn't worth it, they ruined everything about it and called it improvement. The world can suck my fucking nuts until it takes up a form that doesn't make me want to vomit in my mouth.
I could live like this for a thousand years and there would be something very right about it - this mode of existence in which the same thing is done comfortably and orderly in a way I can't bring myself to be bored of should last a thousand years. I don't want university to start, I want to walk the same laps around my university at night, browse the same corners of the internet, walk past the same roommates, buy the same food, cook the same meals, have the same sleep irregularities, play the same video games, stay in the same room, sleep in the same bed, piss in the same toilet and wipe down the same stovetop for a million years. For the first time in a very long time, I am content. It's all come to pass.
I have entered the closest thing to a torpid state humanly possible - I eat one meal a day made from evenly sliced cuts of flesh, sleep either five hours or nine, only leave my flat to get food or for night walks at 2 am when nobody is around, and I eat the exact same hearty, satisfying things each week prepared in the exact same way with the exact same ingredients. My interaction with other people in real life is limited to "hey"s, "please"s and "thank you"s.
I shower once a week, wash my clothes a bit less than once a week and brush my teeth maybe twice as much. I clean my floor when I can't walk over the things on it anymore and I get rid of food waste when flies start passing my screen in the dark and bothering me. Sometimes I fall asleep in my bed which has no sheets on it, sometimes I fall asleep on my floor, and sometimes I feel like falling asleep on benches during my night walks and I think I might one warm summer night if there isn't enough dirt on my bare feet to make me uncomfortable.
My flatmates have stopped being threats that I am paranoid will steal from me and started being a part of my environment that I can appreciate for their good will towards me. The most I have to do for others is clean, which takes an hour a week and which I honestly kind of enjoy in the moderation I do it in (scrubbing things clean is kind of comfy).
I feel like I've died and gone to Heaven. I've passed through the psychological torture, the physical pain, the exhaustion and exploitation of wage slavery, and it definitely killed something inside me, but now I am finally at peace and resting. I passed through an awful period if trial and it killed me, but something in me persisted that granted me access to something better after it. I'm not in touch with the world anymore; I don't hear new songs on the radio, I get my news from the internet and half of it in the form of memes, I am below the poverty line but I don't feel poor at all and actually save money, my consumption habits are so unlike that of a normal person's that if the majority of people were to live like me the economy would collapse instantly, I am increasingly detached from the sensibilities of those around me in a way I always was but not to the extent that I am becoming. The only person I talk to on a deep level that I know in real life is my dad. All of that's a good thing - existing in their shithole isn't worth it, they ruined everything about it and called it improvement. The world can suck my fucking nuts until it takes up a form that doesn't make me want to vomit in my mouth.
I could live like this for a thousand years and there would be something very right about it - this mode of existence in which the same thing is done comfortably and orderly in a way I can't bring myself to be bored of should last a thousand years. I don't want university to start, I want to walk the same laps around my university at night, browse the same corners of the internet, walk past the same roommates, buy the same food, cook the same meals, have the same sleep irregularities, play the same video games, stay in the same room, sleep in the same bed, piss in the same toilet and wipe down the same stovetop for a million years. For the first time in a very long time, I am content. It's all come to pass.
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