The most important skill in gaming women is WARMTH
Fundamentals
The most important aspect of gaming women is showing warmth.
The strongest desire for any human being is to be accepted into the tribe by the alpha male, and the fundamental thing women are searching for in romantic relationships is this acceptance. The alpha male accepts people by showing warmth. Warmth can also be thought of as comfort, an emotional connection, and the precursor to the strongest emotion of all: love.
You can show somebody warmth in many ways: making strong eye contact with them, touching them, smiling, showing them genuine concern or appreciation, and listening to them. Humans evolved a very sensitive and nuanced ability to sense warmth, so we rely on small subconscious cues to determine if somebody accepts us or not. But like any emotion, it is hard to describe warmth in words. You just know it when you see it. Some people are naturally warm, which is why they are so likable. Other people cannot or will not produce feelings of warmth, which is why they are off putting and have difficulty in relationships.
Our ability to sense warmth is important from an evolutionary perspective because warmth is how we know somebody is part of our tribe. A person who is not acting warmly is potentially an enemy and may stab us in the back when we are not looking. Awkward and socially anxious people have often been repeatedly rejected in their lives so they subconsciously see themselves as outside the tribe, which in turn causes them to be unable to produce warmth. But their failure to produce warmth makes them off putting and unlikable, which causes them to get rejected even more. Our conscious, rational brains might understand that there is not necessarily anything wrong with an awkward person, but our subconscious mind will assume they are acting awkwardly and coldly because they have some kind of ulterior motive.
To project warmth you must be confident. If you are anxious, insecure, uncertain, or overthinking, you will not produce the pure warmth people want. You must also be open. The woman should feel completely comfortable to share her deepest thoughts and secrets with you, and she should not feel like there are any ulterior motives, hidden resentments or other weird shit that may act as a barrier to you accepting her. You must also be authentic. She must feel like you are fundamentally telling the truth about yourself and your feelings. Women can sense inauthenticity and they do not trust a man who is inauthentic most likely has evil intentions that he is hiding from her. But again, to be open and authentic you must be confident - you cannot be afraid that the real you is somehow problematic and when she sees the real you she will be turned off.
How warm is too warm?
Most dating coaches and PUA gurus speak little of warmth because they think the problem for most guys is that they are too warm. Most guys fail with women because they are needy and too “nice,” so most dating coaches focus on molding guys into the opposite: cold-hearted, tough, “alpha,” emotionally stoic men with strong boundaries. Most of the advice you seen in books and internet message boards on this subject is about how you need to text her less, do less for her, show you are busy, say “no” more often, ignore her, etc…
And look: much of what the dating coaches say is correct. Most guys are indeed too needy and emotionally invest less in women too much. And women often take advantage of those men. It is also true that women are attracted to “alpha” men with a fun and exciting life and with firm boundaries to protect that fun life, which often means ignoring women that are not contributing to that fun life. In fact, much of what I write about his how to draw boundaries around your warmth. Men are taught from an early age to be doormats for women, so this indoctrination needs to be counteracted.
That said, warmth must remain your foundation. You can be the richest, hottest, tallest guy on earth, but if you cannot produce feelings of warmth women will never trust you or allow themselves to form an emotional connection with you. A lot of guys get rejected for being too nice so they swing to the other extreme and focus so much on being “alpha” that they completely forget about warmth.
In fact, one way to characterize the challenge of “game” is balancing the fact that you must project warmth to women with the fact that you must also carefully guard your warmth and not give to those who do not deserve it. Striking this delicate balance is difficult because your emotions and ego often get involved and tell you to act more or less warm than you should be. But once you learn to strike this balance your game will be unstoppable.
Warmth is not the same thing as attention. Warmth is what you project when you are paying attention. You should be warm to (almost) everybody you pay attention to, but you should only pay attention to the select and precious few who have done something to deserve your attention. A person’s attention is valuable if it is 1) warm and 2) requires work to obtain. If your attention is not warm or rare, it will not be appreciated or valued. Most guys don’t realize the difference between warmth and attention, so they end up paying women too much attention.
What is warmth?
From a psychological and evolutionary point of view, a person acting warmly is indicating that they are “accepting” the other person into their tribe. Warmth communicates “you are allowed to hang out in our territory and enjoy our resources and our protection.”
As stated earlier, this emotion is hard to describe in words so it may be explained more easily by analogy. Warmth is the feeling you get when your grandma brings a fresh batch of cookies out of the oven on a cold winter day. It is the feeling of your father hugging when you fell off of your bike and scraped your knee. Warmth is the feeling you get when you rush the field with your friends to celebrate winning the football game. And so forth. Scientists have done studies where they manually activate the pleasure centers of people’s brains and then ask them what they are feeling. Surprisingly, the answers most people give are similar to the examples listed in this paragraph: their highest feelings of pleasure are not associated with drug or sexual experiences but rather feelings of interpersonal warmth.
In a successful tribe, the alpha male only gives warmth and acceptance to members of the tribe who were contributing to the tribe and therefore deserve acceptance. Nevertheless, warmth feels relatively stable, reliable, and unconditional. Even though there is an underlying expectation that one must contribute to the tribe to remain accepted, nobody wants to feel like they can get booted at any moment for some small mistake. People love to talk about “unconditional” love but there are always some conditions to love: you would not stay with a person who was trying to kill you, for example. But nevertheless, people like to feel like their warmth and acceptance is permanent and reliable. True warmth feels like an unconditional light that you bathe her in; a light that does not wax or wane depending on your feelings, her feelings, or what she gives or does for you.
As an example, if you work at a large corporation it is generally understood that you will get fired if you do not do your job well. Nevertheless, if the CEO constantly walked around saying to people “you better not fuck up or I will fire you” nobody would want to work there, even though what the CEO is saying is technically true. On the other hand, a warm, friendly CEO that goes around smiling and shaking everybody’s hand would be loved, even if he were just as ruthless at firing people. The point is that people are attracted to a tribe where the alpha is acting warmly, even though there is an underlying expectation that they will get fired if they don’t act correctly.
This is a very important and subtle point. Your boundaries, rules, and threat of rejection must be unspoken, almost hidden and underlying in the background, not something obvious and in her face that induces anxiety in the woman. A lot of guys try to show their alphaness and dominance by blatantly obvious displays of douchebaggery and this does nothing but alienate the woman and make the guy look insecure. The woman should look at you as her refuge that she can go back to no matter what is going on in her life, not some finicky guy that only pays her attention at certain times and according to certain conditions. At the same time, however, women have evolved a very strong sense of fairness so they understand when you withdraw your attention when they are acting badly.
If this sounds confusing, join the club. Striking this delicate balance is the most difficult challenge when dealing with women. You want to provide what appears to be unconditional constant warmth, but at the time you want to maintain boundaries and not do things for her she does not deserve. I hope to teach you how to strike that boundary in this book.
Barriers to warmth
Most guys completely misunderstand the balance between warmth and boundaries. Society teaches men that women want, need, and are entitled to unlimited warmth: chocolates on Valentine’s Day, chivalry on dates, a man who will do favors for her, etc… Now, there is nothing wrong with sometimes giving a woman those things. But women have their own role to play and the modern discourse on relationships and gender roles always seems to conveniently leave out the part that women need to do.
Not only does doing too much for a woman not show warmth, it actually acts as a barrier to warmth. Doing things for a woman she does not deserve actually causes you to subconsciously become emotionally invested in her, which causes you to become needy. A needy, emotionally overinvested guy is selfish and transactional: he does things for women to get things, not because she has already done something to deserve it. And because he is giving warmth to get something, his warmth is not reliable and unconditional. Not only do women not appreciate this transactional warmth, they abhor it because every favor a man does for them imposes an obligation on her, an obligation which puts pressure on her and which she does not want to bear.
Doing too much for a woman also destroys your ability to show warmth because it makes you bitter, angry, and resentful. It is in the nature of women to test men’s boundaries to try to take more than they deserve, and if you cave she will take advantage of you. By strongly enforcing your boundaries you can remain warm because she will be unable to make you angry. You should be able to remain calm and joyful around the meanest, shittiest, most manipulative woman because you will not allow her to do anything to hurt you.
My website:
http://www.woujo.com
