Ever since I was very young, I always tried to appease others and fit in despite how they treated me. Even when people abandoned me or abused my trust, I still did everything I could for them just because I wanted to feel a sense of belonging.
Recently though, I've had an epiphany - why should I care what anyone thinks of me? Why should I try to fit into a society that has constantly excluded me? No-one has ever treated me as an equal, especially girls.
Fine, if I am doomed to be judged and seen in a negative light, then I will let them judge me. I will reject their norms and moral standings, I will wear their insults like a badge of honor. I may be a monster, I may be a bitter and horrible person consumed by hate... But why should I be anything else when I will never be seen as normal? When I am doomed to face one rejection after another?
I used to be a naive kid that just wanted to be loved and accepted, but now that kid is dead. There is no love left inside me, only a gnawing yet comforting darkness. That darkness is my true self, my only self. I don't even remember what I was like before I became depressed, that's how used I am to it.
Maybe I could have lived a happy, regular life if things were different during my youth and a girl saw some good in me? Maybe I wouldn't have spiraled into self-loathing and misanthropy? Maybe I'd be cuddling with my girlfriend right now instead of letting my hatred out on the internet? But that doesn't matter anymore, I've gone too far now - no use in trying to reimagine the past.
Recently though, I've had an epiphany - why should I care what anyone thinks of me? Why should I try to fit into a society that has constantly excluded me? No-one has ever treated me as an equal, especially girls.
Fine, if I am doomed to be judged and seen in a negative light, then I will let them judge me. I will reject their norms and moral standings, I will wear their insults like a badge of honor. I may be a monster, I may be a bitter and horrible person consumed by hate... But why should I be anything else when I will never be seen as normal? When I am doomed to face one rejection after another?
I used to be a naive kid that just wanted to be loved and accepted, but now that kid is dead. There is no love left inside me, only a gnawing yet comforting darkness. That darkness is my true self, my only self. I don't even remember what I was like before I became depressed, that's how used I am to it.
Maybe I could have lived a happy, regular life if things were different during my youth and a girl saw some good in me? Maybe I wouldn't have spiraled into self-loathing and misanthropy? Maybe I'd be cuddling with my girlfriend right now instead of letting my hatred out on the internet? But that doesn't matter anymore, I've gone too far now - no use in trying to reimagine the past.
