It's unreal when i think about it. Life still sucked when i was kid. I was beaten by my father from time to time. My brother was treated better than me cz he was more goodlooking etc. But still i could enjoy some things when i was a kid. Later i discovered vidya and they gave me a lot of joy for some time. From 4 years old to 15 years old i was coping with vidya but after that age i left playing vidya completely cz there was no fun after certain point. Since then i've improved my social skills. I made several social circles . I can talk to a woman with no problems but it doesn't lead to anywhere so it's completely pointless. I've not enjoyed anything for a long time. I put on a mask when i am around people but it's all very tiring. Putting the mask for even a couple of hours tires me very much. I get headaches when i am on the mask. I want to go home as soon as possible. When i reach home at least i am not tired and my headaches go away. I doubt anything will change in the future there is some malfunction in my brain. I am not suited for this world even though i try to be like everyone else. I am no alcoholic or porn addict. I've drunk less than so called social drinkers but the only time i can feel some joy is when i drink. I can feel the joy then. (I drink a beer or two once a month). I realize now i dont reach the threshold of obtaining any girl too cz i dont look like some model. I am thinking of doing other drugs other than alcohol. Nothing makes me feel alive. I feel like a walking funeral amongst other people. I've always felt like an imposter among my ''friends'' and others. I think other drugs can make me at least a bit more connected to life. I don't care if i die from any of them because it doesn't matter. If i am to die 5 mins later i'd feel or do nothing. I don't feel alive , nothing in this world make me feel alive.
