I have this weird thing going on with my emotions. I used to get so emotional and suicidal over girls looking right through me, rejecting me or insulting me throughout my school, college and university years while throwing themselves at either the best looking men or the most thuggish men that it almost drove me to jump in front of a train when I was 18. I remember looking up on the internet what happens when you jump in front of a train, literally, as in would you feel it for a few seconds before you die. Would the electricity burn you to death painfully etc. My life got that bad at age 18 due to the emotions caused by this problem.
As the years went on I got a security job purely because it allowed me to stay out of society for the most part because the hours were basically weekends and night shifts. Between doing this I did evening lessons in Web Development, another job which very few females do so that allowed me to distance myself in a future career too. That is now my career and I work from home mostly, going to an office only once or twice a week with only 4 male coworkers. While I do have a pretty good social life as I've always been a popular person and have tried going to clubs with friends hundreds of times over the years which was hellish and brought nothing.
Despite physically isolating myself what I did have was the memories of my suffering replaying over and over in my head like a tape on repeat. The abhorrent hostile responses I received from girls when I tried to show interest in them in a club, the pointing and laughing, the vomiting noise they make before laughing with their friends. Average and unattractive girls asking me if my good looking friends were single. And flat out telling me that I wasn't good enough for them. I made a habit of actually asking girls what was wrong with me at this point and a lot of them were friendly and told me that it was because of my looks and hope that I find someone who loves me for who I am one day.
It felt like barbed wire choking my heart and my head hurt so much from it that I've developed dizzy spells where I almost faint and it feels like I'm having a stroke. Doctors I've seen over the years believe permanent 'anxiety' may have triggered this. The only way to help all this was to block it out entirely. The problem with this is it shuts off our emotions altogether so I now don't feel anything when things happen which would have devastated me as a younger man. Family members falling ill, people dying, I should feel far worse about these things but because I have locked away my own emotions due to them being too painful I can't.
This is the problem with the whole "It's not the worst thing in the World. Just get on with it" advice. That involves you completely shutting off the emotional/human part of yourself and therefore killing what makes you who you are. Now I am nobody.
As the years went on I got a security job purely because it allowed me to stay out of society for the most part because the hours were basically weekends and night shifts. Between doing this I did evening lessons in Web Development, another job which very few females do so that allowed me to distance myself in a future career too. That is now my career and I work from home mostly, going to an office only once or twice a week with only 4 male coworkers. While I do have a pretty good social life as I've always been a popular person and have tried going to clubs with friends hundreds of times over the years which was hellish and brought nothing.
Despite physically isolating myself what I did have was the memories of my suffering replaying over and over in my head like a tape on repeat. The abhorrent hostile responses I received from girls when I tried to show interest in them in a club, the pointing and laughing, the vomiting noise they make before laughing with their friends. Average and unattractive girls asking me if my good looking friends were single. And flat out telling me that I wasn't good enough for them. I made a habit of actually asking girls what was wrong with me at this point and a lot of them were friendly and told me that it was because of my looks and hope that I find someone who loves me for who I am one day.
It felt like barbed wire choking my heart and my head hurt so much from it that I've developed dizzy spells where I almost faint and it feels like I'm having a stroke. Doctors I've seen over the years believe permanent 'anxiety' may have triggered this. The only way to help all this was to block it out entirely. The problem with this is it shuts off our emotions altogether so I now don't feel anything when things happen which would have devastated me as a younger man. Family members falling ill, people dying, I should feel far worse about these things but because I have locked away my own emotions due to them being too painful I can't.
This is the problem with the whole "It's not the worst thing in the World. Just get on with it" advice. That involves you completely shutting off the emotional/human part of yourself and therefore killing what makes you who you are. Now I am nobody.
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