Barely coherent rambling ahead:
First came the anxiety and the sadness. Then came the emptiness. Then the brain fog. The degeneration of memory. The headaches. The pills. So many pills. The headaches. The worthless therapist that told me to "feel the energy flow through your spine."
Then came my first real suicidal thought. These thoughts would gradually increase in frequency until I was literally having several a day. I was so scared. But the thought of my parents finding my lifeless body kept me from making serious plans.
But in my view anger can be worse than feeling the above. My anger soon became rage. Rage directed at everyone who wronged me. Rage directed at society in general.
Today was a new milestone. For everytime I saw a women, I became so angry. So fucking angry. Then my anger turned into formulating plans to ER in Minecraft.
The complexity of the plans surprised me. How I would raise my score without using cheatcodes. I thought to myself, if I follow this particular plan, I will beat my friend Elliot's personal record.
God dammit. The anger is so fucking dark. The thought of roping while everyone who wronged me still draws breath is too much to take. I will never rope. Not unless I have company.
So black. I can't see anything godammit.
First came the anxiety and the sadness. Then came the emptiness. Then the brain fog. The degeneration of memory. The headaches. The pills. So many pills. The headaches. The worthless therapist that told me to "feel the energy flow through your spine."
Then came my first real suicidal thought. These thoughts would gradually increase in frequency until I was literally having several a day. I was so scared. But the thought of my parents finding my lifeless body kept me from making serious plans.
But in my view anger can be worse than feeling the above. My anger soon became rage. Rage directed at everyone who wronged me. Rage directed at society in general.
Today was a new milestone. For everytime I saw a women, I became so angry. So fucking angry. Then my anger turned into formulating plans to ER in Minecraft.
The complexity of the plans surprised me. How I would raise my score without using cheatcodes. I thought to myself, if I follow this particular plan, I will beat my friend Elliot's personal record.
God dammit. The anger is so fucking dark. The thought of roping while everyone who wronged me still draws breath is too much to take. I will never rope. Not unless I have company.
So black. I can't see anything godammit.
