L
Over the years my desire for a relationship almost completely vanished, nowadays it's a rare occurence that I want a GF at my side, the only moments when I wish I had one is when something special happens (like my birthday) or when I am extremely sad. But on a normal day I almost completely forget to think about women, especially when I have work to do. A few years ago I was anxious about loneliness/etc., nowadays I feel almost nothing like that anymore.
I haven't even a desire to interact with most people anymore (when I don't have work to do I go to my room and just listen to marching music for the entirety of the day or watch some animal/crime/nazi documentaries), I am also not sad that nobody of my former "friends" wants to have something to do with me anymore. Others have become an annoyance for me, their company is nothing desirable for me at this point.
Rage/hatred/cynicism/contempt/disgust/spite are the only things that I nowadays feel, they are a stronger component in my emotional repertoire than loneliness or a desire to belong to something. I also don't have any passions nowadays, but I unironically don't care - I don't want to get into old passions again or try out new passions, I am indifferent to them.
I know that nothing I do is "normal" in the slightest, but I don't care about it, some lingering feeling of dread for the future is still there but I can successfully drown it most of the time. Jfl, I am not interested in getting a full-time job anymore or "to get my life in order". I don't even feel good or bad at this point, just completely indifferent towards myself/others. Even when something bad/good in my life happens I don't feel sad/good anymore, it's rather hatred/anger or indifference; I am not depressed or something like that because I don't feel sad/downtrodden/etc. I only survive, I still work/study because this is what my parents want from me and do the bare minimum that they want - and the rest of the day I exist by watching TV/listening to music until I fall asleep. I have no ambitions or anything like plans for the future, fuck this fucking clown's world. I wouldn't even want to be a functioning member of soyciety even if I had the capabilities to be one.
I haven't even a desire to interact with most people anymore (when I don't have work to do I go to my room and just listen to marching music for the entirety of the day or watch some animal/crime/nazi documentaries), I am also not sad that nobody of my former "friends" wants to have something to do with me anymore. Others have become an annoyance for me, their company is nothing desirable for me at this point.
Rage/hatred/cynicism/contempt/disgust/spite are the only things that I nowadays feel, they are a stronger component in my emotional repertoire than loneliness or a desire to belong to something. I also don't have any passions nowadays, but I unironically don't care - I don't want to get into old passions again or try out new passions, I am indifferent to them.
I know that nothing I do is "normal" in the slightest, but I don't care about it, some lingering feeling of dread for the future is still there but I can successfully drown it most of the time. Jfl, I am not interested in getting a full-time job anymore or "to get my life in order". I don't even feel good or bad at this point, just completely indifferent towards myself/others. Even when something bad/good in my life happens I don't feel sad/good anymore, it's rather hatred/anger or indifference; I am not depressed or something like that because I don't feel sad/downtrodden/etc. I only survive, I still work/study because this is what my parents want from me and do the bare minimum that they want - and the rest of the day I exist by watching TV/listening to music until I fall asleep. I have no ambitions or anything like plans for the future, fuck this fucking clown's world. I wouldn't even want to be a functioning member of soyciety even if I had the capabilities to be one.
