I've seen @anon1822 talk about this a few times. It's so silly, but it cripples me so much. Wall of text incoming, because I've lost my ability to write concisely.
I'm so embarrassed of doing anything when my parents can witness me doing it. And I mean anything. I'm exactly the kind of guy who will start staring at his wallpaper (well, I'm a little bit smarter, I'll usually pull up Facebook or a news site) when his parents enter his room and it's not like I was watching porn or anything, I'll do it when I was just reading an essay for uni or doing my homework or something similarly innocent. Whenever I want to buy something, I'll get it delivered to a pick-up point (idk if it exists in other countries, but here you can order something to a pick-up point which is like a public mailbox (so you don't have to order something to your home) and you have 2 days to pick it up from there) and go there to pick it up when my parents are at work (and I'm not ordering sex toys or anything, 99% of the time I order books or vitamin supplements or cosmetics). I rarely take part in voice chats because I'm too embarrassed about my parents hearing me (I live in a small apartment with paper thin walls so they could if they wanted but why would they care). At some point we were asked to record ourselves saying a few sentences in Hebrew every week for pronunciation analysis for my Hebrew class and I could only do it when my parents were away, but one week their work schedules synchronized in such way that there was always at least one of them home and I was so embarrassed about them possibly hearing me that I recorded it in a public toilet on my way to uni.
You may think "oh, he's just super shy" or "oh, he has strict parents and he's afraid of them", but that extremely far from the truth. Inhibition doesn't exist in my family. My parents often leave erotica novels or condoms in plain sight, my dad often jokes about the Holocaust and communism even though my great grandpa avoided getting executed by commies by firing squad though sheer luck. I wear My Little Pony T-shirts, own some merch and talk about crazy theories or the shit I see online. I've shown them a picture of Aryanne (a Nazi pony original character) plushie next to a photo of Adolf Hitler. They know who Chris-chan or Pamperchu is. Fuck, just a few days ago I showed my dad "Welcome to the cum zone" in Polish with deep-faked Polish prime minister. There's no such thing as taboo in our home.
But here's the catch -- it all makes sense. My parents are narcissistic and want me to be dependent on them. They shunned my independence since forever, they always encouraged me to rely on them. I remember that in childhood they'd get really angry when I suggested I'd like to cook sometimes or clean my room by myself (because I genuinely wanted to be helpful). They guilt tripped me and were saying things like "oh, you hate my cooking? you hate the way I clean? why are you so ungrateful?! ". When I suggested helping them, they'd not only refuse but say that I'm rude because I suggest that they can't do their work by themselves. Eventually I stopped asking and became a good boy who just ldars and never helps his parents (I know how absurd that sounds but it seems that my parents really wanted me to grow up to be a loser who has to depend on them). Now that I think about it, a lot of their behaviors make sense when you take that into account. I had a short period of churchmaxxing -- I was interested in Christianity and also considered that a reasonable way to make friends. My parents DESPISED that so much. When I went to a Bible study group (filled almost solely with boomers) like 3 times, I've been compared to ISIS (well, to be fair, my parents go for Hitler comparisons as their first line of attack, so it's that harsh considering the way they talk in general), because of course talking about Jesus with a bunch of grandmas is the first step in the slippery slope which will lead me to beheading people in Syria. I used to think it was because they're anti-religious atheists (and to some extent it probably played a role; fuck, they call Coca-Cola commercials with Santa Claus "Christian propaganda"
), but I don't think that was the reason: Poland is quite religious, so they're kinda used to religious people, one of my mom's best friends is a really devout Christian (ironically the Bible study group they compared to ISIS recruiters was organized by the church of this mom's friend) and they're ok with me studying religion and I even got them to say that Jesus had some good ideas. I think what angered them was that I made it clear that I wanted to explore Christianity, it was MY decision -- I wasn't brainwashed by someone, I just read about it and decided to check it out. Choosing your own religion is a very independent move and, as I've explained earlier, there's nothing they fear more than me being independent.
So how do I solve this issue? I lie about being influenced by others. I never go "oh, I wanted something and I bought it", it's always "oh, a friend recommended it to me", "oh, Facebook recommended it to me", "oh, I saw it at shop's display and bought it". This way I'm not acting independently, but I'm just lying about being dependent on others and my parents are ok with that. Anything goes as long as I'm not making choices for myself. This leads to a completely absurd situation where I'd feel more comfortable about buying a dildo and saying to my parents "oh, I was brainwashed by a Discord cult leader into becoming a sissy, I'm about to destroy my asshole with it" (well, considering how progressive and sex-positive my parents are, they'd probably be so proud of me for becoming a degenerate tranny) than about buying a Plato book and saying "oh, I wanted to learn about Greek philosophy and decided to buy some classics". This is some post-modernist nightmare, but I guess that's my life.
Recently I thought about buying a white bunny plushie because it'd be cute because Fluttershy has a white bunny friend (Angel) and I found a cute one, it's also cheap etc. I really want to buy it and I could, but I can't find a way to frame it in such a way that it doesn't sound like my independent decision. It's unlikely that a friend would recommend me a plushie (well, it's even more unlikely for me to have a friend, but they're rolling with this lie) and I can't just randomly see it on shop's display cos we're in covid times and they see that I don't go outside. It's not even that it's a childish item because I asked my parents for My Little Pony comic books for Christmas with no inhibition. It's so absurd, so silly. I can't just buy or do things because I like to, I have to find a way that'd make it seem that I'm a brainless sheeple without independent thought because otherwise I fear about disappointing my parents. What is life even.
I'm so embarrassed of doing anything when my parents can witness me doing it. And I mean anything. I'm exactly the kind of guy who will start staring at his wallpaper (well, I'm a little bit smarter, I'll usually pull up Facebook or a news site) when his parents enter his room and it's not like I was watching porn or anything, I'll do it when I was just reading an essay for uni or doing my homework or something similarly innocent. Whenever I want to buy something, I'll get it delivered to a pick-up point (idk if it exists in other countries, but here you can order something to a pick-up point which is like a public mailbox (so you don't have to order something to your home) and you have 2 days to pick it up from there) and go there to pick it up when my parents are at work (and I'm not ordering sex toys or anything, 99% of the time I order books or vitamin supplements or cosmetics). I rarely take part in voice chats because I'm too embarrassed about my parents hearing me (I live in a small apartment with paper thin walls so they could if they wanted but why would they care). At some point we were asked to record ourselves saying a few sentences in Hebrew every week for pronunciation analysis for my Hebrew class and I could only do it when my parents were away, but one week their work schedules synchronized in such way that there was always at least one of them home and I was so embarrassed about them possibly hearing me that I recorded it in a public toilet on my way to uni.
You may think "oh, he's just super shy" or "oh, he has strict parents and he's afraid of them", but that extremely far from the truth. Inhibition doesn't exist in my family. My parents often leave erotica novels or condoms in plain sight, my dad often jokes about the Holocaust and communism even though my great grandpa avoided getting executed by commies by firing squad though sheer luck. I wear My Little Pony T-shirts, own some merch and talk about crazy theories or the shit I see online. I've shown them a picture of Aryanne (a Nazi pony original character) plushie next to a photo of Adolf Hitler. They know who Chris-chan or Pamperchu is. Fuck, just a few days ago I showed my dad "Welcome to the cum zone" in Polish with deep-faked Polish prime minister. There's no such thing as taboo in our home.
But here's the catch -- it all makes sense. My parents are narcissistic and want me to be dependent on them. They shunned my independence since forever, they always encouraged me to rely on them. I remember that in childhood they'd get really angry when I suggested I'd like to cook sometimes or clean my room by myself (because I genuinely wanted to be helpful). They guilt tripped me and were saying things like "oh, you hate my cooking? you hate the way I clean? why are you so ungrateful?! ". When I suggested helping them, they'd not only refuse but say that I'm rude because I suggest that they can't do their work by themselves. Eventually I stopped asking and became a good boy who just ldars and never helps his parents (I know how absurd that sounds but it seems that my parents really wanted me to grow up to be a loser who has to depend on them). Now that I think about it, a lot of their behaviors make sense when you take that into account. I had a short period of churchmaxxing -- I was interested in Christianity and also considered that a reasonable way to make friends. My parents DESPISED that so much. When I went to a Bible study group (filled almost solely with boomers) like 3 times, I've been compared to ISIS (well, to be fair, my parents go for Hitler comparisons as their first line of attack, so it's that harsh considering the way they talk in general), because of course talking about Jesus with a bunch of grandmas is the first step in the slippery slope which will lead me to beheading people in Syria. I used to think it was because they're anti-religious atheists (and to some extent it probably played a role; fuck, they call Coca-Cola commercials with Santa Claus "Christian propaganda"
), but I don't think that was the reason: Poland is quite religious, so they're kinda used to religious people, one of my mom's best friends is a really devout Christian (ironically the Bible study group they compared to ISIS recruiters was organized by the church of this mom's friend) and they're ok with me studying religion and I even got them to say that Jesus had some good ideas. I think what angered them was that I made it clear that I wanted to explore Christianity, it was MY decision -- I wasn't brainwashed by someone, I just read about it and decided to check it out. Choosing your own religion is a very independent move and, as I've explained earlier, there's nothing they fear more than me being independent.So how do I solve this issue? I lie about being influenced by others. I never go "oh, I wanted something and I bought it", it's always "oh, a friend recommended it to me", "oh, Facebook recommended it to me", "oh, I saw it at shop's display and bought it". This way I'm not acting independently, but I'm just lying about being dependent on others and my parents are ok with that. Anything goes as long as I'm not making choices for myself. This leads to a completely absurd situation where I'd feel more comfortable about buying a dildo and saying to my parents "oh, I was brainwashed by a Discord cult leader into becoming a sissy, I'm about to destroy my asshole with it" (well, considering how progressive and sex-positive my parents are, they'd probably be so proud of me for becoming a degenerate tranny
) than about buying a Plato book and saying "oh, I wanted to learn about Greek philosophy and decided to buy some classics". This is some post-modernist nightmare, but I guess that's my life.Recently I thought about buying a white bunny plushie because it'd be cute because Fluttershy has a white bunny friend (Angel) and I found a cute one, it's also cheap etc. I really want to buy it and I could, but I can't find a way to frame it in such a way that it doesn't sound like my independent decision. It's unlikely that a friend would recommend me a plushie (well, it's even more unlikely for me to have a friend, but they're rolling with this lie) and I can't just randomly see it on shop's display cos we're in covid times and they see that I don't go outside. It's not even that it's a childish item because I asked my parents for My Little Pony comic books for Christmas with no inhibition. It's so absurd, so silly. I can't just buy or do things because I like to, I have to find a way that'd make it seem that I'm a brainless sheeple without independent thought because otherwise I fear about disappointing my parents. What is life even.
