Yes. It's like they just see you as a brother or a friend. It's so damn emasculating.
That girl I wrote about, that is exactly what she called me at one point. She said I was like a brother to her but I don’t think girls realize how brutal that kind of statement can be.
What also hurt me the most and caused me years of longing and confusion was the fact that even after she rejected me I had to see her at parties my family would throw, so seeing the love of your life who rejected you laughing and talking in the same room as your own flesh and blood feels too personal.
Because I was close to my family, seeing her with them and talking to them as if she was a member of the family herself made it feel like she had already established a deeper connection with me since my family members are extensions of me in a way. She was like a family member but she wasn’t so it was okay for me to have feelings for her, so obviously falling deeply in love with a girl like that is bound to happen.
She wasn’t like other girls to me because she was the only girl my age who was nice to me and I only saw her when I was around my family since she lived in a different city and went to another school, and the girls at my school were better looking than her but they were all terrible people, and I fell in love the plainness she had about herself, how she wasn’t bitch like the other girls and actually acknowledged my existence.
So when she eventually rejected me it was brutal. I should include an important detail which is the fact that she rejected me once, and then she rejected me again a year and a half later and that’s when I gave her that drawing. Her demeanor was far colder and her eyes looked empty that year and a half later compared to the sweet girl I once knew. That’s why I cried so hard that night, I had such a beautiful vision of her reciprocating my feelings because I thought she was the only girl who saw me for me, and she felt like a soulmate to me.
I spent 3 months building up my courage to speak to her that night, and the night I spoke to her I was terrified. I couldn’t eat breakfast that morning due to anxiety induced nausea and I didn’t eat a thing for many hours into the day. I was like a puddle of piss, sitting there and watching this girl who wasn’t being as half as friendly with me as she once did before rejecting me, and I finally built up the courage to speak to her.
The entire encounter was extremely brutal, I was stuttering the entire time I was trying to confess my feelings yet again, and she was speaking to me the way a special ed teacher would speak to her down syndrome student and explain to him why the easter bunny isn’t real. She was trying to soften the blow of her rejection as much as she could which made it even more awkward and in turn even more brutal.
So months after that, I had to see her at my cousin’s birthday party again, and then at my cousin’s communion at church, both communions for both cousins an entire year apart. Each time I saw her the days leading up to it were the most cope fueled and simultaneously the most anxiety inducing of my life, and every time I would see her my heart would beat rapidly and I would be absolutely infatuated with her. Every time I had to go home empty handed knowing that I never got to speak a word to her was devastating.
After years of obsessing over her, I got nuts. I was going to go fucking insane because I couldn’t understand what it was about this girl that was taking such a heavy toll on my mental health as well as if I was going to have her stuck in my head for the rest of my life. Eventually it got so bad I honestly considered suicide. That’s when I made one of the worst mistakes I could make, I told her. I sent her a long paragraph after adding her on Snapchat (I blocked her before after she rejected me) about how she had ruined my life because I was so deeply infatuated with her and it caused my life to go downhill. I told her about my suicidal thoughts and I told her I was going to kill myself right then and there.
So after I sent the initial message I assumed I got blocked naturally. I was blaming everything on her and normies can find that immoral and wrong if they want but I don’t give a flying fuck anymore, too much pain has been brought upon my life over that girl. Anyway I got really angry that same day because I got into a fight with my mom over the girl, and smashed something and she screamed at the top of her lungs and told me to get out, so I did.
I took a long walk to my friend’s house and I decided to hang out at his place for a bit. Eventually he has a pipe he uses to smoke weed and he asks me if I want to take a hit. I do it without thinking and I start coughing like my lungs would fall out, and after that I just remember disassociating completely and experiencing a mini ego death. I was completely terrified and I had tunnel vision, and my perception of reality is still altered because of that day. It was single handedly the most horrific moment of my life because the weed was laced with pure THC extract so it was much MUCH stronger.
Because my mind was in a daze and I was so miserable, two days later or so I send the girl another message similar to the last one, this time truly emphasizing that all of this pain going on in my life, including the life changing drug experience, was all her fault. Word for word I said I was going to take my own life, and if she thought she was capable of preventing something like that from happening then go ahead, the clock is ticking. Just as I was contemplating if I really wanted to end my life because of this girl, my mother’s landline phone begins ringing. This was around 5-10 minutes after I initially sent the message and I was watching Angry Grandpa videos on YouTube in attempt to comfort myself.
My mother picks up the phone and it ends up being my aunt, the aunt that is friends with this girl’s mother. My aunt was screaming at my mother as my mother shockingly put the phone on speaker and started walking in the direction of my room so I could hear it, and I didn’t have a door at the time so I immediately heard it.
My aunt said “TELL your son, TO STOP” and basically started having a nervous breakdown herself telling my mother everything that I had just said to the girl in the message, as if in that 5 minute timeframe she immediately screenshot the message and sent it to my aunt before calling her up. My aunt said to my mom that I was “fucking obsessed” and that I’m a “fucking psycho”. She then said “he’s a psychopath” to her in a tone that sounded as if she was 100% seeing me as some sort of monster and seeing the girl who tormented my mind for years as the victim just because she is her friend’s daughter.
By this point I was absolutely shitting my pants, but I honestly don’t know what else I expected. I was crying my eyes out as my aunt spoke to me on the phone and started going on and on with her voice being muffled by her own tears and the loudness of her voice muffling the microphone within the phone, and she was saying “she didn’t do anything” when no one understood that she had did something to lead me on and make me fall so deeply in love with her years ago and then she threw me away like trash. I eventually hung up the phone on my aunt and I smashed the phone onto the kitchen floor before sobbing my eyes out, as it turned out the girl’s family threatened me with the police, even though I made no direct threats to her or told her I was going to harm her, I was stating the fact that I was going to harm myself because of her, which I suppose is enough in this gynocentric shit hole of a world for people to see you as a manipulative psychopathic monster and see her as the victim. She allegedly called my aunt shaking and crying after what she read from me. Those are only a fraction of the tears I have cried for her all of those years.
This incident with the messages happened in 2022, nearly three years after the time I gave her the drawing in 2019. In 2023 her father again threatened to pursue legal action against me because I was stalking her social media and I liked one of her posts for some reason. This one was on me, I was in a dark place and I was trying to freak her out on purpose but once the idea of the law getting involved happened I immediately stopped because I was shitting myself over it like the pathetic sack of shit I am. Anyway I will never bother her again, but that doesn’t mean I won’t forget or forgive the turmoil she has caused me all of these years. The total timeframe between the moment my first non platonic feelings for her crossed my mind to now is nearly 8 years. Half of that time was full of loving her with all of my heart, and the past 4 years has been the love becoming hatred. Hatred for the easy live she got to live because of her wealthy parents, hatred for female nature itself after learning redpill and then finally blackpill which makes the redpill look bluepill. I had hatred for the fact that I was suffering while she was happy, not knowing the full extent of the confusion and pain she has caused me.
So I genuinely think that I will think about her every single day for the rest of my life, even decades down the line if I even make it that far. It is my beautifully perfect tragedy that I will never let go of, and it is my origin story. I would say she created a monster but the truth is that I’m a loser who is too afraid to look a woman in the eyes let alone be intimidating. I am a pathetic man who wallows in self pity over a girl who I didn’t even have the chance to date, and even my family thought it was so strange how I could be so in love with this girl. It’s because she led me on more than they know, and it messed with my heart big time.
She completely ruined my life. I guess all I am trying to do now is pick up the pieces of what’s left and glue them back together again. The final product if I can manage to fix my life is a man who will never be the same but at least I learned something from it, that all women are EVIL. I spend enough time on my phone to know that anyways, and anyone who says social media isn’t real life is coping, but I digress.
If I could go back to the time before I was so in love with her I would, I was so much happier because I still had my innocence. Oh well, time to rot on this forum until I reach paragon while the girl whom I thought was the love of my life gets her back blown out at college by a guy who is half a foot taller than me.
