CrackyChanFan
Self-banned
-
- Joined
- May 8, 2018
- Posts
- 279
I deactivated Facebook many years ago; had to create a fake one recently for work related reasons. Got tempted to look up people I knew from school. God it was depressing. Many of the idiots I knew from school are now married and some have kids. Some of them look older than I expected. Some of them barely seem to have aged since they were 16. All of them in happy relationships. Normal development into adulthood.
I am 27 years old now. Deep into adulthood and I should be beyond this and be above worrying what people from school would think of me now. Should be forgetting about school and have moved well on by now; but I haven't. My mind keeps replaying scenarios that happened as a teenager. Scenes that have been burned deep into my psyche that it seems more real than life now sometimes. Fight scenes with my parents from when I was 14 that I fucking replay daily in my head. Scenes of humiliation from girls when I was 15 years old. Pining love-lust for girls and the suicidal humiliation that came with the inevitable rejection and public humiliation. I keep thinking about all the shit I missed out on due to autism-spaghetti and all the formative experiences of adolescence I don't have. I live in the past way too much. I have a obsession with fiction about adolescence; anything from Le Grand Meaulnes to the fucking TV show Skins.
I did not handle the transition from adolescence to adulthood very well at all. I really really struggled. Something just snapped in me in my second year of sixth form. Went mental. Read a lot of Nietzsche. Became and angry and lazy cunt. Bullied by so called friends. Didn't understand how to live. Emotionally all over the place. Got into a good uni (just scraped the grades to get in) and then dropped out due to legit going insane and almost over dosing on pills. Got my degree in the end but from a shitter uni. Still part of me a longing for an adolescence that I never completed.
So much in the world and the general culture has changed in the last 10 years since I last saw schoolmates in person. I spent so much of my early 20s on 4chan and other places. Experienced the rise of tumblr based identity politics online and saw how it bizarrely seemed to take over general modern culture through academia. I got enthusiastically into reading redpill stuff in the run up to the 2016 US election; both in and around politics and sexuality/personal life to make sense of the strange brave new world that was becoming the place I was entering adulthood into. I am now very black-pilled about politics, society, and my own life; I am cynical about everything.
I am 27 years old now. Deep into adulthood and I should be beyond this and be above worrying what people from school would think of me now. Should be forgetting about school and have moved well on by now; but I haven't. My mind keeps replaying scenarios that happened as a teenager. Scenes that have been burned deep into my psyche that it seems more real than life now sometimes. Fight scenes with my parents from when I was 14 that I fucking replay daily in my head. Scenes of humiliation from girls when I was 15 years old. Pining love-lust for girls and the suicidal humiliation that came with the inevitable rejection and public humiliation. I keep thinking about all the shit I missed out on due to autism-spaghetti and all the formative experiences of adolescence I don't have. I live in the past way too much. I have a obsession with fiction about adolescence; anything from Le Grand Meaulnes to the fucking TV show Skins.
I did not handle the transition from adolescence to adulthood very well at all. I really really struggled. Something just snapped in me in my second year of sixth form. Went mental. Read a lot of Nietzsche. Became and angry and lazy cunt. Bullied by so called friends. Didn't understand how to live. Emotionally all over the place. Got into a good uni (just scraped the grades to get in) and then dropped out due to legit going insane and almost over dosing on pills. Got my degree in the end but from a shitter uni. Still part of me a longing for an adolescence that I never completed.
So much in the world and the general culture has changed in the last 10 years since I last saw schoolmates in person. I spent so much of my early 20s on 4chan and other places. Experienced the rise of tumblr based identity politics online and saw how it bizarrely seemed to take over general modern culture through academia. I got enthusiastically into reading redpill stuff in the run up to the 2016 US election; both in and around politics and sexuality/personal life to make sense of the strange brave new world that was becoming the place I was entering adulthood into. I am now very black-pilled about politics, society, and my own life; I am cynical about everything.