Someone needs to hammer some reason into my brain.
Ldar seven years now. After the first two years a doctor prescribed me a conservator. Never really could make use of him. Instead of doing anything he just victim shames me. I came out to him two years ago that things are not going well. He made me an appointment for a psychiatrist, that's it. When I ask him about stuff he always gets very defensive. Never really cared, if I need help with bureaucracy for therapeutic appliances or disability bucks. Otherwise he acts very collegial. He might play some shady game idk.
I am not allowed to safe money by law. I owe some institutions like 3000€ (basically due to me failing with bureaucracy) and I got lots of unused moneys on my bank account. I have extreme aversion to talk to people to the degree of selective mutism, even with my parents.
In summer I went to that psychiatrist appointment, but I told some fake story to gtfo afap. I actually went ER for meds earlier, helped a bit, but I couldnt stomach the side effects. I also talked with some cunt charity doctors over phone about my physical problems. Total bullshit (they refered me to a doc I visited already and who told me he can't do anything, when I told her that she reeeeed).
I know I need to take my fate into my own hands. (It's not like I didn't try all the time).
1) I fear that the gov wil take my moneys
2) when the lawsuit comes that they will tell me "seeeee you were able all along." and deny that the conservator made mistakes
3) If I do something now that helpers will just tell me "ohh you had no problem with that one thing" and take away all help. (cope I need long pauses minimum a week, my mental state is highly unstable and things I am capable of vary wildly, but I know noone understands me anyway.)
I think since summer I am now strong enough to solve some smaller stuff, but something is holding me back. Idk if it's those fears I described or that I failed so extremely with those calls, psychiatrist appointment and my general practitioner, who I visited for my physically problems, which were dismissed.
Everything here has to be cast into bureaucratic paperform and constantly crossreviewed. Funny thing noone really wants to do that work, but they all somehow expect other doctors do it. When I tell the receptionist, that I need the papers they just react cunty wtf.
I know I forged some positive narrative back in summer. Maybe it was the meds though idk. I just can't imagine any helpful thoughts bring me into the positive mindset to start again. JFL.
Even writing this down makes my intestines cramp...
I just want to curl up and die.
Ldar seven years now. After the first two years a doctor prescribed me a conservator. Never really could make use of him. Instead of doing anything he just victim shames me. I came out to him two years ago that things are not going well. He made me an appointment for a psychiatrist, that's it. When I ask him about stuff he always gets very defensive. Never really cared, if I need help with bureaucracy for therapeutic appliances or disability bucks. Otherwise he acts very collegial. He might play some shady game idk.
I am not allowed to safe money by law. I owe some institutions like 3000€ (basically due to me failing with bureaucracy) and I got lots of unused moneys on my bank account. I have extreme aversion to talk to people to the degree of selective mutism, even with my parents.
In summer I went to that psychiatrist appointment, but I told some fake story to gtfo afap. I actually went ER for meds earlier, helped a bit, but I couldnt stomach the side effects. I also talked with some cunt charity doctors over phone about my physical problems. Total bullshit (they refered me to a doc I visited already and who told me he can't do anything, when I told her that she reeeeed).
I know I need to take my fate into my own hands. (It's not like I didn't try all the time).
1) I fear that the gov wil take my moneys
2) when the lawsuit comes that they will tell me "seeeee you were able all along." and deny that the conservator made mistakes
3) If I do something now that helpers will just tell me "ohh you had no problem with that one thing" and take away all help. (cope I need long pauses minimum a week, my mental state is highly unstable and things I am capable of vary wildly, but I know noone understands me anyway.)
I think since summer I am now strong enough to solve some smaller stuff, but something is holding me back. Idk if it's those fears I described or that I failed so extremely with those calls, psychiatrist appointment and my general practitioner, who I visited for my physically problems, which were dismissed.
Everything here has to be cast into bureaucratic paperform and constantly crossreviewed. Funny thing noone really wants to do that work, but they all somehow expect other doctors do it. When I tell the receptionist, that I need the papers they just react cunty wtf.
I know I forged some positive narrative back in summer. Maybe it was the meds though idk. I just can't imagine any helpful thoughts bring me into the positive mindset to start again. JFL.
Even writing this down makes my intestines cramp...
I just want to curl up and die.
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