Serious I'm scared, that I might never be able to actually rope

[Lewis Carroll]

I think since I was 14, I was pretty determined, that I will rope, as soon as I turn 25, if my life doesn't turn around drastically. Well here I am, 25 for a couple of months and I'm an incel, NEET and absolute looser in every aspect. On my birthday I drank alone until I passed out but I was to much of a coward to even try killing myself.
What now? 25 is basically the abolute event horizon, if nothing happened until this point, nothing will ever happen. There might be maybe 50 more years of this soulcrushing torment, I curse my parents for, ahead of me. I can't do this, I just want to die but I'm a coward. I KNOW all that awaits me is suffering but despite knowing this, I choose to suffer, instead making one quick decision.
Fuck. I don't know what to do, I feel like I have a breakdown right now. I know its just rambeling and in a few days, I will drown myself in shallow copes again, but how long will this work out? Until I'm 40? I can't even imagien what a pathetic, disgusting tormented abomination I'm until then.
I just wish someone on teh street would gun my down from behind.
Fuck.

 

[Deleted member 18214]

Just wait until your cells go er on themselves theory

 

[Over4Mexicels]

Incels.co is great cope, just hang it there buddy boyo, the sharp pain will become apathy over time, then you'll be numb.

 

[virgin4life]

Just get good copes bro. Like a high end gamer PC, expensive DSLR and shit. You need to get money. Money is a tool that gets people to do what you want eventhough they actually don't want to. That is the only way out for you, trust me.

 

[Lewis Carroll]

sharp pain will become apathy over time, then you'll be numb.

It's the other way around for me... I was extremely apathetic during my youth and only during the last couple of years I got more and more desperate.

Just get good copes bro.

What's the fucking point of copes, all they do is distract me from my painful life, why not end it all together?

 

[acnescarcel]

I just wish someone on teh street would gun my down from behind.
Fuck.

 

[WawelDragon1683]

I have the exact same plan. To rope at 25 if my life doesn't get better. I hope i don't pussy out if it comes to that.

 

[V-Trigger]

I never understood why those who call themselves incels would fear suicide as much as any other drone

 

[Lux]

Just wait until your cells go er on themselves theory

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Struggling with the same problem I want to die I am 25 years old and I am obessed with my childhood and teenage years back when I lived life "Childhood and teenage years are living, adulthood is just existing"

I used to have depression and suicidal thoughts from 14-20½ after that I became apathetic and got anhedonia too and of course still suicidal, I have been suicidal since the age of 14 and I just want it to end.

I even miss my depression because at least I could feel something with apathy I can´t feel anything not happiness, sadness or even excitement can you imagine how boring life is without being able to feel excited or thrilled about anything it´s so mundane and boring.
Everyday I get confused for a split second and think "I am actually not a 16 year old teenager anymore I am a 25 year old adult" this is a VERY scary realization to come to terms with where did all the years go? For the last 5 years I have been rotting in my apartment not able to experience feelings because of apathy, no friends, no hobbies or passions not experiencing anything at all I can even stretch it and say for the last 7 years my life has been over, I lived more in 1 single year of adolescence than I have done in the last 7 years as an adult that is soul crushing to think about.

I even planned to kill myself at 18-19 but decided not to and back then I still had depression so it was a huge drive to commit suicide especially with the racing teenage hormones on top of that, now I feel nothing there is no drive at all no extreme sadness from depression or impulsive teenage feelings just nothingness I feel like I just wanna do something extreme to break out of this cycle of mundane trivial cycle that is my life and has been my life for half a decade.

Damn I don´t even know why I write so much maybe just to vent because no one on this forum ever read my posts anyways..