P
I think I have a great life. I don't want a girlfriend because I'm selfish and don't want to devote any time or energy to another human being. On top of that, I'm a misogynist and I think most women have zero or negative value outside of sex. However, when I come on this site I can feel panic attacks coming on and I have to block it out. I'm realizing that ignoring the problem is my cope. When I remember events from my past, I can feel anxiety rising. Missed opportunities, times when girls showed even the slightest interest in me, I start to think "what if...". Now I'm almost 30 and I haven't had a "girlfriend" since I was 12 (she held my hand for a week and then broke up with me). I have a good job and I make good money, in my spare time I sit at home playing video games and browsing the internet without a care in the world, then I come back to this site and it hits me like a brick wall. I think I'm happy because I don't know any better. I don't know what I'm missing because I've never had it. I start thinking about how I could improve myself, then I remember that it doesn't matter, there's nothing I can do. I've committed to exercise for months in the past with barely any results, I'm weak and frail so I'll never be an alpha male. Every feature of my face is fucked, I'd probably need $100,000 worth of surgery and I'd still be a 5/10. Literally EVERY time I take a picture of myself and look at it, I want to kill myself.
