I've been alone alot lately, and I've been just dwelling on my former onenitis and the fact that she hated my guts and called me a stalker (shes my former onenitis that tried to kill herself) all because she thought I liked her in which i did so much. Two years ago i developed an obsession with her and I came from feeling worthless to thinking to myself that she was going to be the whole purpose of this mundane void ridden life that I had, I was bullied everyday because of my aspergers and my inability to even be with people it was before her that I began growing a hatred and disdain for people due to bullying and being laughed at in middle school.
I was coming from a different state when I was half way threw my last year of middle school when I had people that immediately distanced themselves from me and from there everytime I tried to speak my attempts to socialize backfired and I just shut myself out from this world.
Then my first year of HS came along and during my second period I just sat there for a couple of weeks through my classes and the most beautiful brown haired girl I have ever seen walked in, and all i ever wanted to do was to love and be with her but of course me being a person that wasn't really good at keeping strong emotions spilled the beans to someone next to me and to other people I tried to make friends but told a lies about me to her.
From there my on former onenitis hated me and the people that I tried to make friends with rubbed it into my face that she was never going to love me.
This is where I fucked up hard, i stalked her and followed her freshman year because i just wanted to see her face also I tried to do things for her and with her(I was the typical nice guy). So she would pick up on this then I stopped it after 6 months.
But she persisted with the stalker insult and when 1/2 of the school year passed I was still trying desperately to be her friend, and I write myself love letters about her, i couldn't stop contemplating about her nonstop it was just like this animalistic high.
Then sophomore year came and things took a turn for the worst...........my hope's and everything that I ever wanted came to an end when she got a boyfriend, this heartbreak I had drove me to such sadness I came to cry in private sometimes. I wanted to kill myself when i saw her standing up on her tip toes to kiss her tall and skinny boyfriend who's on the football team.
It was then that hell was not a consequence id suffer in the furture but a reality that became living in the present.
So I coped hard by making political fantasies about running for president and being a congressman because I truly felt beyond below everything and just like elliot rodger narcissistic traits came in to cloud the fact that I was truly alone.
And I even wrote about similar things to Elliots end game in his manifesto (keep in mind I never knew who Elliot rodger was) so I made a list ditch effort to be her friend and wrote her a letter saying a let go and I will never follow her again. That didint work and I kept up to my promise anyway.
So eventually i stopped being near my onenitis and i only looked at her in the classroom during junior year but then she called in her parents on me because she thought i was creepy.
Then more months pass and I begin to hate her, one day when she was walking in the hallway i threw water on her and ran off.
Two weeks later she says behind my back that I stare at girls because I cant get anything......... that hit hard for me.
Two months before I was browsing campus shooting massacres on wikipedia and I came across elliot rodger and i saw his reason as "sexual frustration" so I looked him up, and that started my journey toward being truly blackpilled.
As for my onenitis i complety stopped thinking about her.
I was binge watching monkey jones and basedshamans youtube vidoes(this is when he did ttc content and was interesting) so then I learned about other killers and I truly sympathized with elliot and related to him on every level kinda like a older brother to me then I reasearched so many other mass shooters.
As a result I decided to think about how people like me or elliot could have got a girl.....going down that road I discovered game and pickup artist vids often mocking Elliot they seemed like great advice but I never tried it out............... but then I discovered incels. At first I thought you guys where a bunch of losers but slowly I began to sympathize and I discovered that I had thoughts just like many of you here, i browsed the r/incels subreddit and incels.me back in 2017.
I set up an account to say bluepilled things and I insulted you guys(in which I regret) and i got banned.
So months go by with me researching many subjects resulting in me developing a philosophical outlook on the world.
I came here to read and I always knew inside you guys where right about alot of things regarding human nature.
The content after the van attack made me register here and I knew that I had to be a poster.
I studied alot of ideas brought up on here on it shaped my world view I saw things threw a different lens and I caught so many more harsh truths that weren't even said or brought up.
I then took the blackpill which means alot more than looks btw. I took both the dating and the philosophical aspects of the blackpill and became my own teacher.
In my last year of HS my former onenitis then suddenly started popping up in my dreams and I had no idea, I brushed this off after asking for advice in a prevous thread a month back.
She then tried to kill herself (weird coincidence) and rn I cant stop thinking about why along with the emptiness in my life and the harsh truth that revealed.
My grades have been dropping.
I've have no energy to wake up in the morning anymore.
I have nothing.
I want nothing.
I've been getting more an more sad thoughts unrelated to love or my former onenitis.
The blackpill is also really starting to sink in.
I know that I will always be alone.
I sometimes ask myself what's the point in living other than being someone else's asset or workplace fodder.
I've decided to eat alot of food lately to make me more temporarily happy.
I truly want to die I'm not going to try suicide but I wouldn't mind if something ended my shit.
As of now things could change for the worst but I'm anticipating this as something that passes eventually.
Also to add: I had gotten some change in me when the las vegas shooting happened I forgot to add that into the story.
Thanks for reading. there's some details to long to add.
I was coming from a different state when I was half way threw my last year of middle school when I had people that immediately distanced themselves from me and from there everytime I tried to speak my attempts to socialize backfired and I just shut myself out from this world.
Then my first year of HS came along and during my second period I just sat there for a couple of weeks through my classes and the most beautiful brown haired girl I have ever seen walked in, and all i ever wanted to do was to love and be with her but of course me being a person that wasn't really good at keeping strong emotions spilled the beans to someone next to me and to other people I tried to make friends but told a lies about me to her.
From there my on former onenitis hated me and the people that I tried to make friends with rubbed it into my face that she was never going to love me.
This is where I fucked up hard, i stalked her and followed her freshman year because i just wanted to see her face also I tried to do things for her and with her(I was the typical nice guy). So she would pick up on this then I stopped it after 6 months.
But she persisted with the stalker insult and when 1/2 of the school year passed I was still trying desperately to be her friend, and I write myself love letters about her, i couldn't stop contemplating about her nonstop it was just like this animalistic high.
Then sophomore year came and things took a turn for the worst...........my hope's and everything that I ever wanted came to an end when she got a boyfriend, this heartbreak I had drove me to such sadness I came to cry in private sometimes. I wanted to kill myself when i saw her standing up on her tip toes to kiss her tall and skinny boyfriend who's on the football team.
It was then that hell was not a consequence id suffer in the furture but a reality that became living in the present.
So I coped hard by making political fantasies about running for president and being a congressman because I truly felt beyond below everything and just like elliot rodger narcissistic traits came in to cloud the fact that I was truly alone.
And I even wrote about similar things to Elliots end game in his manifesto (keep in mind I never knew who Elliot rodger was) so I made a list ditch effort to be her friend and wrote her a letter saying a let go and I will never follow her again. That didint work and I kept up to my promise anyway.
So eventually i stopped being near my onenitis and i only looked at her in the classroom during junior year but then she called in her parents on me because she thought i was creepy.
Then more months pass and I begin to hate her, one day when she was walking in the hallway i threw water on her and ran off.
Two weeks later she says behind my back that I stare at girls because I cant get anything......... that hit hard for me.
Two months before I was browsing campus shooting massacres on wikipedia and I came across elliot rodger and i saw his reason as "sexual frustration" so I looked him up, and that started my journey toward being truly blackpilled.
As for my onenitis i complety stopped thinking about her.
I was binge watching monkey jones and basedshamans youtube vidoes(this is when he did ttc content and was interesting) so then I learned about other killers and I truly sympathized with elliot and related to him on every level kinda like a older brother to me then I reasearched so many other mass shooters.
As a result I decided to think about how people like me or elliot could have got a girl.....going down that road I discovered game and pickup artist vids often mocking Elliot they seemed like great advice but I never tried it out............... but then I discovered incels. At first I thought you guys where a bunch of losers but slowly I began to sympathize and I discovered that I had thoughts just like many of you here, i browsed the r/incels subreddit and incels.me back in 2017.
I set up an account to say bluepilled things and I insulted you guys(in which I regret) and i got banned.
So months go by with me researching many subjects resulting in me developing a philosophical outlook on the world.
I came here to read and I always knew inside you guys where right about alot of things regarding human nature.
The content after the van attack made me register here and I knew that I had to be a poster.
I studied alot of ideas brought up on here on it shaped my world view I saw things threw a different lens and I caught so many more harsh truths that weren't even said or brought up.
I then took the blackpill which means alot more than looks btw. I took both the dating and the philosophical aspects of the blackpill and became my own teacher.
In my last year of HS my former onenitis then suddenly started popping up in my dreams and I had no idea, I brushed this off after asking for advice in a prevous thread a month back.
She then tried to kill herself (weird coincidence) and rn I cant stop thinking about why along with the emptiness in my life and the harsh truth that revealed.
My grades have been dropping.
I've have no energy to wake up in the morning anymore.
I have nothing.
I want nothing.
I've been getting more an more sad thoughts unrelated to love or my former onenitis.
The blackpill is also really starting to sink in.
I know that I will always be alone.
I sometimes ask myself what's the point in living other than being someone else's asset or workplace fodder.
I've decided to eat alot of food lately to make me more temporarily happy.
I truly want to die I'm not going to try suicide but I wouldn't mind if something ended my shit.
As of now things could change for the worst but I'm anticipating this as something that passes eventually.
Also to add: I had gotten some change in me when the las vegas shooting happened I forgot to add that into the story.
Thanks for reading. there's some details to long to add.
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