I don't know if anyone will read or take this seriously, but I just want to get it off my chest.
I grew up in a weird household after my mother divorced my father for being abusive. They had got together only because he had kidnapped and rap*d her. And being from a traditional country, it's important that they'd marry.
So they had my brother first. But he came out to be mentally ill or sick and died at the age of 3. And I was about 1 years old during then.
Due to physical abuse my mom divorced him and moved in with her parents, taking me in. Recently we moved out out of my grandparents house.
For the majority of my life I've been subject to bullying and alienation, all because of my height (1.67m) and brown skin. Which is probably due to the fact that my dad is 1.63m and my mom is 1.47m.
This alienation and ridicule became stronger when I entered university. I always wanted to have a girlfriend. I always craved intimacy and love. But none of these girls were interested in me. They never reciprocated anything back to me.
They would date those tall and bad boy types. You know the type of boys who bully me. But then they would get in class and talk about human rights and it pissed me off a lot.
It hurts so much to feel for someone deeply and know that they'll never ever like you back and there's nothing you can do. Many nights I haven't been able to sleep and many mornings I wake up with tears, I can't tell if this nightmare is real life or a dream. I saw dreams in my life of a girl many times, whom I like a lot, and we were together and happy I guess. It felt so exhilarating. Then I'd wake up and realize it was just a dream. Brought me to tears.
This girl is someone who rejected me. Her reasoning was "You're a really nice guy, but I don't see you that way" It's almost comical. But how Is she now dating a guy from our class. Does it help that he's 1.90m? He's so much bigger and better than I am or ever will be. It hurts so much to know that he will sleep with her. It stings so hard and I fucking can't stand the pain.
I often think about killing myself. I guess the only thing stopping me is my mother. I just can't bring myself to inflict lots of pain on someone else.
I've attempted and failed though. I don't know if that means anything.
The worst part is that I'm so emotional and I often develop feelings for girls and it's just fucking painful man.
I avoid everyone and everything. I have 0 friends. All I do is sit in my room and doom scroll on my phone.
And they're so shallow that I can't accept it. I just don't accept this at all.
I grew up in a weird household after my mother divorced my father for being abusive. They had got together only because he had kidnapped and rap*d her. And being from a traditional country, it's important that they'd marry.
So they had my brother first. But he came out to be mentally ill or sick and died at the age of 3. And I was about 1 years old during then.
Due to physical abuse my mom divorced him and moved in with her parents, taking me in. Recently we moved out out of my grandparents house.
For the majority of my life I've been subject to bullying and alienation, all because of my height (1.67m) and brown skin. Which is probably due to the fact that my dad is 1.63m and my mom is 1.47m.
This alienation and ridicule became stronger when I entered university. I always wanted to have a girlfriend. I always craved intimacy and love. But none of these girls were interested in me. They never reciprocated anything back to me.
They would date those tall and bad boy types. You know the type of boys who bully me. But then they would get in class and talk about human rights and it pissed me off a lot.
It hurts so much to feel for someone deeply and know that they'll never ever like you back and there's nothing you can do. Many nights I haven't been able to sleep and many mornings I wake up with tears, I can't tell if this nightmare is real life or a dream. I saw dreams in my life of a girl many times, whom I like a lot, and we were together and happy I guess. It felt so exhilarating. Then I'd wake up and realize it was just a dream. Brought me to tears.
This girl is someone who rejected me. Her reasoning was "You're a really nice guy, but I don't see you that way" It's almost comical. But how Is she now dating a guy from our class. Does it help that he's 1.90m? He's so much bigger and better than I am or ever will be. It hurts so much to know that he will sleep with her. It stings so hard and I fucking can't stand the pain.
I often think about killing myself. I guess the only thing stopping me is my mother. I just can't bring myself to inflict lots of pain on someone else.
I've attempted and failed though. I don't know if that means anything.
The worst part is that I'm so emotional and I often develop feelings for girls and it's just fucking painful man.
I avoid everyone and everything. I have 0 friends. All I do is sit in my room and doom scroll on my phone.
And they're so shallow that I can't accept it. I just don't accept this at all.
