That's right i'm not sad or angry about my existence i wanted to cope and believe it was saddens i was feeling or perhaps melancholy but i was mistaken.what i felt all this time was simply put embarrassment.
I have been struggling about my uncertain feelings about life for a long time, ever since i was a child i remember feeling as if i wasn't meant to be born as if i was an error a something meant to be discarded. i didn't grow up in a bad household and my parents never mistreated me, in fact it was the opposite they did everything for me but still i felt as if i never should've had a family.. i really can't even put into words exactly what i was/am feeling but it's something akin to embarrassment and disgust. despite being born in a ordinary loving family i always felt embarrassed to be part of them, i hated them, i hated my mother and father, i hated my siblings and my grandparents along with all the other relatives. for whatever reason that i still don't understand i didn't want to have a family and felt great embarrassment at having one.
Up until recently i deduced that it was my family i was embarrassed about but now i understand.. it wasn't my family it was myself, however it may be possible somehow from my earliest memories i hated myself and thought of my life as a massive embarrassment.
I have been struggling about my uncertain feelings about life for a long time, ever since i was a child i remember feeling as if i wasn't meant to be born as if i was an error a something meant to be discarded. i didn't grow up in a bad household and my parents never mistreated me, in fact it was the opposite they did everything for me but still i felt as if i never should've had a family.. i really can't even put into words exactly what i was/am feeling but it's something akin to embarrassment and disgust. despite being born in a ordinary loving family i always felt embarrassed to be part of them, i hated them, i hated my mother and father, i hated my siblings and my grandparents along with all the other relatives. for whatever reason that i still don't understand i didn't want to have a family and felt great embarrassment at having one.
Up until recently i deduced that it was my family i was embarrassed about but now i understand.. it wasn't my family it was myself, however it may be possible somehow from my earliest memories i hated myself and thought of my life as a massive embarrassment.
