I just got out of the shower, where I sulked for 40 minutes comforting myself by imaging a life I never had.
First, I thought back to a girl from my high school. She was two years younger than me, naive, solemn and very warm to me. We volunteered at the our school's library together once a week, but almost no one checked books in or out, so we spent around ten to twenty minutes actually working and an hour sitting alone at the front desk while talking (we were assigned two-person shifts). When our time was up, I would always walk her home and we would say goodbye. We each worked a second shift on a different day of the week, but we weren't supposed to be paired-up for that one. Yet, against the rules, she still regularly invited me to join her behind the desk on her second shift, during my spare time, as did she on mine. I wasn't interested in her though, I was too busy thinking about another girl who ended up rejecting me. Around the end of the year, I began to skip my shifts, and as I graduated, she left my life, and I didn't even say goodbye. We spent so much time together after school, but we never exchanged contact info and she doesn't have a facebook. I thought about how wonderful it was to be young, social, careless and distracted.
I drifted off to think about how my life could have been different had I not broken contact with her. I didn't even have a crush on her when I knew her, but here I am, so lonely that I'm developing an after-thought oneitis. I dreamed that I married her in my teens, lived with my young wife and had a son. I thought about spending evenings walking by the sea with her at my side, embracing the dry sun as we hike, eating out, comforting each other with talk and embrace after I come home from work, and an array of other bluepilled shit. I imagined the immense pride I'd feel introducing my new family to my parents, grandparents and cousins, and about the happiness and redemption it would bring them. I wanted to be believe so badly in my fake reality that I almost felt satisfied of myself, like I had actually achieved it. Then, I turned off the warm water, put on my cold wet towel, stepped out of the bathroom and sat back into my lonesome chair. FUCK.
I know this girl probably couldn't have given me that life. I know it's a fairy tale. But I wish I could experience a normal, healthy life.
I wish I didn't become such a bitter and malevolent person. I wish I could get out of this nihilistic rut. I wish this day-in, day-out cycle of isolation, fatalism and existentialism didn't rot my brain into mush. I wish I were young and distracted. I wish I could still see something to live for. I wish I didn't blow it. I wish I could just live like everyone else and not think about these stupid fucking "pills". I wish I were normal.
First, I thought back to a girl from my high school. She was two years younger than me, naive, solemn and very warm to me. We volunteered at the our school's library together once a week, but almost no one checked books in or out, so we spent around ten to twenty minutes actually working and an hour sitting alone at the front desk while talking (we were assigned two-person shifts). When our time was up, I would always walk her home and we would say goodbye. We each worked a second shift on a different day of the week, but we weren't supposed to be paired-up for that one. Yet, against the rules, she still regularly invited me to join her behind the desk on her second shift, during my spare time, as did she on mine. I wasn't interested in her though, I was too busy thinking about another girl who ended up rejecting me. Around the end of the year, I began to skip my shifts, and as I graduated, she left my life, and I didn't even say goodbye. We spent so much time together after school, but we never exchanged contact info and she doesn't have a facebook. I thought about how wonderful it was to be young, social, careless and distracted.
I drifted off to think about how my life could have been different had I not broken contact with her. I didn't even have a crush on her when I knew her, but here I am, so lonely that I'm developing an after-thought oneitis. I dreamed that I married her in my teens, lived with my young wife and had a son. I thought about spending evenings walking by the sea with her at my side, embracing the dry sun as we hike, eating out, comforting each other with talk and embrace after I come home from work, and an array of other bluepilled shit. I imagined the immense pride I'd feel introducing my new family to my parents, grandparents and cousins, and about the happiness and redemption it would bring them. I wanted to be believe so badly in my fake reality that I almost felt satisfied of myself, like I had actually achieved it. Then, I turned off the warm water, put on my cold wet towel, stepped out of the bathroom and sat back into my lonesome chair. FUCK.
I know this girl probably couldn't have given me that life. I know it's a fairy tale. But I wish I could experience a normal, healthy life.
I wish I didn't become such a bitter and malevolent person. I wish I could get out of this nihilistic rut. I wish this day-in, day-out cycle of isolation, fatalism and existentialism didn't rot my brain into mush. I wish I were young and distracted. I wish I could still see something to live for. I wish I didn't blow it. I wish I could just live like everyone else and not think about these stupid fucking "pills". I wish I were normal.
