Lewis Carroll
Looking for his Alice
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- Joined
- Aug 10, 2019
- Posts
- 163
I just can't do this shit anymore. It feels like, since I've turned 25 and found myself closer to 30 than to 20, a switch was turned in my head that made all of my copes useless within days. My ldaring turned into staring at the ceiling in full consciousness of my worthless existence.
Due to recent events I talked myself into going outside, trying another "mindset". I tried to imagine, that this city wasn't a place I've been rotting for years now at, but some place I just recently moved to. I just wanted to see, if this might make me somehow less anxious...more curious if that makes sense.
Going through the streets during one of the first warm, sunny days of the year and watching peopledo, whatever they do is just gut wrenching. I don't even belong to the same fucking species. My appearence doesn't even has to be mentioned. That aside, its just unfathomable, how I could ever behave in a way, that would let me interact with this society.
There is no way I will turn my existence into anything positive, but I refuse to just fade out and give life the satisfaction of doing this to me, just for the purpose of a morbid experiment. This doesn't mean, that I'm planning anything illegal or something that would be harmful to others. I'm to retarded anyway and it would leave a totally wrong message. I don't want a monument to my anger but to my desperation and if I have to burn or gut myelf, but who am I kidding I'm not only retarded I'm also a pussy, so I will just drink myself to death within the next decade.
Due to recent events I talked myself into going outside, trying another "mindset". I tried to imagine, that this city wasn't a place I've been rotting for years now at, but some place I just recently moved to. I just wanted to see, if this might make me somehow less anxious...more curious if that makes sense.
Going through the streets during one of the first warm, sunny days of the year and watching peopledo, whatever they do is just gut wrenching. I don't even belong to the same fucking species. My appearence doesn't even has to be mentioned. That aside, its just unfathomable, how I could ever behave in a way, that would let me interact with this society.
There is no way I will turn my existence into anything positive, but I refuse to just fade out and give life the satisfaction of doing this to me, just for the purpose of a morbid experiment. This doesn't mean, that I'm planning anything illegal or something that would be harmful to others. I'm to retarded anyway and it would leave a totally wrong message. I don't want a monument to my anger but to my desperation and if I have to burn or gut myelf, but who am I kidding I'm not only retarded I'm also a pussy, so I will just drink myself to death within the next decade.