That by itself isn't a big deal. I didn't even know what I was doing, I saw it was friday, which would mean push day if I hypothetically did ppl 2x, I googled push routine, and tried to follow it along as best as I could. It wasn't even a real workout, just me doing 10 of every push exercise on the list, then I punched the punching bag for a couple minutes then left.
If you were in my situation, would you kill yourself? I think many would. An ugly, very autistic (I can't even type in a "normal" way) short male who had a terrible childhood, father left, globally humiliated with every single classmate you've ever had, seeing you humiliated on social media for millions of views. I had suicidal thoughts lingering since I was 13 - 14 but it's crazy I've never acted on them.
I consider myself one of the biggest "truecel" here because I have no halos, not 6 foot, not normie looks, not NT, no loving family, no friends, not white, now no possibility of living a normal life after making a truly retarded mistake at 17 which makes me lolcowmaxxed.
But despite that, I'm still trying to rebuild. Even when I hate living, I worked out today for the 1st time in months. I applied to 1 job yesterday. (My mom forces me to do volunteering at a Masjid), I tried to study. My apricot thing made my acne worse so I started washing my face in the morning. That's not a lot, a small amount of work, but it shows even if I want to die and know everyone I previously knew saw the video, even when I have to stare at my fucking ugly face in the morning every single day, I'm still trying to rebuild. I don't have a schedule yet, but I'm trying to get better at managing my time with google calendar, and get to the point where I schedule the gym, a job, university/studying, free time, sleep, etc, so I know what to do that day even if I feel like I want to kill myself. After this I'm going to apply to jobs, study, go home, laundry. Even right now I want to kill myself, but I'm trying to progress towards rebuilding.
The elephant in the room, is because of how humiliating the FitXFearless video was, and how badly I fucked up 4 months ago, it's now impossible to rebuild my life. I agree, I wanted to hang myself in my room because I thought if the FitxFearless videos stay up, then no matter what I do, there's no point in living. But the official tiktok and instagram video got removed. I just need the official video and short on youtube to be taken down, so only the reuploads remain. If I get the official videos removed, report all the reuploads and get 70% of them taken down, whilst staying on a calendar and rebuilding my life (I'll create a schedule eventually), fully softmax, hardmax? idk (my stance on surgery got fucked because of this situation, I want to get all these videos taken down, but if I get cosmetic surgery anyways, that feels kinda hypocritical. Like I make money to get the videos taken down, then next day I'm in Turkey. It fucks with my mind. You tell me if I should still get rhinoplasty/otoplasty because now I honestly don't know, on one hand it will bring me from ltn to mtn, on the other hand it fucks with me) then there's possibilities.
I've been talking a lot about trying to get the videos taken down, (obviously I have to get the videos taken down as soon as possible if I even want a chance, even on the short, the editing is made to make me move my head in all directions making it more humiliating), but now I'm actually trying to rebuild even if I am suicidal and even if it feels pointless. Gym, skincare, trying to get a job, I'm still ugly, autistic and a viral lolcow, which only furthers my suicidal thoughts but now I'm at least taking some action to rebuild.
If you were in my situation, would you kill yourself? I think many would. An ugly, very autistic (I can't even type in a "normal" way) short male who had a terrible childhood, father left, globally humiliated with every single classmate you've ever had, seeing you humiliated on social media for millions of views. I had suicidal thoughts lingering since I was 13 - 14 but it's crazy I've never acted on them.
I consider myself one of the biggest "truecel" here because I have no halos, not 6 foot, not normie looks, not NT, no loving family, no friends, not white, now no possibility of living a normal life after making a truly retarded mistake at 17 which makes me lolcowmaxxed.
But despite that, I'm still trying to rebuild. Even when I hate living, I worked out today for the 1st time in months. I applied to 1 job yesterday. (My mom forces me to do volunteering at a Masjid), I tried to study. My apricot thing made my acne worse so I started washing my face in the morning. That's not a lot, a small amount of work, but it shows even if I want to die and know everyone I previously knew saw the video, even when I have to stare at my fucking ugly face in the morning every single day, I'm still trying to rebuild. I don't have a schedule yet, but I'm trying to get better at managing my time with google calendar, and get to the point where I schedule the gym, a job, university/studying, free time, sleep, etc, so I know what to do that day even if I feel like I want to kill myself. After this I'm going to apply to jobs, study, go home, laundry. Even right now I want to kill myself, but I'm trying to progress towards rebuilding.
The elephant in the room, is because of how humiliating the FitXFearless video was, and how badly I fucked up 4 months ago, it's now impossible to rebuild my life. I agree, I wanted to hang myself in my room because I thought if the FitxFearless videos stay up, then no matter what I do, there's no point in living. But the official tiktok and instagram video got removed. I just need the official video and short on youtube to be taken down, so only the reuploads remain. If I get the official videos removed, report all the reuploads and get 70% of them taken down, whilst staying on a calendar and rebuilding my life (I'll create a schedule eventually), fully softmax, hardmax? idk (my stance on surgery got fucked because of this situation, I want to get all these videos taken down, but if I get cosmetic surgery anyways, that feels kinda hypocritical. Like I make money to get the videos taken down, then next day I'm in Turkey. It fucks with my mind. You tell me if I should still get rhinoplasty/otoplasty because now I honestly don't know, on one hand it will bring me from ltn to mtn, on the other hand it fucks with me) then there's possibilities.
I've been talking a lot about trying to get the videos taken down, (obviously I have to get the videos taken down as soon as possible if I even want a chance, even on the short, the editing is made to make me move my head in all directions making it more humiliating), but now I'm actually trying to rebuild even if I am suicidal and even if it feels pointless. Gym, skincare, trying to get a job, I'm still ugly, autistic and a viral lolcow, which only furthers my suicidal thoughts but now I'm at least taking some action to rebuild.
