I wish no one was hurting. I wish we were all happy. I wish that nothing that happened happened. If we can't enjoy life why have life at all? Nihilism is a hell of a drug, and I'm high on it. I want to be happy, I do, but I also don't want to be alive or thinking or maybe even there. I just want to be nowhere, in an empty void where I can't think, speak, talk. Gone forever. And ultimately even if everyone was in this void with me, we would all be gone, we wouldn't care even if we would've because we would be alone. Together.
I hate hating and I hate my hating of hate. It's the worst thing, hating hate, because when you get mad and get aware of being mad, you get angrier, which makes you even angrier because now you know you're angry. I want to hit, break, punch, harm. I take it out on myself and sometimes others. Nothing is right in this world, no one enjoys me. Even my dog barks at me whenever I go near him because even he hates my presence and would rather I just be gone forever, but why would anyone ever want me here when all I can do is hate people?
I want to be more. I want to do things, but I can't. I'm not smart, strong, funny, attractive enough. There is nothing in this world I can do that will ever make me enough as a person, because ultimately I will keep making these mistakes and I will keep doing these wrongs. There is, and will always be, nothing. I am nothing and will always be nothing. This realization shouldn't, by any means, calm me down but it does. Writing about it here moreso. I have not the foggiest of why it does and by all means it shouldn't, and yet... it does.
So here I am. I haven't been here in forever, losing sight of myself and what I believe in and enjoy, haven't done the things I like in twice as long because I can't find the time or enjoyment in it all anymore... what is there for me really? Just more emptiness and void? Should I end it all, when I even have the means to do so sitting right next to me on all sides and even right outside my bedroom door? There is nothing in this world for me. Why should I stay here, if I can't fit in?
I just want to fit in & be normal.
I hate hating and I hate my hating of hate. It's the worst thing, hating hate, because when you get mad and get aware of being mad, you get angrier, which makes you even angrier because now you know you're angry. I want to hit, break, punch, harm. I take it out on myself and sometimes others. Nothing is right in this world, no one enjoys me. Even my dog barks at me whenever I go near him because even he hates my presence and would rather I just be gone forever, but why would anyone ever want me here when all I can do is hate people?
I want to be more. I want to do things, but I can't. I'm not smart, strong, funny, attractive enough. There is nothing in this world I can do that will ever make me enough as a person, because ultimately I will keep making these mistakes and I will keep doing these wrongs. There is, and will always be, nothing. I am nothing and will always be nothing. This realization shouldn't, by any means, calm me down but it does. Writing about it here moreso. I have not the foggiest of why it does and by all means it shouldn't, and yet... it does.
So here I am. I haven't been here in forever, losing sight of myself and what I believe in and enjoy, haven't done the things I like in twice as long because I can't find the time or enjoyment in it all anymore... what is there for me really? Just more emptiness and void? Should I end it all, when I even have the means to do so sitting right next to me on all sides and even right outside my bedroom door? There is nothing in this world for me. Why should I stay here, if I can't fit in?
I just want to fit in & be normal.
