I am so extremely bored also a little anxious it´s been two days since I last was drunk and I talked to my psychiatrist today and she told me that if I wasn´t clean till next week I will get into a rehab program instead of the place I am in now which is a place to treat anxiety because I got a throat problem alledgedly caused by my aspergers. The bad thing is that I might lose a good fraction of my money if I don´t comply because I am in something called "activation" which means I get 442$ more a month and before I was struggling without getting food or money from my parenst.
But my existence is so incredibly boring it´s insane I have no friends and I really mean NO friends not like the people pretending they don´t while still occasionally hanging out with people I having hung out with a friend for years and I can´t make online friends like other people do in video games I got 143 steam friends from randoms who have added me throughout the years but we don´t talk because I am too anxious to so it usually end in playing one or two games and no more interaction.
But as I said my existence is so insanely boring I watch the same shows over and over again and try and force myself to play games recently Battlefield 2 (2005) but it can only distract me for a short amount of time I also suffer from apathy and anhedonia which is apparent from this post so I find no joy in any hobbies so the "just get a new hobby" doesn´t work for me since my brain has no my happy hormones.
"With a quote from South Park Ass Burgers" episode from Stan Marsh "how do you go on living when everything that used to make you happy makes you sick"
It´s not even that I like drinking even that is boring it just makes things a tid more interesting but the shrinks want me to stop drinking even though it´s mostly a couple times a week and get tapered off benzos so I will have anxiety again, they literally want to take away the only two things that makes my existence barable even though it might only improve it with 2-3% I feel no emotions other than anger, I have no friends, I don´t have a car anymore so I can´t enjoy a nice car ride or go where I want, I live alone and used to live with my parents and 3 siblings so I come from a loving home and now I am isolated and all alone with nothing to do I can´t work and don´t want to even if I could the only trivial things I can look forward to is going to the gun range 2 times a month and family gatherings for social interaction but because of the current crisis everything is canceled and now these incompetent shrinks want to take my last copes away from me FUCK THEM! Rant over...
I am sure no one will respond to this thread since it´s "too long" and made by me because the universe/simulation hates me, ignores me and torments me so I can´t even meet a single person with a similar magnigicent mind whom I can have a conversation about all my rage not just suicidal thoughts but how we as humans are horrible creatures nothing better than a turmorous cancer that humans claim to be so evil they are the embodiment of evil even though the term 'evil' is subjective you can´t deny that bending the world to your will just to create a Utopia for your own "superior" species is evil; it doesn´t matter if any animals suffer by either losing their homes or lives as long as human achieve their goal of gathering resourches to sustain their Utopia of a world.
