Literally the first day back to school. It’s my fourth year of college, I’ve been working towards my masters. For years, including high school but especially college, I’ve just pushed through with nothing but sheer determination. I’ve basically ignored my loneliness the entire time. But it’s finally reaching a breaking point. I just can’t do it anymore.
What’s the fucking point. Being in the classes just hurts me. I hate even seeing these girls I could never even dream to be close to. And every single chad i see I literally want to murder him. You see him on his phone almost all day, and you already know what he’s doing. Talking to Stacy. And getting the numbers of the girls in the class with him. How am I supposed to even give a single fuck about the class. Or anything in fucking life.
I was sitting in class today thinking about how I wished assisted suicide was a thing for “healthy” people. And I was thinking about how I wished I could sue my parents/the government for allowing my existence to happen. It should be criminal. The existence we live in is literally worse than any torture I can imagine. At least those being tortured probably have had love, intimacy.
Just think about how pathetic that is. It’s unthinkable to everyone else in the class. What do you think is going through their heads? The same bullshit all normies think about. They’re just relaxed. They have a great day ahead of them. They have things to look forward to, not just that day, but their entire lives.
Would they ever think that the one guy in there is literally wishing he was dead? While the teacher is speaking, I’m sitting there wondering why I was condemned to this suffering. Literally on the verge of tears the entire class because my life is finally just unbearable. Genuinely wishing I hadn’t been born, because now I have to contend with my natural fear of death just escape endless pain. Literally crying almost constantly every day.
But they have no idea. No one understands. I don’t even want anything crazy. I never asked for a lot. Just for a hand to hold.
What’s the fucking point. Being in the classes just hurts me. I hate even seeing these girls I could never even dream to be close to. And every single chad i see I literally want to murder him. You see him on his phone almost all day, and you already know what he’s doing. Talking to Stacy. And getting the numbers of the girls in the class with him. How am I supposed to even give a single fuck about the class. Or anything in fucking life.
I was sitting in class today thinking about how I wished assisted suicide was a thing for “healthy” people. And I was thinking about how I wished I could sue my parents/the government for allowing my existence to happen. It should be criminal. The existence we live in is literally worse than any torture I can imagine. At least those being tortured probably have had love, intimacy.
Just think about how pathetic that is. It’s unthinkable to everyone else in the class. What do you think is going through their heads? The same bullshit all normies think about. They’re just relaxed. They have a great day ahead of them. They have things to look forward to, not just that day, but their entire lives.
Would they ever think that the one guy in there is literally wishing he was dead? While the teacher is speaking, I’m sitting there wondering why I was condemned to this suffering. Literally on the verge of tears the entire class because my life is finally just unbearable. Genuinely wishing I hadn’t been born, because now I have to contend with my natural fear of death just escape endless pain. Literally crying almost constantly every day.
But they have no idea. No one understands. I don’t even want anything crazy. I never asked for a lot. Just for a hand to hold.
