Whenever I go outside, minding my own business, I constantly am in fear people are talking about me and laughing. I feel like I am constantly being stared at and judged as a lesser man. I can't tell whether this is really happening or if I am developing a mental illness. Neither would surprise me, but I theorise it is not the latter.
When I am just being a gentleman and mind my own business, I am seen as weak, creepy and met with passive aggressive responses if I ever have to ask someone a question. I am gossiped about and people say odd things to me in which I often have no idea if they're trying to be nice or they're insulting me. Sometimes when this happens I fantasise about getting a hammer and smashing the teeth out of my oppressors, but I know better than to do that. I often have violent thoughts I wish I didn't have, and I would never do them because I am a nice guy and don't want to get kicked out of my college.
My friends give stupid advice like "It's all about how you carry yourself bro" and "Just calm down a bit around others bro, they can sense the energy" This doesn't work and is simply ignorant. This was the responses I received when there was a discussion about how I behaved and I just had a moment of silence and said "I wish I wasn't how I am" but he didn't believe me when I said that none of what I suffer can be repaired
I notice how when I look around, the words, mannerisms, look in their eyes is completely different than mine, and they see that too, I am "outside of the tribe" therefore I am seen as a untrustworthy presence. Since birth my pupils have always been constantly massive, so when people look at me they often think I am on drugs.
I will soon start taking steroids, and hope that maybe others will respect me more.
I wish I wasn't the way I am, but I cannot change that. I am broken beyond repair. I'm God's lonely man.
When I am just being a gentleman and mind my own business, I am seen as weak, creepy and met with passive aggressive responses if I ever have to ask someone a question. I am gossiped about and people say odd things to me in which I often have no idea if they're trying to be nice or they're insulting me. Sometimes when this happens I fantasise about getting a hammer and smashing the teeth out of my oppressors, but I know better than to do that. I often have violent thoughts I wish I didn't have, and I would never do them because I am a nice guy and don't want to get kicked out of my college.
My friends give stupid advice like "It's all about how you carry yourself bro" and "Just calm down a bit around others bro, they can sense the energy" This doesn't work and is simply ignorant. This was the responses I received when there was a discussion about how I behaved and I just had a moment of silence and said "I wish I wasn't how I am" but he didn't believe me when I said that none of what I suffer can be repaired
I notice how when I look around, the words, mannerisms, look in their eyes is completely different than mine, and they see that too, I am "outside of the tribe" therefore I am seen as a untrustworthy presence. Since birth my pupils have always been constantly massive, so when people look at me they often think I am on drugs.
I will soon start taking steroids, and hope that maybe others will respect me more.
I wish I wasn't the way I am, but I cannot change that. I am broken beyond repair. I'm God's lonely man.
