I swear people are only decent to me when they're close to someone disabled

[the_only_ugly_YWG]

It's just a thing I've noticed over the years, I'm noticeably autistic and my face is really fucking weird looking, so peoples default reaction to my presence is one of disgust, fear and discomfort and they just stare at me like I'm an alien, that kind of unwavering stare that doesn't stop even after they've seen me notice them staring, but the odd few people who have actually been nice to me and treated me with anything besides this shock and disgust, have almost always turned out to be people who either are close to someone disabled like a family member or friend or something, or they work with disabled people or are otherwise familiar with them, I don't think anyone has ever been genuinely authentically decent to me, it's always because they either are familiar with disabled people or they just feel enough pity for me to be decent to me

One incident that really stands out to me is this one time at the gym when there was this guy with down syndrome there, he's severe enough that he has a caretaker there with him every time, and this one caretaker looked at me and immediately gave me the most sympathetic smile, like he literally just took one look at me and immediately perceived me as "disabled", it fucking ruined my day, he probably thought he was doing the right thing but I immediately got drunk as fuck that same evening because I just couldn't emotionally handle the very real possibility that everyone percieves me as fucking disabled when I'm really not, idk if it's because my autistic mannerisms are more obvious than I think, or my tourettes which is also very noticeable, or my face alone that is making people perceive me this way but either way every time I notice people treating me this way, being overly kind to me, it just makes me immediately want to fucking rope, my ego just simply can't handle the prospect that I'm perceived as disabled by most people and the only people who are ever going to treat me with decency are people who either just feel really sorry for me or are just familiar/desensitised to disabled people

 

[j10009504]

brutal. people just ignore me or avoid me these days. I guess people thinking you are disabled is worse. but at least you get some sympathy?

 

[the_only_ugly_YWG]

brutal. people just ignore me or avoid me these days. I guess people thinking you are disabled is worse. but at least you get some sympathy?

It's literally fucking worse, at least it makes me feel worse than if people just acted repulsed by me

 

[Friezacel]

Mogs me for getting pity

 

[killchad]

Pity is the worse thing possible, it wrecks your psych

 

[273cooperdav]

I thought I'd give it a try wearing an autism lanyard the other day whilst out. As I have become very familiar with what autism is and now recognise it in myself as something I have lived with my entire life.

It made me feel extremely vulnerable the whole day, by the end of the day I stopped caring or noticing I had it on. A few people I interacted with incidentally were looking down at the lanyard and I remember thinking "I wonder what their minds are making of that". Thing is you can't stop people having judgements about you. Your own mind is your domain and that's the only place anyone really has power. Judgements of other people are the last things anyone should concern themselves with.

 

[Autistic Uggo]

Pity is the worse thing possible, it wrecks your psych

I would take pity over derision or apathy.

I wish people pitied me for being disabled. Nobody cares how much I struggle. They just think I'm weird and ugly.

 

[killchad]

I would take pity over derision or apathy.

I wish people pitied me for being disabled.

Nah I've had hatred directed at me and it feels a lot better than pity.