Yesterday I did 3 devasting mistakes:
1. Gambled away all my money (800 euro). I'm so done living with nothing. Had 100 euro left afterwards but gambled away that now in the morning.
2. Cut myself once later in the evening. Also punched myself as hard as possible in face a bounch of times after I losed. Hopefully things will heal alright.
3. Vented about parts of the situation abounch of times to other studends on the school's google chat for socializing. Mentioned that I fucked up and will probably sleep on the bench outdoors. At About 3 am I was really fucking drunk and I started sharing socialist songs on the chat aswell. Anyway all of that led to students sharing info with principle so now literally everyone think I'm weird as hell. And I'm starting to fall behind alot in terms of getting school tasks done. Finnally went home at 5am. In total from the morning to when I came home i had been drinking 2,5 liters of wine and 500 ml of vodka. Been sober today.
Anyway now to the intresting part. In the morning smoked some, had only slept for 5 hours, only like 5 puffs and at first I was ok but that didn't last long. Out of nowhere my heart beat, breathing rythm, head among other things all got completely messed up and I got extremely parnoid. My hands where shaking a lot and for the next two hours it was hell. I belived wholeheartedly that I was very close to death the entire time and told the people around about it but nobody listened to me. They said it was all mental even do a lot of what I felt was phsyical. I have never felt so bad before or so scared of death, I started thinking a lot about how much I've messed up my life regarding a lot of things and how I don't deserve any respect. During those hours all I did was try breathing techniques to save myself, I could not focus on anything other then how I was feeling physically and mentally.
I had to really force myself to be able to stand up and not fall asleep. Eventually it mostly went away when I puked. The puke had a lot of food in it which is weird cause I had not eaten anything in 24 hours.
Except for that episode the only other thing i've been doing today is listen to music and applying to diffrent loans. Rejected everytime even do all I'm applying for is 1000 euros.
Cruel world. No food or money for 20 days while my world is falling down.
1. Gambled away all my money (800 euro). I'm so done living with nothing. Had 100 euro left afterwards but gambled away that now in the morning.
2. Cut myself once later in the evening. Also punched myself as hard as possible in face a bounch of times after I losed. Hopefully things will heal alright.
3. Vented about parts of the situation abounch of times to other studends on the school's google chat for socializing. Mentioned that I fucked up and will probably sleep on the bench outdoors. At About 3 am I was really fucking drunk and I started sharing socialist songs on the chat aswell. Anyway all of that led to students sharing info with principle so now literally everyone think I'm weird as hell. And I'm starting to fall behind alot in terms of getting school tasks done. Finnally went home at 5am. In total from the morning to when I came home i had been drinking 2,5 liters of wine and 500 ml of vodka. Been sober today.
Anyway now to the intresting part. In the morning smoked some, had only slept for 5 hours, only like 5 puffs and at first I was ok but that didn't last long. Out of nowhere my heart beat, breathing rythm, head among other things all got completely messed up and I got extremely parnoid. My hands where shaking a lot and for the next two hours it was hell. I belived wholeheartedly that I was very close to death the entire time and told the people around about it but nobody listened to me. They said it was all mental even do a lot of what I felt was phsyical. I have never felt so bad before or so scared of death, I started thinking a lot about how much I've messed up my life regarding a lot of things and how I don't deserve any respect. During those hours all I did was try breathing techniques to save myself, I could not focus on anything other then how I was feeling physically and mentally.
I had to really force myself to be able to stand up and not fall asleep. Eventually it mostly went away when I puked. The puke had a lot of food in it which is weird cause I had not eaten anything in 24 hours.
Except for that episode the only other thing i've been doing today is listen to music and applying to diffrent loans. Rejected everytime even do all I'm applying for is 1000 euros.
Cruel world. No food or money for 20 days while my world is falling down.
