My mind is rotten from years of trauma and loneliness, I'm in a constant state of anhedonia I've lost all ability to feel positive emotions due to a decrease in activity in my brain reward system , today I don't play video games for pleasure, it's an escape to another reality more comforting to me than the other world in which I recall many tragic memories, I just feel like a broken vessel.
As for love, I no longer have any illusions. There was a time when I still had hope that if I put in enough effort at school and myself, I'd be able to overcome the difficulties I'm facing and that would ease my day-to-day life, but in reality it won't change the essence of the problem: the fact that I'm non-NT, internally shattered and unattractive. During my childhood I was always a spectator rather than an actor in my life, I saw people having success with girls while I was ignored and classed with the outcasts.
I've reached a point where even if I managed to get a girlfriend on a misunderstanding, I wouldn't be able to give her love and I'd unleash all my resentment on her or use her just to get sex.
We all carry our cross during our time on Earth, but for some it's heavier to bear than for others.
As for love, I no longer have any illusions. There was a time when I still had hope that if I put in enough effort at school and myself, I'd be able to overcome the difficulties I'm facing and that would ease my day-to-day life, but in reality it won't change the essence of the problem: the fact that I'm non-NT, internally shattered and unattractive. During my childhood I was always a spectator rather than an actor in my life, I saw people having success with girls while I was ignored and classed with the outcasts.
I've reached a point where even if I managed to get a girlfriend on a misunderstanding, I wouldn't be able to give her love and I'd unleash all my resentment on her or use her just to get sex.
We all carry our cross during our time on Earth, but for some it's heavier to bear than for others.
