eliya
Officer
★★★★
- Joined
- Jun 24, 2024
- Posts
- 822
I'm tired genuinely tired of being nice and trying
The last 4 years have been nothing but failure
Failed at competitions
failed at romance f
ailed University applications
Failed my parents
Failure failure failure I tried my best I really did and sometimes I got close but I failed every single time I look at people and look at how they grew up with a lot of positive reinforcement parents that love them friends that love them I have nothing of that sort I am jealous and envious
I annoy people I annoy people even on this fourm
Some of you all have never tried in your life and maybe that's a good thing sometimes giving up is it good thing
cuz every single time you fail you lose a part of yourself
And then eventually
you become hollow
void of sympathy love and compassion
a miserable and hateful human being
And slowly but surely I am becoming that
I have wild fantasies of hurting people disfiguring their face
ruining their knee cap
breaking their arms and legs
I want to change
But this downward a spiral is continuing
Right now I am in the process of accepting accepting that love was never for me to have
that I would never be respected by my peers
That no matter what I do and what I tell I would still be the bad guy
I want to live the rest of my life by the principle that I will never have these things instead of trying to change and desperately seek them
I just want to make peace with the fact that I would never have them
And structuring my life around that idea
That seems like the only way to escape this nightmare
The last 4 years have been nothing but failure
Failed at competitions
failed at romance f
ailed University applications
Failed my parents
Failure failure failure I tried my best I really did and sometimes I got close but I failed every single time I look at people and look at how they grew up with a lot of positive reinforcement parents that love them friends that love them I have nothing of that sort I am jealous and envious
I annoy people I annoy people even on this fourm
Some of you all have never tried in your life and maybe that's a good thing sometimes giving up is it good thing
cuz every single time you fail you lose a part of yourself
And then eventually
you become hollow
void of sympathy love and compassion
a miserable and hateful human being
And slowly but surely I am becoming that
I have wild fantasies of hurting people disfiguring their face
ruining their knee cap
breaking their arms and legs
I want to change
But this downward a spiral is continuing
Right now I am in the process of accepting accepting that love was never for me to have
that I would never be respected by my peers
That no matter what I do and what I tell I would still be the bad guy
I want to live the rest of my life by the principle that I will never have these things instead of trying to change and desperately seek them
I just want to make peace with the fact that I would never have them
And structuring my life around that idea
That seems like the only way to escape this nightmare