I just want to say that my childhood was quite normal, I was never beaten, I was an only child and always could count on my mom. Yet after the age of 13, I did indeed expand my picture of the world, of the subjectivity of morality - and approximately since then, I could never fully understand why a human would ever choose to live, would ever desire life. How can you regain your values after turning a nihilist?
The only things that I wish I had had in my childhood are:
1) self-respect - my dad was distant, and at the same time allowed the friends of the family to critique my mother's child rearing (so I always wanted to be from a rigid, respected family with traditions and so on);
2) a totalitarian state - I have always sucked up to the authority, and living after the fall of the USSR is quite hard for me.
But at the same time, my "suicidal ideation" (whatever that means) is deeper, philosophical in nature, and I suspect, it would never leave me even if I lived in my utopia. This is why if I could ever change my life, I would probably choose to live as a chimpanzee - a pure Darwinian struggle, kill or be killed, an existence unmarred by the understanding of the boundaries of living. (Although who knows, maybe the higher-IQ non-human animals think of such stuff, too.)
I am writing this because I consider the depression-less and pain-less suicidal ideation not nearly enough represented on the Internet.
My questions thus are: Was my childhood indeed happy, and am I merely bratty? Do I have a higher-than-average IQ that leads me to see through the lies of life? Or am I just an autistic moron (I never formed connections with my peers, only with my mom and teachers)?
At the same time, maybe this forum is not for me, as you might say, "People have legitimate grievances with life, and here you are, a privileged prick that gets everything handed to you, and yet you are unfulfilled and ungrateful." Mind you, nobody in my life spoke to me like this, this is purely my trying to be fair, not to run into delusions of either grandeur or of inferiority...
When people talk about how bad their childhood was... How bad their life is... I cannot but think that they are more fortunate than me - those who hate their fathers choose to go and live an independent life, have children. Whereas I don't want any of that and don't necessarily want to live (although I don't desire immediate death either). How can I make sense of it?
When I read the stories of people, I feel as if suffering helps them. Do I need to suffer? As a YouTube comedian Jreg once said, "I want to die in a war". Maybe I do not know the boundaries of life, being so sheltered? And yet, I cannot leave the thought that I can never make myself fully embrace life...
This is such a joke. I myself am a militant atheist through and through, and I despise supernatural religion, and yet I feel as if I'm deeply Christian - deeply long for death! Mark Twain and Tolkien's words about how man is but a guest ring true to my soul.
The only things that I wish I had had in my childhood are:
1) self-respect - my dad was distant, and at the same time allowed the friends of the family to critique my mother's child rearing (so I always wanted to be from a rigid, respected family with traditions and so on);
2) a totalitarian state - I have always sucked up to the authority, and living after the fall of the USSR is quite hard for me.
But at the same time, my "suicidal ideation" (whatever that means) is deeper, philosophical in nature, and I suspect, it would never leave me even if I lived in my utopia. This is why if I could ever change my life, I would probably choose to live as a chimpanzee - a pure Darwinian struggle, kill or be killed, an existence unmarred by the understanding of the boundaries of living. (Although who knows, maybe the higher-IQ non-human animals think of such stuff, too.)
I am writing this because I consider the depression-less and pain-less suicidal ideation not nearly enough represented on the Internet.
My questions thus are: Was my childhood indeed happy, and am I merely bratty? Do I have a higher-than-average IQ that leads me to see through the lies of life? Or am I just an autistic moron (I never formed connections with my peers, only with my mom and teachers)?
At the same time, maybe this forum is not for me, as you might say, "People have legitimate grievances with life, and here you are, a privileged prick that gets everything handed to you, and yet you are unfulfilled and ungrateful." Mind you, nobody in my life spoke to me like this, this is purely my trying to be fair, not to run into delusions of either grandeur or of inferiority...
When people talk about how bad their childhood was... How bad their life is... I cannot but think that they are more fortunate than me - those who hate their fathers choose to go and live an independent life, have children. Whereas I don't want any of that and don't necessarily want to live (although I don't desire immediate death either). How can I make sense of it?
When I read the stories of people, I feel as if suffering helps them. Do I need to suffer? As a YouTube comedian Jreg once said, "I want to die in a war". Maybe I do not know the boundaries of life, being so sheltered? And yet, I cannot leave the thought that I can never make myself fully embrace life...
This is such a joke. I myself am a militant atheist through and through, and I despise supernatural religion, and yet I feel as if I'm deeply Christian - deeply long for death! Mark Twain and Tolkien's words about how man is but a guest ring true to my soul.
