Because I mostly do it in english, and since my intellectual level isn't good, I'm uncomfortable doing it despite learning the language for so long; I struggle to do it grammatically and coherently with the ideas in my head, to 1:1 through words deliver the message, that when read, would in the mind of the reader paint the image of what I thought without any misconception. I am never able to do that. Especially in speech when I talk, suddenly there's this void and I lack the words, so I search for them, trying to remain regal and simple, this turns into me mumbling — I forget what I wanted to say and the sentences I utter are stupid. I'm too slow to do these two things at once.
I'm disdained by others after that. How do I know? They turn away, or through a semi-answer to what I just said they start a new topic which has nothing to do with what I said and if nothing happened continue talking among themselves.
Its very confusing you know, because you'd say to me well then don't, retard, kys. I wish I could, but that leaves me hurting, as I know I lose part of my dignity by silencing myself and not doing it.
Where dos this lead me to? To poetry. Poets can beautifully express so much, I really appreciate them for that. I sometimes copy them if a combination of words suits one of my opinions, change a word or two, reflect half an hour if my paraphrase makes sense and if it represents what I think, and use it. I feel horrible after that, the satisfaction from finally showing my thoughts as they are, become drowned in bitterness of realization I cannot do so on my own.
At least I don't do that often, low IQ makes me unattracted enough not to read a lot of poetry, but out of necessity and desperation I seldom reach for it. Its more like a chore than casual thing when I do it.
Somewhere out there, somebody who has the same problem as me, and wanting to reply to tell me with noble honesty how much he understands me, while biting his nails, that person will delete every one fucking word and will not post a reply at the end. This turn of events will welt your emotions into one cold fiery torch in the chest that might make you think it will go away with a heavy sigh.
That's fine.
So, the conclusion is that I might as well be mute.
I'm disdained by others after that. How do I know? They turn away, or through a semi-answer to what I just said they start a new topic which has nothing to do with what I said and if nothing happened continue talking among themselves.
Its very confusing you know, because you'd say to me well then don't, retard, kys. I wish I could, but that leaves me hurting, as I know I lose part of my dignity by silencing myself and not doing it.
Where dos this lead me to? To poetry. Poets can beautifully express so much, I really appreciate them for that. I sometimes copy them if a combination of words suits one of my opinions, change a word or two, reflect half an hour if my paraphrase makes sense and if it represents what I think, and use it. I feel horrible after that, the satisfaction from finally showing my thoughts as they are, become drowned in bitterness of realization I cannot do so on my own.
At least I don't do that often, low IQ makes me unattracted enough not to read a lot of poetry, but out of necessity and desperation I seldom reach for it. Its more like a chore than casual thing when I do it.
Somewhere out there, somebody who has the same problem as me, and wanting to reply to tell me with noble honesty how much he understands me, while biting his nails, that person will delete every one fucking word and will not post a reply at the end. This turn of events will welt your emotions into one cold fiery torch in the chest that might make you think it will go away with a heavy sigh.
That's fine.
So, the conclusion is that I might as well be mute.
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