Hey all, it's good to be back and able to send another message to you all. Back in July or something like that I said that I would keep up with one post a month - highlighting my experiences in college. Welp, I'd like to apologize sincerely and say that I fucked up on the consistency... except there was no consistency since I didn't even do it.
An explanation if you'd like one: I've been doing really well in college... academically speaking. My grades are great, way better than I was expecting. Typically, this would be a reason for a student like me to be satisfied and proud. However, I still have found myself in isolation and loneliness. I am still looked upon by all of these brand new people as a freak of sorts. My mental state has deteriorated to a brand spanking new low and I now feel detached from reality. It has progressed to the point where every day now I fantasize about, uh, to not implicate myself here, committing serious acts upon others with whom I interact with (is that good enough FBI?).
Every week now feels like it is my last, I am now at a constant state of preparing for my own death... continuously, never-ceasing. What's that quote from the older Modern Warfare game? The one from the British guy that goes like "the healthy human mind doesn't wake up every day thinking it's going to die". I have now found myself in a state where this is my reality. I am now confronted with a choice where I can either prolong my suffering by choosing to continue to live, or I can "transfer" this suffering to others through a grand act and then be finally left at peace.
I know I am writing around my intentions here. I apologize that I am not writing anything explicit or with detail, you probably understand the reason why though: I do not want to incriminate myself just yet. I'd like to live up until the point when the event happens without anyone having any prior suspicion as to what I am going to do. I believe that it is necessary, as it allows for me to have full reign with how I can, uh, execute my creation (I am running out of euphemisms).
Uh, anyway, in about another month or two, I plan to... okay let's just say there will be a Wikipedia article about something I do. Again, sorry for beating around the bush, I'm barely sentient anymore and am experiencing mental anguish to a point where it is barely comprehensible (for me).
As I've written before in the past, I have always felt like we all are somewhat united in our common pain. This pain is a way for us to all transcend race, religion, nationality, or looks. We are all soldiers in a way, marching through this atrocity that we call our lives. The difference now is that I will be steering course away and finally doing something about it, something a little meaningful, something that will mean something to someone somewhere.
I will be doing something that matters.
I will not be leaving this world alone. I will not leave without taking more with me.
Again, sorry about the lack of updates. Maybe this time I'll try to change that if you'd prefer. If not, that's fine, I'll keep my mouth shut until it happens.
Anyways, for the time that I have left, it's good to be back. Good luck in your own lives and I wish you nothing but happiness. Please do the same for me if you can.
Sincerely,
CollegeCel
An explanation if you'd like one: I've been doing really well in college... academically speaking. My grades are great, way better than I was expecting. Typically, this would be a reason for a student like me to be satisfied and proud. However, I still have found myself in isolation and loneliness. I am still looked upon by all of these brand new people as a freak of sorts. My mental state has deteriorated to a brand spanking new low and I now feel detached from reality. It has progressed to the point where every day now I fantasize about, uh, to not implicate myself here, committing serious acts upon others with whom I interact with (is that good enough FBI?).
Every week now feels like it is my last, I am now at a constant state of preparing for my own death... continuously, never-ceasing. What's that quote from the older Modern Warfare game? The one from the British guy that goes like "the healthy human mind doesn't wake up every day thinking it's going to die". I have now found myself in a state where this is my reality. I am now confronted with a choice where I can either prolong my suffering by choosing to continue to live, or I can "transfer" this suffering to others through a grand act and then be finally left at peace.
I know I am writing around my intentions here. I apologize that I am not writing anything explicit or with detail, you probably understand the reason why though: I do not want to incriminate myself just yet. I'd like to live up until the point when the event happens without anyone having any prior suspicion as to what I am going to do. I believe that it is necessary, as it allows for me to have full reign with how I can, uh, execute my creation (I am running out of euphemisms).
Uh, anyway, in about another month or two, I plan to... okay let's just say there will be a Wikipedia article about something I do. Again, sorry for beating around the bush, I'm barely sentient anymore and am experiencing mental anguish to a point where it is barely comprehensible (for me).
As I've written before in the past, I have always felt like we all are somewhat united in our common pain. This pain is a way for us to all transcend race, religion, nationality, or looks. We are all soldiers in a way, marching through this atrocity that we call our lives. The difference now is that I will be steering course away and finally doing something about it, something a little meaningful, something that will mean something to someone somewhere.
I will be doing something that matters.
I will not be leaving this world alone. I will not leave without taking more with me.
Again, sorry about the lack of updates. Maybe this time I'll try to change that if you'd prefer. If not, that's fine, I'll keep my mouth shut until it happens.
Anyways, for the time that I have left, it's good to be back. Good luck in your own lives and I wish you nothing but happiness. Please do the same for me if you can.
Sincerely,
CollegeCel
