20 yo currycel. I've slowly been coming to terms with the fact that I have no future. College is extraordinarily brutal and everything seems downhill from here.
A lot on here could be used as self doxx, but I don't even care anymore.
Growing up, my parents told me the traditional mantra -- study hard in school and good things will come. I worked my ass off in elementary and middle school. I was the valedictorian of my high school, and competed on the national stage for multiple clubs. None of this means anything since I only got into a mid-tier state college. I guess MIT, Stanford, Duke etc. could handle another Indian. (That's all I am right? Just another book-smart Asian -- not a human being).
I can't think straight anymore. All I can think about is how much of a loser I am. No member of the female sex has expressed interest in me, romantically or non-romantically. I even tried reaching out to a girl who I somewhat knew in high school. After 2 messages of workplace-appropriate conversation (i.e. what are you doing these days? What are your interests?) she drops the entire thing and ghosts me. What's worse is that I'm running out of friends. Everyone is nice on the surface, but they are all bluepilled, shitty excuses for men with 0 life skills or experience. My only good friend and I have grown apart since he went to a different college. In terms of thinking and the complexity of my thoughts, I've caved into my animal instincts. I don't plan ahead anymore. Where I used to nurture a childlike interest in every facet of this complex world, I now crave abstraction and laziness. My grades are slipping and people around me are far surpassing me in and my abilities. Even when I want to do work -- when I know it will do nothing but benefit me, I lose track of time and get nothing done. The race is in its first lap, but i've lost steam and i'm just standing in the middle of the track.
When I was younger and couldn't connect to people, I used to think that I was just in a completely different social bubble than most of these people. I just couldn't relate. But now, I can't even relate to "nerds" because I don't care about childish video games or abstract maths. I realize that I must be a completely different species. An alien. I am completely alone, floating in a void and locked away in a box, condemned to be a soulless office worker for the rest of my days.
Mom, dad -- why did you lie to me? Why did you tell me that good grades would be the key to a great life? Why did you tell me that it didn't matter what the girls at school thought of me? Why did you keep telling me to stop hanging out with those "rednecks" who were my only true friends?
As of right now, I'm pouring all of my life savings (~10k) into gambling on stocks/options/crypto. If my life is going to be miserable, I may as well be miserable on a yacht. If I fail, no big deal. I took a welding class in high school, and it was one of the most liberating things I had experienced. I'll pick it back up and go into manual labor.
Sorry for the rambling post, and >inb4 greycel. I just can't handle it anymore. I always told myself that I'd wait until 26 at the soonest to rope, but the temptation to reschedule it for tomorrow grows with every grinding second.
A lot on here could be used as self doxx, but I don't even care anymore.
Growing up, my parents told me the traditional mantra -- study hard in school and good things will come. I worked my ass off in elementary and middle school. I was the valedictorian of my high school, and competed on the national stage for multiple clubs. None of this means anything since I only got into a mid-tier state college. I guess MIT, Stanford, Duke etc. could handle another Indian. (That's all I am right? Just another book-smart Asian -- not a human being).
I can't think straight anymore. All I can think about is how much of a loser I am. No member of the female sex has expressed interest in me, romantically or non-romantically. I even tried reaching out to a girl who I somewhat knew in high school. After 2 messages of workplace-appropriate conversation (i.e. what are you doing these days? What are your interests?) she drops the entire thing and ghosts me. What's worse is that I'm running out of friends. Everyone is nice on the surface, but they are all bluepilled, shitty excuses for men with 0 life skills or experience. My only good friend and I have grown apart since he went to a different college. In terms of thinking and the complexity of my thoughts, I've caved into my animal instincts. I don't plan ahead anymore. Where I used to nurture a childlike interest in every facet of this complex world, I now crave abstraction and laziness. My grades are slipping and people around me are far surpassing me in and my abilities. Even when I want to do work -- when I know it will do nothing but benefit me, I lose track of time and get nothing done. The race is in its first lap, but i've lost steam and i'm just standing in the middle of the track.
When I was younger and couldn't connect to people, I used to think that I was just in a completely different social bubble than most of these people. I just couldn't relate. But now, I can't even relate to "nerds" because I don't care about childish video games or abstract maths. I realize that I must be a completely different species. An alien. I am completely alone, floating in a void and locked away in a box, condemned to be a soulless office worker for the rest of my days.
Mom, dad -- why did you lie to me? Why did you tell me that good grades would be the key to a great life? Why did you tell me that it didn't matter what the girls at school thought of me? Why did you keep telling me to stop hanging out with those "rednecks" who were my only true friends?
As of right now, I'm pouring all of my life savings (~10k) into gambling on stocks/options/crypto. If my life is going to be miserable, I may as well be miserable on a yacht. If I fail, no big deal. I took a welding class in high school, and it was one of the most liberating things I had experienced. I'll pick it back up and go into manual labor.
Sorry for the rambling post, and >inb4 greycel. I just can't handle it anymore. I always told myself that I'd wait until 26 at the soonest to rope, but the temptation to reschedule it for tomorrow grows with every grinding second.
