I've mentioned before how I don't really feel lonely anymore, yet despite that, some days I just can't help but feeling bad about myself. As in I'll sit around and think about how other people have had so much more life experience than me, or that their feelings, happiness, and lives are somehow more legitimate. I get intrusive thoughts sometimes telling me how pathetic I am, and that I'm more and more of a joke the older I get.
The thing is that these thoughts don't really make any sense, they don't reflect what I actually want. As while I obviously desire sex like anybody else, I don't really want a 3D girlfriend tbh. Or rather, if I do, then for me the potential negatives far outweigh any positives, to the point where there is no contest between the two. I don't like talking to people irl, in fact if it were up to me, I'd never communicate irl again with anyone outside of my immediate family. Basically every interaction with anybody else makes me nervous or upsets me in some way, even if I don't show it. It's like I always say something wrong or embarrass myself, and I just don't enjoy any type of normie socializing at all. I mean the last time I went to a bar, just something simple like that, I had to walk outside because I had a panic attack, I made a complete fool of myself. That's what being in public is like for me, it's about the exact opposite of fun or enjoyable.
This is all so irrational, since even if I achieve whatever part my subconscious wants me to, got a 3D girlfriend, got a decent job(which would require me to be social), I don't think that I'd be happy in that situation. I'm guessing that if I somehow did these things, the thoughts would just morph more into "she doesn't like me anyway", "I can't relate to her", "she is probably going to leave me eventually", "I'm not as important to her as she is to me", and so on. I suspect that the problem here is twofold. On one hand I have societal/cultural expectations, and the feelings of inadequacy aren't entirely unfounded, since other people do have a tendency to look down upon low status men, male virgins, isolated men, and ugly men in general. But on the other hand, I have fucked up thought patterns that will presumably never let me be satisfied when it comes to any sort of relationships with others, to the point where I'm genuinely better off in isolation, by a large margin at that. I'm not even specifically talking about romantic relationships either(obviously since how would I know), the same fucked up thoughts caused me to ghost all the people I used to associate with irl about 6 years ago. While I truly believe that they did treat me different than how they treated each other(possibly could be part of the reason behind my current thoughts), just having some sort of social circle would've given me a chance to meet other people, and at least then I'd have some possible roadmap towards ascension.
I know that this is probably going to be a controversial thread, but these are my honest findings after critically examining my thoughts and feelings. Exercise and various herbal meds seem to help when I'm feeling bad, which further confirms that these are neither projected feelings of loneliness, nor is the issue sexual frustration. I hate my brain tbh, I'm pretty sure that my childhood/adolescent experiences did this to me.
The thing is that these thoughts don't really make any sense, they don't reflect what I actually want. As while I obviously desire sex like anybody else, I don't really want a 3D girlfriend tbh. Or rather, if I do, then for me the potential negatives far outweigh any positives, to the point where there is no contest between the two. I don't like talking to people irl, in fact if it were up to me, I'd never communicate irl again with anyone outside of my immediate family. Basically every interaction with anybody else makes me nervous or upsets me in some way, even if I don't show it. It's like I always say something wrong or embarrass myself, and I just don't enjoy any type of normie socializing at all. I mean the last time I went to a bar, just something simple like that, I had to walk outside because I had a panic attack, I made a complete fool of myself. That's what being in public is like for me, it's about the exact opposite of fun or enjoyable.
This is all so irrational, since even if I achieve whatever part my subconscious wants me to, got a 3D girlfriend, got a decent job(which would require me to be social), I don't think that I'd be happy in that situation. I'm guessing that if I somehow did these things, the thoughts would just morph more into "she doesn't like me anyway", "I can't relate to her", "she is probably going to leave me eventually", "I'm not as important to her as she is to me", and so on. I suspect that the problem here is twofold. On one hand I have societal/cultural expectations, and the feelings of inadequacy aren't entirely unfounded, since other people do have a tendency to look down upon low status men, male virgins, isolated men, and ugly men in general. But on the other hand, I have fucked up thought patterns that will presumably never let me be satisfied when it comes to any sort of relationships with others, to the point where I'm genuinely better off in isolation, by a large margin at that. I'm not even specifically talking about romantic relationships either(obviously since how would I know), the same fucked up thoughts caused me to ghost all the people I used to associate with irl about 6 years ago. While I truly believe that they did treat me different than how they treated each other(possibly could be part of the reason behind my current thoughts), just having some sort of social circle would've given me a chance to meet other people, and at least then I'd have some possible roadmap towards ascension.
I know that this is probably going to be a controversial thread, but these are my honest findings after critically examining my thoughts and feelings. Exercise and various herbal meds seem to help when I'm feeling bad, which further confirms that these are neither projected feelings of loneliness, nor is the issue sexual frustration. I hate my brain tbh, I'm pretty sure that my childhood/adolescent experiences did this to me.
