I never thought I'd be writing these words, I never thought this moment would ever come. Yet, here I am writing my final words. As I child I couldn’t grasp why people committed suicide. It always struck me as strange that someone would want to die. To my childish brain, it wasn't conceivable that life could be horrible to the point where the one would rather die than stay alive. But, as a child, I had a magnificent life. I spent most of my days with my grandma, or at home playing video games and watching TV shows and movies. My life was prefect. I wish I could go back to those blissful times which are now nothing but a piece of memory. Back then, I didn't have to worry about how many women liked me, or about fitting in. Sadly, those days are nothing but a figment of my imagination now.
Life, if I could call it that, is getting worse by the minute. My loneliness is making me physically ill and is starting to interfere with my daily routine. Even going out, an activity that used to fill me with positive energy now only makes me feel more depressed and dejected. I feel so defeated walking all alone while everyone else is having fun. I feel like an outsider who’s only allowed to watch the world without taking part of it. It’s as if there’s a glass wall between me and the world.
For the entire time that I was out my eyes were fixed on the ground and my head was down, everyone around me came across as an NPC to me. They seemed to be living in their own world; a world filled with fun and enjoyment. I on the other hand, was stuck in a world devoid fun and filled with misery and despair. And even though I admire the beauty of the park I was in, I couldn’t help but think how lonely I felt when I saw people experiencing the exact same view but with someone by their side.
As ER used to say “a beautiful environment is the darkest hell if you have to experience it all alone”.
Later when I went home, I felt sick to my stomach, and I needed to vent. So I picked up my phone and recorded myself rant about some irrelevant shit. I listen to that recording at leat 4 times. After that, I broke down in tears. I started questioning my existence on this planet. It has been 25 years so far, and in those years I’ve experienced nothing but loneliness, misery, and depression. Why does it have to be that way I asked myself. I could not answer. I don’t know! It seems like I’m cursed. And you know what’s the worst part about it, I’m not a bad person. I’m a good catch, but no one sees it. My personality is merely a product of my environment. I started out innocent, as we all do. I’ve never hated or treated anyone unfairly. Alas, being kind is conflated with weakness in this world. And the sad part about this is that people around me simply don’t understand what I’m going through. They’re under the impression that all is going well for me. That’s I’m just having a “phase”. I tried venting to no avail. No one fucking listens. They just want to label me as crazy so they could get rid of me. Every time I see humans, I am reminded of how inadequate I am. Seeing humans only makes it clear to me that I’m different than them which means that I am forced to lead a lonely life devoid of pleasure and fun, all because I don’t fit in. My species has rejected me. They made it clear that they don’t want me. I feel like I’m being punished for a crime I did’t commit, but what’s the crime? Being different? Being ugly? Or is it something else? Well, whatever it is, I don’t care anymore. I’m done looking for reasons.
To be frank, I don’t see any difference between prison life and my current living situation. At least in prison there are inmates one could converse with. But here, I have no one other than myself. Still I’d rather be dead than locked up in a prison cell. Hanging out with myself all the time isn’t doing it for me anymore. It used to be fulfilling a few years ago, but it’s ceased to be effective. My sad reality haunts me like a stubborn ghost that refuses to leave an abandoned house. Even in my dreams I’m haunted by my inadequacy and loneliness. At this point, only suicide will put an end to this madness. I really don’t want to die, but if killing myself is what it takes to stop this excruciating pain, then so be it. I don’t give a shit about how my suicide will impact others, I’d be out of here. This world would not be of concern to me anymore. I don’t see any point in studying or advancing in life. It all seems pointless. I’m looking at at least 30 years of this insufferable hell. And that’s a chilling vision that I don’t want to even think about, let alone live.
Asking people for advice is useless as all I get from them is empty platitudes and empty promises that lead nowhere. I don’t want a positive platitude, I want a hug! No one has provided me with any real solution, and I couldn’t come up with one myself. Therefore, all I’m left with is suicide. The death of my brain will put an end to this; it’ll set me free, it’ll make MY pain go away. Sorry, but I can’t take this anymore! I cannot be helped (I've already my mind about this). Thinking that things will change is just a comforting lie that doesn’t do me — or my mental health — any favours. I’m tired of life. There’s only so much I can take before life becomes unbearable, before it becomes a living hell! And sadly, my life has morphed into a living hell! Mental issues are not that much of a problem if one has a support system he could fall back on. I’m not talking about therapy, therapy is useless. I’m talking about a companion or a confidant. Someone that loves me and has my back. The absence of love and support in my life have exacerbated my mental issues. My depression has spiralled out of control over the past few days, there’s nothing I can do to mitigate it.
Finally, I’d like to thank all over you for making my life less lonely. I hope all of you ascend and get what you want in life. I’m going to delete my account since I don’t want anyone having access to my shit when I’m dead. I’ll also swipe my computer clean. It was great ride. Goodbye.
