T
I'm definitely ugly and weird and creepy looking there's no doubt in my mind about that, but my problem goes beyond just being ugly and simply feeling bad about it like I imagine most uglies do, I have quite severe OCD and autism which both make me very perceptive and able to notice the small details
I notice people's body language and facial expressions when they see me, the little micro behaviours they do, crossed arms, tense body language, the facial expressions when they stare at me which has a slight expression of fear, the way service workers are nice and happy to the normal looking guy in front but completely cold and dismissive to me, the way foids wearing revealing shit instantly adjust clothing when they see me, but when there's a chad or HTN around they pull up their leggings and booty shorts up high to show their asses off to him, the way people STARE, that's the worst thing that bothers me the most, people can't help but just fucking STARE at my face, my face seems to genuinely take people aback and startle them, especially young kids, getting disgusted reactions from children is especially brutal because they literally have no biases yet and are seeing the world with very little filter or conditioning, so if they think you're ugly then you're guaranteed fucking ugly
I just notice fucking absolute EVERYTHING, and it's genuinely torture, i still do go outside and go to the gym and stuff because I'd feel like such a pathetic bitch if I stayed inside due to being ugly, but whenever I go outside and get stared at by someone or notice one of the aforementioned micro behaviours, I just go obsess and obsess and fucking obsessed over it all day and night until I eventually cave in and get drunk as fuck because that's the only thing that makes me not care about it for a moment, I can listen to music and just feel woozy and happy for a while, but this obviously can't carry on because it's fucking with my health and making my looks even worse and the negative effects are starting to overshadow the 2 hours of euphoria I get, as soon as the buzz wears off i just feel like pure hell for the rest of the night and day afterwards, racing heart, racing thoughts, sky high anxiety, feeling like I've got the flu, it's just fucking misery but unfortunately getting drunk I think is literally the only thing stopping me from killing myself, because I know i can just get fucked for a while if shit gets too real
I do wanna cut back on the drinking but when I'm sober I just obsess and obsess over the stares I get and how uncomfortable I make people because of my fucked up face and my autism which is quite noticeable to strangers, people frequently speak to me like I have down syndrome, they use the same tone of voice and everything, idk if it's because I look so nervous and autistic or if it's because I actually have a retarded looking face (probably both tbh)
All it takes is for me to notice literally just ONE of those stares or mannerisms and I immediately start spiralling into a violent and hateful thought cascade that would make ER seem like a nice dude, I start getting fucking angry at other people for being so repulsed by me and I start wanting to do absolutely awful stuff to myself because I hate my face so much for causing people to be so disgusted and afraid, but obviously when I get drunk as fuck all this just seems silly and I can finally just be content again
Wtf am I supposed to do guys I seriously can't cope, I don't even actually want to rope, there's so much things I enjoy about being able to see the world through a goofy autistic lens, but I genuinely can't take the pain of seeing how disgusted people are by me anymore
I notice people's body language and facial expressions when they see me, the little micro behaviours they do, crossed arms, tense body language, the facial expressions when they stare at me which has a slight expression of fear, the way service workers are nice and happy to the normal looking guy in front but completely cold and dismissive to me, the way foids wearing revealing shit instantly adjust clothing when they see me, but when there's a chad or HTN around they pull up their leggings and booty shorts up high to show their asses off to him, the way people STARE, that's the worst thing that bothers me the most, people can't help but just fucking STARE at my face, my face seems to genuinely take people aback and startle them, especially young kids, getting disgusted reactions from children is especially brutal because they literally have no biases yet and are seeing the world with very little filter or conditioning, so if they think you're ugly then you're guaranteed fucking ugly
I just notice fucking absolute EVERYTHING, and it's genuinely torture, i still do go outside and go to the gym and stuff because I'd feel like such a pathetic bitch if I stayed inside due to being ugly, but whenever I go outside and get stared at by someone or notice one of the aforementioned micro behaviours, I just go obsess and obsess and fucking obsessed over it all day and night until I eventually cave in and get drunk as fuck because that's the only thing that makes me not care about it for a moment, I can listen to music and just feel woozy and happy for a while, but this obviously can't carry on because it's fucking with my health and making my looks even worse and the negative effects are starting to overshadow the 2 hours of euphoria I get, as soon as the buzz wears off i just feel like pure hell for the rest of the night and day afterwards, racing heart, racing thoughts, sky high anxiety, feeling like I've got the flu, it's just fucking misery but unfortunately getting drunk I think is literally the only thing stopping me from killing myself, because I know i can just get fucked for a while if shit gets too real
I do wanna cut back on the drinking but when I'm sober I just obsess and obsess over the stares I get and how uncomfortable I make people because of my fucked up face and my autism which is quite noticeable to strangers, people frequently speak to me like I have down syndrome, they use the same tone of voice and everything, idk if it's because I look so nervous and autistic or if it's because I actually have a retarded looking face (probably both tbh)
All it takes is for me to notice literally just ONE of those stares or mannerisms and I immediately start spiralling into a violent and hateful thought cascade that would make ER seem like a nice dude, I start getting fucking angry at other people for being so repulsed by me and I start wanting to do absolutely awful stuff to myself because I hate my face so much for causing people to be so disgusted and afraid, but obviously when I get drunk as fuck all this just seems silly and I can finally just be content again
Wtf am I supposed to do guys I seriously can't cope, I don't even actually want to rope, there's so much things I enjoy about being able to see the world through a goofy autistic lens, but I genuinely can't take the pain of seeing how disgusted people are by me anymore
