I get that a lot when I tell people this, but unfortunately it is true.
Sorry to hear that. I'm writing something else right now that is taking a fucking while but if I had to give a short TL;DR.
I would describe being truly happy like this: Things are going your way. You feel secure, you feel proud, you enjoy being looked at and talking to others because you just know that you will impress them and when that really does happen and you get positive feedback from them, be it laughter at your jokes or people seeking your presence or just a conversation that flows smoothly from start to finish, it strenghtens that believe more. You take weird risks and have them paying off. You start to trust your instincts and your own opinion starts to matter more and more to you.
You barely have to think actively, you simply let go and your unfiltered self takes the wheel. Your brain works without hiccups and ideas and funny lines simply come to you by themselfs. When you look into the future you feel excitment and anticipation, you know it's going to be good and that you will perform better than would be expected.
Insecurity is barely a thing anymore. You imagine yourself on a date with your crush and what comes to mind is not fear of being humiliated or all the ways in which you could fuck up but the sound of her laughing, the image of her leaning in towards you and you ... well you don't know what exactly you will do, yet, but you know it will work and you two will end up making out. Probably. If not, that's ok too, you can think of another girl far lower in SMV that you know for sure you can get to like you, if you try. Maybe you console yourself with her should something go wrong with the other girl. Actually, maybe you do that either way.
You'll go bowling / swimming / smoking some hookah with your friends after school. After that, you'll go to a club / are invited to a party / visit some of your friends' friends. There are gonna be some drugs there and some girls. You can feel your heart beating faster and your dick getting harder imaging how easy they will be when they are high.
No matter if you look into the near future, the far away future or the now, you can feel that all of them are and will be good. Great even. Your biggest worries are light annoyances like homework or boring family visits or particularly boring classes. But it's fine, you can usually entertain yourselfs somehow and school really doesn't seem that imporant to you. You will pass with decend grades, maybe even better than decend, if you feel like it. University is gonna be more stressful, but at least on the weekends you know already you will be out exploring the nightlife of w/e city you end up studying in. You're thinking of just doing the same classes as two of your friends, but if that doesn't work you will be fine anyways. Not like you will struggle making new ones.
