blickpall said:
idkwattodowithlife said:
It seems like sometimes procastination gets the best of us. Most of us could be set sailing or breezing through some trivial notions steadily and seemingly like we have complete control over lives. Perhaps, there is something missing from your life? That may ignite the fire or motivation that resides within you to get some of your tasks done, could it be love that you need? I guess when you feel a sense of love, you feel like you have a higher sense of purpose to get through any tasks you want to get through, or stuff thats in your way. However, it is unfair for most incels to be depraved from love. It seems like you've founded a good coping tool for you, that's something I'd have to say about. I think studycelling is probably one of the copes that any incels could be doing and I think its your way of finding peace within yourself. At least, when you die and you had already served your purpose, your death won't be ever for nothing.
Some good thoughts in here for sure. If I had a supportive presence at home to come back to, I certainly would feel better and would be motivated to not spend every free moment in bed. School isn't cope anymore at this point though, school is life. It does help when I am too busy to notice my loneliness, but we both know it's always there.
What you say about purpose though, sadly you are not correct. If I died right now, then I will have effectively wasted decades of my life on a goal that I never obtained. I will never have reached the end point at which I could be of actual use. Sure, I've had friends whose lives I've changed, gave my parents a sense of fulfillment to some degree, etc. but none of these things are what I'd consider the top qualities of a successful life. It's the minuteness of every success on the path of academia that bothers me - no one accomplishment is all that great, it's just a slight upgrade from the previous, barely a blip on the radar. Getting a high mark doesn't even feel good anymore, but getting a bad one, or having the anxiety of possibly getting a bad one, plague you daily. You have massive stores of knowledge but no outlet that manifests itself in any practical, tangible way. It is a never-ending cycle of filling your short term memory with 90% information that you will forget but have a vague recollection of, enough to help you find the specifics later, and being tested on said information. Rinse and repeat for 20 years. Each passing year it becomes harder and harder to swallow. I work as an editor and consultant, and when revising one essay a person sent me, I began injecting my own cynical thoughts into it because I was exhausted and stopped trying to stick to their context/story. I had to delete it, but I did save what I wrote before I did, as it encapsulated what I was thinking so clearly:
"
I began to think of academia as a bone-crushing meat grinder that is fed young carefree souls and regurgitates a homogeneous pile of malleable gunk, ready to be molded by the capitalistic world into uniformed laborers, cracked and hardened by the blast furnace of monotony until retirement or death."
Hmmm, I haven't thought into depth about your situation, and yes its look I'm wrong indeed. Well, would having friends be a betterment for your situation? Sure, I guess. At least, it will make you look forward coming to school or work, and you and your friends enjoy the festive and have fun together. You've certainly done a lot for others in your life and a lot of people would be grateful to have you around as a friend, such a gentlemen you are.
There is probably a bit of pressure in maintain good marks, but I'm sure the weight of your shoulders will come off, as pain temporary is temporary, and reward is eternal (well, sometimes I guess). Most college courses are dependent on memory, yes and I think it'd be better to learn on the spot (in turn apply that knowledge to elsewhere), this way you could have a better hand and grasp of your intuition, perhaps also use it better as well. As you retain more knowledge with intuition than memory alone. Yes, working as an editor, and consultant is stressful, you must be bamboozled with a lot of essays and documents, sometimes you just scratch your head in and want to let go of things. However, i know this won't help that, I think that situation is temporary unless if you're ever going to end up in academia I guess.
There's a lot of politics that surrounds into getting a tenure track position and academia, I think a lot of post graduates don't really end up in academia because a lot of the spaces are limited and if you're going to have to be willing to travel overseas to work at other universities, I guess if you're up for that.
Indari said:
I've seen a lot of your posts, your feeling a lot of pain, but this college thing will be temporary buddy, just hang on.
Happiness isn't well fed into your life, the little bump you have right now is finishing your degree, once you go over that bump, you'll feel a sense of accomplishment, and the weight would be off your shoulders, sure getting the other side may not bright, but will be brighter for sure. I know you have it in you man and you're a smart dude, keep at it, and much love.
