Blackpill Here lies the incel

[Indari]

his life was painful and shitty

 

[ilieknothing]

I did not pick fentanyl because I’m not a nigger

 

[currycel⁰]

I did not pick fentanyl because I’m not a nigger

 

[Intellau_Celistic]

Birth:

Childhood:

When I was a four-year-old, my parents and I lived in a duplex, where my father would hit Mother and damage the walls, resulting in holes near a wooden desk she used for sewing. I recall pouring soap in my eyes at this age to stop them from arguing.

When we moved, my father would regularly come home and argue with Mother over anything he disliked. He broke the windows in our living room as well as the windows in our kitchen, he broke a "Leopard Statue", he broke our kitchen table, he broke plates, he threw Mother's computer and clothes into the garbage bin. He'd regularly pound on Mother's room door(Used for crafts). He'd yell at Mother as he was driving her to work.

My mother, as kind as she may be, used to grab me very forcefully(By the neck, as I was fidgeting with items; I would ache from it) and repeatedly tell me "Do you hear me!?! If people see you doing that, they will think you are men-tally retar-ded!" while shaking me and shaking the item near my eyes. She would tell me how embarrassing it is to have an autistic son who fidgets with items as a form of stimulation. Other times, she would hit me. When I said, "Please don't hit me!" once, she started laughing.

One day, Mother was asked by my father to write a check, which she did. However, he was angry because she was drying off after a shower. This led him to shove her onto the floor(She was naked) and kick her legs repeatedly, which I was present for and saw. He also broke her fingers and cut her knuckles, injured her knees and kicked her abdomen. Our utilities were cut off three times due to failure to pay, and the result was living with my paternal grandparents for weeks at a time. On the day we moved in with my maternal grandparents, me and Mother sat in the dark since my father didn't pay the utility bill("Well, then leave"; he left the house after yelling, which I hid from).

I've never, at any point, asked out a woman. Your criterion does not apply to me for the following reasons:

• I have stuttering issues from ASD and cannot make eye contact because of severe social anxiety
• I am 5'3(120lbs) and get mistaken for a 12-15 y/o adolescent despite being 23
• I have a very feminine voice and often get mistaken for a woman over the phone
• In public, women look at me in disgust and avoid me because my anxious, autistic behavior manifests as avoidance of other people.
• I cannot drive because my form of ASD impairs my visual processing abilities.
• I very rarely leave my apartment since I cannot function in society because of the reasons mention above

Please be more empathetic.

Story One:

I've suffered from Major Depressive Disorder(MDD) and Generalized Anxiety Disorder(GAD) since I was nine or ten. This led to me entering a group therapy program when I was fourteen, where I met a young girl named Shannon.

Shannon was anxious and had social anxiety/depression. However, Shannon was treated fairly well in the program. I, however, I was denigrated by both psychologists and youth. A certain "redhead" psychologist would frequently criticize me because I struggled to make eye contact or speak to other youth. I had to use stress balls to control my anxiety, which made me a source of amusement for the other youth in the group. They whispered and laughed at me, but treated Shannon like a queen.

To shorten the story, I'll say this: We were placed into separate therapy groups due to "unintended problems"(Negatively "influencing" a female of higher status). Years later, she did some "lovely things" to me after volunteering in the psychiatric hospital.

That situation has always bothered me. Anyway, moving on...

You're reminding me of my first stint in group therapy. Youth would nearly always overlook me. Some blatantly insulted me and made statements such as "Intellau, you know no one wants to partner with you. Go over to the table and sit alone", "Tsk"(Directed at me), "No one likes him! He acts like a female! Why do I have to go to the 'Quiet Room'?".

The only exception was when a certain kind youth joined my group. He treated me respectfully and showed concern for my obvious anxiety and social ineptitude; I was his partner for one group assignment, and it went very well.

I have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria from ASD/ADHD. In those days, this was the sort of personality I had:

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My father would often denigrate me for my autistic traits and sometimes hit me. I was a heavily-depressed/anxious "puppet" for Normies to string around. I wasn't even comfortable with asking to go to the bathroom or looking around the therapy room due to fear of criticism.

Ahhhh....yes, I see...

When I was in group therapy, youth would be annoyed by my constant stuttering. One youth, someone I still respect and had spent months with while there, muttered "Thank you" in an annoyed tone when I declined to speak any further. Another simply spoke over me when it was my turn.

Several of the youth there had to be sent to the "Quiet Room" because they would nod off as I was speaking.

Very common. Most male teenagers look at me like I am a young child. My height is between 5'2 - 5'3.

Indeed. In group therapy, a twelve-year-old Black boy towered over me and called me a "short girl". He would snicker and say "Tch" at me during group line-ups. I was 15.

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Next Year:

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From kindergarten to second grade, I had a single friend. He stuttered sometimes, but was initially kind to me. Later, he integrated with the NT kids and left me alone, leaving me friendless. I'd pace the playground alone until the teachers ordered us to line up. After that, I was homeschooled until 8th grade.

Mother placed me in a Jewish program for children. I was too anxious to socialize. I kept my head down while sweating for the two sessions I attended. Then she placed me in group therapy, where I was bullied.

Yes. I have chronic constipation from something called "Anorectal Malformation".

I used to pace the bathroom floor in extreme pain while thinking of group therapy.

 

[Luzifer]

But..but… in Films are alwayshappy endlng i just need to work more on myself

 

[Cope_Time]

 

[Intellau_Celistic]

But..but… in Films are alwayshappy endlng i just need to work more on myself

Story: Two:

I lived in a youth commune for some time. There, I was harassed/bullied by Tyrone and Chadlito. Tyrone took pictures of my naked body(I was in the male bathroom cleaning myself) and started laughing at my child-like appearance and fairly small phallus size with his roommate. He also threw dice at my room door each night and would play loud "rap" music at maximum volume to disturb me.

Chadlito, however, was much more subtle. He would peak into my room and, on occasion, steal my items. He also liked to gossip about me("He's a weirdo", "He's a freak", "He puts food in bags and goes outside to eat alone") and especially loved recording me. This led to him recording me while I was sleeping(I have sexsomnia), which led to the shelter boys/girls laughing at my "sexual speech". Note that the shelter girls had already mocked me previously for my feminine voice and autistic, avoidant behavior.

Because my case manager divulged my ASD diagnosis freely, I was a prime target for bullying and abuse from other youth. Chadlito eventually tried to have me evicted from the commune, which happened after I started staying in my commune room most of the time to avoid being shoved into desks by him(Demonstrating his "machismo" against an innocent aspie).

I've experienced this "firsthand"; a psychiatric nurse said "Hello Su" to me because I was fidgeting with a pencil in my hospital room. This is despite the fact that ASD-related fidgeting was already documented in my mental health history. I am a short ethnic male.

Shannon Rose Bosanac enjoyed three luxurious stays in the same psychiatric hospital. Each time, she was treated like a deity by hospital staff.

And of-course, there was group therapy. I've explained that already

Sadly, Chadlito used this fact to torment me in the youth commune; he and his friends would constantly slam their room doors to startle me. I'd have to block my ears.

He'd go into his room and start speaking Spanish in an extremely cocky tone afterwards(Vile laughter).

He was actually fairly respectful. That adolescent was in group therapy for severe depression and had already attempted suicide twice(Placing a rifle to his head, overdosing on Celexa on his last day of hospitalization).

He helped me pick up our "goal sheets" after I dropped them while handing them out. S.R.B simply sat in her chair and watched as the papers fell near her feet(She also started omitting her name from her goal sheets). More interested in being near tall Chadlite.

He was scheduled to leave Wisconsin within a few weeks to live with his mother in Florida(He was living with grandparents).

Exactly.


In 2016, Shannon's group was filled with several autistic boys. Meanwhile, I was the only autistic child for most of my time in group therapy. My group mates, though, were unaware of this because I rarely said anything about myself to them. I stuttered too much and often had to close my eyes for relief. An autistic boy named "George" doted on Shannon's presence and loved her.

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Due to my status as an outcast, the "group psychologist" sometimes referred to me as "bud" and always greeted me. Sometimes he had to tell me to join the group because I would hide near the coat rackets and anxiously think of how to integrate with the group peacefully.

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Original:

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I was on Seroquel for ASD-related symptoms which the psychiatrists mistook as psychosis. Behavior I now recognize as obsessive-compulsive, "persisting afterimages"(Palinopsia, one of several illnesses I discovered when I searched the Internet in 2012 for answers to my constant floaters and visual sensory problems). I have a yearly phase in which allergies trigger sensory overload, manifesting as constant obsessive thoughts of visually-disturbing distortions of things I've looked at. I have to close my eyes for relief.

Such painful fiction:



Four years later...

Aspie John is walking to the dinner tray rack of the psych ward he currently resides in, when he notices a familiar face: Anxious Jane.

It is customary for volunteers and nurses to hand patients their trays, but Anxious Jane ignores Aspie John. As he prepares to grab his tray, Anxious Jane quickly walks towards him, makes hand-fiddling gestures and says, "What's your name?" in a mocking tone. She then briefly reads his bracelet and grabs his tray, holding it forcefully as he tries to take it from her.

Aspie John steps back and waits for a few moments without saying anything. He then walks up and gently takes the tray from Anxious Jane's hands, thanking her in the process.

She makes hand-fiddling gestures one more time. He responds with "I hope you have a nice day" and walks off.

Exactly. This was evident to me when the male youth living in the same commune as me would walk by my room door each night and mock me with the sexual language I used while sleeping. They also would deliberately slam their room doors as hard as possible to startle me since I have chronic anxiety from autism.

"Damn baby"

"Oh yes"

"Damn sweetie"

"Looks like we've got a mouse in the house"(Chadlito said this because I was isolating myself in my commune room due to embarrassment. I would wrap a belt/blanket around my body to prevent sleep-masturbation.)

"Wow, Intellau didn't go outside to eat today"(Yes, I remained in my room without eating; it was habitual by that point)

Chadlito personally walked by my door and said, "So you don't like women riding?" in a cocky tone, and then went into his room laughing.

Stress only worsened my sexsomnia...

If only he knew the secrets of group therapy. That is, that Shannon was flirting(Which includes chatting with him over text and Facebook) with a tall White male daily and had an autistic boy telling her about fishing. Another autistic boy had an obvious crush on her, similar to the crush non-autistic Marcus had on Shannon three years prior.

("Chris started hitting on Shannon. I had to tell the two of them to cut it out. Like, hey, that's not appropriate.")

The February-March span:

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( )

Still flirting with Chris Merk:

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(I've seen him in person)

Indeed, Shannon wore this for Chris daily:

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(Personal observation; wore this style when I saw her on December 9th, 2015 as well, with glasses)

"She'll be okay"...I'll save it. "Okay" was her base state to begin with. "Love and support" meant poor deluded orbiters like Justus.

Group Psychologist Photo:

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I assumed(Correctly) her personality was like this. That is why I said some lovely things to her at CHW. Perhaps a bit too kind(Definitely).

Quite different from slightly younger D.D. She had the ability to actually feign reciprocity.

Yes.

My maternal half-cousins and half-aunt would chat with my step-grandfather about myself and Mother living elsewhere. (I heard their conversations often)

"She never does any housework" (Objectively false. I have other problems with her, however...)

"They're leeching from us" (I never asked them for food or even clothing. I very rarely spoke to them.)

He would get upset when Mother would ask him to pick up our prescriptions from stores. He'd also get upset when Mother asked to visit grocery stores. This is despite taking my half-relatives to stores/fast food restaurants multiple times weekly. Medical appointments as well(When medical transportation wasn't an option).

My half-aunt's lovely statements:

"[Mother] sits around all day"

"I thought [Mother] said they had no food" (Me and Mother relied on food pantry boxes/SNAP)

"[Intellau] will tell his mother if we bully him" (Maternal half-cousins; they abused my younger half-cousin somewhat since she was reluctant to do so.)

As a child, my half-aunt would patronize me for my autistic behavior. She would criticize my sluggish movements and depressed demeanor. "Hurry up [Intellau]!" - I also had social cue problems and misunderstood instructions from her.

They are kleptomaniacs; they would take portions of our food home after "visiting".

Lastly:

"(I never asked them for food or even clothing. I very rarely spoke to them.)"

Indeed. I was very grateful when my grandmother stopped giving me meals at the age of seventeen due to her view of me as an ingrate. She often said "[Intellau] was born with a silver spoon in his mouth" because I was anxious and struggling to help her with house tasks due to my NLD(I would help them with laundry, unpacking groceries, washing dishes, fetching items they needed, ...).

My step-grandfather would take my half-cousins to get toys and restaurant food tri-weekly. McDonalds, Burger King, Popeyes, Taco Bell, Pick-N-Save, Wal-Mart stores, Meijers...When Mother and I would visit a store, they would become angry if we were shopping for more than four minutes(I offered to enter the store and "fetch" Mother out of discomfort and disgust).

The car broke down and several relatives had to pitch in to provide funds(They all relied on him for transportation). Mother was still, of course, denied transportation.

Yes. When I was a young child, I'd get into arguments with my half-cousins due to their "favoritism". I once criticized my half-cousin after we visited my half-uncle's apartment in downtown Milwaukee. Her mother said this:

"Hey, Intellau!, Well, you know what? You can leave!"

I was licking a battery as she said it.




JFL...Mother asked me to pander to my intellectually-disabled younger half-cousin...His dyslexic Mother is too incompetent to teach him basic knowledge.

They were openly denigrating myself and Mother whenever I'd visit. It was never voluntary.

"Intellau's mother is a leech"

"Intellau's mother is a cow"

"Intellau's mother sits around all day doing nothing" (Except for the cooking, cleaning, spending time with her mother, buying things for her mother...)

"I'll go inside" (Intellau decided to go fetch his mother since he realized how selfish and impatient his half-relatives were)

"Intellau's mother is always sick. Maybe she should stop visiting restaurants"

.

Yes...very unfortunate.

Myself(30X Whole Genome Sequencing):

Mother(Genotyping):

https://www.ahajournals.org/doi/10.1161/CIRCGEN.118.002192
Population Frequency:

Shannon:



Half-relatives were driven to Chicago to visit their maternal relatives. Mother took them to a theatre once. Local restaurants several times with their grandmother's money as well as Mother's. Grocery store trips. Mall trips. Their mother was given shelf/television set/bed set. Some sort of zoo ticket plan. Mother split money for groceries with them.