(((((This all takes place before I was blackpilled)))))
So back before I stopped going to high school, there was this black foid that would always approach me and my friend. (My friend was an actual chad btw) She and my friend were talking at the time, they never did anything, but they did have sexually explicit conversations, and I knew this. She started trying to talk to me, and every time she approached I would sperg out like the socially awkward fuck I am. Eventually one of her friends told me that she "liked" me. This caused a lot of conflict inside, because I knew she was talking sexually to my friend, and for her trying to start talking to me raised major THOT alarms.
I ended up completely avoiding her, and ignoring her when she called my name, because I felt she was trying to cuck me, and I didn't like that. Later on in the year I quit attending high school, because I couldn't fucking stand it. A few months after I stopped going, I was feeling extremely lonely, and I kept thinking about her, because she was one of the only foids to ever give me attention while I was in school. I figured I would try to text her over snapchat, and see what happens. (Keep in mind she and my chad friend stopped talking, because my friend got a serious GF)
I decided to test the waters, so when she posted a selfie to her story, I sent her a message saying "Beautiful", and she replied with "Thanks
" and saved those two messages in the chat. I thought that things were going well so far, so after a couple days I decide to message her. I said "Hey" and asked some sort of basic shit like "How have you been?". It's been awhile so my memory is foggy, but I remember she responded to that normally, but then she decides to ask me "Are you still friends with Chad?". This bitch literally asked me about my friend, while I was trying to talk to her, JFL!!!!
I should've stopped responding right fucking there, but my fucking bluepilled BITCH ASS kept going. I said something along the lines of "Yeah, but we don't hangout much anymore since I quit going to school". The rest of the conversation went normally, in the end she even said "I would like to get to know you better" and that she wanted to call with me.
I was honestly so fucking happy it was pathetic. I remember I was smoking at the time (I used to drugmaxxx to cope) and I completely forgot I was smoking, hell, I even got so happy I forgot I was watching a movie. It legitimately felt like there was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I thought to myself "Maybe I won't be alone forever" "Maybe I'll finally know what it's like to feel loved" "Maybe things are starting to turn around for me" "Maybe I can be happy".
I know it sounds fucking retarded, but that is how I felt, I thought this was a sign that things were looking up for me in life. Oh how wrong I was, how wrong I was... A couple days later I hit her up and said "Hey", and she responded. I was planning on asking her if she wanted to call, so I asked "Wyd". She completely ghosted me, and when I looked back at our chat a few days later, I saw she had unsaved all our previous messages in the chat. That hit me like a ton of bricks. It reminded me that I am unlovable, and that happiness would never exist for me. I felt like such a fucking fool for even getting hopeful in the first place.
I remember the one thing I always wanted in life was to be loved, but that is in the past. Now the only thing I want is to be dead. I can't stop thinking about dying, I think about it more than anything else, about blowing my brains out during a ritual. I know there is nothing truly good for me in this world. I will not kill myself tonight, as there I things I feel I must do before I die, but I am going to go get my pistol, hold it to my head, and enjoy the feeling of the barrel pressed into my temple, fantasizing about pulling the trigger. This is the first time I've told this story and how it made me feel, thanks for reading .co, I don't have anywhere else to vent.
So back before I stopped going to high school, there was this black foid that would always approach me and my friend. (My friend was an actual chad btw) She and my friend were talking at the time, they never did anything, but they did have sexually explicit conversations, and I knew this. She started trying to talk to me, and every time she approached I would sperg out like the socially awkward fuck I am. Eventually one of her friends told me that she "liked" me. This caused a lot of conflict inside, because I knew she was talking sexually to my friend, and for her trying to start talking to me raised major THOT alarms.
I ended up completely avoiding her, and ignoring her when she called my name, because I felt she was trying to cuck me, and I didn't like that. Later on in the year I quit attending high school, because I couldn't fucking stand it. A few months after I stopped going, I was feeling extremely lonely, and I kept thinking about her, because she was one of the only foids to ever give me attention while I was in school. I figured I would try to text her over snapchat, and see what happens. (Keep in mind she and my chad friend stopped talking, because my friend got a serious GF)
I decided to test the waters, so when she posted a selfie to her story, I sent her a message saying "Beautiful", and she replied with "Thanks
" and saved those two messages in the chat. I thought that things were going well so far, so after a couple days I decide to message her. I said "Hey" and asked some sort of basic shit like "How have you been?". It's been awhile so my memory is foggy, but I remember she responded to that normally, but then she decides to ask me "Are you still friends with Chad?". This bitch literally asked me about my friend, while I was trying to talk to her, JFL!!!!I should've stopped responding right fucking there, but my fucking bluepilled BITCH ASS kept going. I said something along the lines of "Yeah, but we don't hangout much anymore since I quit going to school". The rest of the conversation went normally, in the end she even said "I would like to get to know you better" and that she wanted to call with me.
I was honestly so fucking happy it was pathetic. I remember I was smoking at the time (I used to drugmaxxx to cope) and I completely forgot I was smoking, hell, I even got so happy I forgot I was watching a movie. It legitimately felt like there was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I thought to myself "Maybe I won't be alone forever" "Maybe I'll finally know what it's like to feel loved" "Maybe things are starting to turn around for me" "Maybe I can be happy".
I know it sounds fucking retarded, but that is how I felt, I thought this was a sign that things were looking up for me in life. Oh how wrong I was, how wrong I was... A couple days later I hit her up and said "Hey", and she responded. I was planning on asking her if she wanted to call, so I asked "Wyd". She completely ghosted me, and when I looked back at our chat a few days later, I saw she had unsaved all our previous messages in the chat. That hit me like a ton of bricks. It reminded me that I am unlovable, and that happiness would never exist for me. I felt like such a fucking fool for even getting hopeful in the first place.
I remember the one thing I always wanted in life was to be loved, but that is in the past. Now the only thing I want is to be dead. I can't stop thinking about dying, I think about it more than anything else, about blowing my brains out during a ritual. I know there is nothing truly good for me in this world. I will not kill myself tonight, as there I things I feel I must do before I die, but I am going to go get my pistol, hold it to my head, and enjoy the feeling of the barrel pressed into my temple, fantasizing about pulling the trigger. This is the first time I've told this story and how it made me feel, thanks for reading .co, I don't have anywhere else to vent.
