Apart from having no friends, once the classes are over and I'm heading back to my car (it's a long walk) I'll see a couple together. They'll be kissing each other and smiling and laughing and I'm just there watching the interaction unfold, killing me inside, feeling this heavy sadness in my chest knowing that I can't have that. That I don't have the social skills, the looks, nor the will to have a big circle of friends being that I'm an extreme introvert. I've made it an habit that once I get in my car I'll just stay in the parking lot for 30 mins reading posts of people on the verge of suicide, it helps me cope because I can relate.
Today was twice as painful because, for once, I talked a little bit with 2 of my classmates. I'm talking like 3 minutes... Don't get me wrong, from the POV of a normie today would've been an awful day, but for me and my situation it was good, better than every other day that I don't interact with anybody at all, for obvious reasons. So I'm heading back to my car, I see 0 couples, I was feeling decently well, didn't think of reading suicidal posts. I just got in my car and headed out of the parking lot. Once I'm about to reach the exit a couple walks by the last crosswalk there is. It's MY TYPE of girl and a HTN. They're holding hands and smiling, they pass right in front of me so I stop the car, the girl looks over at me (just instinctively) for a second smiling whether for being with her bf or him telling her something, idk. She had a beautiful smile.
It crushed me, the little feel-good I had left fell into the ground and we were back at square 0, like every other day. I just got home and typed this. It's like reality is playing with me, if I had gotten to my car just 10 seconds later I wouldn't have seen them, and she wouldn't have seen me whilst smiling and holding hands with her bf either. We men yearn for this more than money even and for some of us, the battle is lost before it even began. It's saddening to the core.
Today was twice as painful because, for once, I talked a little bit with 2 of my classmates. I'm talking like 3 minutes... Don't get me wrong, from the POV of a normie today would've been an awful day, but for me and my situation it was good, better than every other day that I don't interact with anybody at all, for obvious reasons. So I'm heading back to my car, I see 0 couples, I was feeling decently well, didn't think of reading suicidal posts. I just got in my car and headed out of the parking lot. Once I'm about to reach the exit a couple walks by the last crosswalk there is. It's MY TYPE of girl and a HTN. They're holding hands and smiling, they pass right in front of me so I stop the car, the girl looks over at me (just instinctively) for a second smiling whether for being with her bf or him telling her something, idk. She had a beautiful smile.
It crushed me, the little feel-good I had left fell into the ground and we were back at square 0, like every other day. I just got home and typed this. It's like reality is playing with me, if I had gotten to my car just 10 seconds later I wouldn't have seen them, and she wouldn't have seen me whilst smiling and holding hands with her bf either. We men yearn for this more than money even and for some of us, the battle is lost before it even began. It's saddening to the core.
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