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SuicideFuel Going out has been a suicidefuel for all my life

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SlutLiberationFront

SlutLiberationFront

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When I was in much younger, I didn't have such a bad time in school, people liked me. But sometime around 2006 my mental health started to decline, and once my father passed away, it just went completely downhill. I was very attached to him and I would always insist in going out with him wherever he was going if I was allowed to. I was very depressed, and just wanted to talk to someone after such tragic loss. I started to behave erratically, and out of impulse. I would just try to talk to someone in some moment and the teachers would be very harsh to me. I was getting expelled from the class pretty much everyday. I could not complete the tasks anymore and started to fail at every subject possible, I suddenly was unable to pay attention to anything and learn anything. People started to get tired of me, and hating me. Years later, I only have very few of them added, and they never talked to me. The rest of them, that used to be my friends, never ever searched for me or asked about me again, and I think about them every day. I looked some of them up, and they are all successful people now, with a whole life for themselves. What happened to me? I'm still the suicidal, erratic dude I was when I left that school for the public one. I miss them so much. I don't feel like adding them to talk to them because I know I will be bothering them. If they wanted to talk to me, they would look for me. I was forgotten while I never forgot them.

Every time I would go out I would be so enraged. I would always see people smiling, having a good time, young couples together enjoying each other's company, just people having a good time. It would make me boil with hatred. I was asking myself why I was unable to have any fun at all. The only fun I had was pretty temporary with 2 dudes I studied with. We would just wander a bit after school, eat cookies and stay a bit in the house of the one that lived closer to the school. We would chat, drink water and have some laughs. I was just distracted, the fun would last only a few minutes before my mood would swing to the incredibly bleak state I was always in, even though I was trying my best to hide it and just stay in the moment.
Time went by and I had to quit school because of serious mental health problems, I was very suicidal at the time and just couldn't stand that place anymore. We would not meet anymore, just a few times in a year, until it completely stopped. The last time I saw one of them was in 2016, although I still talk to him online sometimes. The other one, I don't know what happened to him. I heard he got very mentally ill and unstable, and was manipulating his mother taking advantage of her. I didn't go out for myself for years, I had to stop. Seeing people having such a good time every time I was out was too much because I was never able to enjoy. It was always a bleak experience. I would just feel envious of them because they had what I didn't have, a good time, company. I started to absolutely hate everyone for getting to enjoy what I can't. Never liked places with lots of people, I would feel everyone was looking at me. I would feel suffocated, it was overwhelming. Couples pissed me off the most. I don't know why I had to turn out to be such a resentful, bitter person like this. I can't help but hate them. I wanted to delete them from existence. I didn't want to feel like this, but this is how I turned out to be.
 
When I was in much younger, I didn't have such a bad time in school, people liked me. But sometime around 2006 my mental health started to decline, and once my father passed away, it just went completely downhill. I was very attached to him and I would always insist in going out with him wherever he was going if I was allowed to. I was very depressed, and just wanted to talk to someone after such tragic loss. I started to behave erratically, and out of impulse. I would just try to talk to someone in some moment and the teachers would be very harsh to me. I was getting expelled from the class pretty much everyday. I could not complete the tasks anymore and started to fail at every subject possible, I suddenly was unable to pay attention to anything and learn anything. People started to get tired of me, and hating me. Years later, I only have very few of them added, and they never talked to me. The rest of them, that used to be my friends, never ever searched for me or asked about me again, and I think about them every day. I looked some of them up, and they are all successful people now, with a whole life for themselves. What happened to me? I'm still the suicidal, erratic dude I was when I left that school for the public one. I miss them so much. I don't feel like adding them to talk to them because I know I will be bothering them. If they wanted to talk to me, they would look for me. I was forgotten while I never forgot them.

Every time I would go out I would be so enraged. I would always see people smiling, having a good time, young couples together enjoying each other's company, just people having a good time. It would make me boil with hatred. I was asking myself why I was unable to have any fun at all. The only fun I had was pretty temporary with 2 dudes I studied with. We would just wander a bit after school, eat cookies and stay a bit in the house of the one that lived closer to the school. We would chat, drink water and have some laughs. I was just distracted, the fun would last only a few minutes before my mood would swing to the incredibly bleak state I was always in, even though I was trying my best to hide it and just stay in the moment.
Time went by and I had to quit school because of serious mental health problems, I was very suicidal at the time and just couldn't stand that place anymore. We would not meet anymore, just a few times in a year, until it completely stopped. The last time I saw one of them was in 2016, although I still talk to him online sometimes. The other one, I don't know what happened to him. I heard he got very mentally ill and unstable, and was manipulating his mother taking advantage of her. I didn't go out for myself for years, I had to stop. Seeing people having such a good time every time I was out was too much because I was never able to enjoy. It was always a bleak experience. I would just feel envious of them because they had what I didn't have, a good time, company. I started to absolutely hate everyone for getting to enjoy what I can't. Never liked places with lots of people, I would feel everyone was looking at me. I would feel suffocated, it was overwhelming. Couples pissed me off the most. I don't know why I had to turn out to be such a resentful, bitter person like this. I can't help but hate them. I wanted to delete them from existence. I didn't want to feel like this, but this is how I turned out to be.
It makes sense to feel angry and bitter, when you're constantly reminded of all the best things life has to offer, knowing you have never had that, and probably never will. This situation is an endless loop of hell. All you can do is try and cope as best as you can bro.

We are the unwanted, the freaks, those who have been cast aside.
 
Its s cruel world Out there.

You Either are the Shit or a Woman , Else your fucked and end up coping hard
 
Have you considered escortcelling?
 

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