L
Even if you recognise what your problems are as an autistic male (socially speaking) it doesn't mean that you can change it.
I know about my bad posture, my off voice, my speech problems and my lacking eye contact. I know that I recoil when other people invade my personal sphere and I know about my shitty compulsions. But it's not like I am able to do something about them. Seeing that and how it affects others is obvious when you are remotely self-aware, changing it is however nearly impossible because body language/facial gestures/etc. CANNOT be changed because most of it isn't even under volitional control. It's like a doctor who diagnoses a terminal illness like a cancer in the pancreas - he knows everything about the problem, but he still cannot fix the patient or do something about it which makes that knowledge useless if not outright torturous. Prinicipially he (theoretically) knows what is wrong, but being aware of it and being able to change it are two different things. I know about all problems in my life, but I am unable to fix them.
And I am not going to "therapy" or autist meet-ups again - this doesn't/didn't help me in the slightest. "Feel good about it" - no, why should I? Thanks to that disease I never had a normal childhood, never had a relationship, was bullied (even before developing contemptous thoughts about others), have trouble finding real work despite good grades in school/university, etc. I would give anything to be normal. I am tired of the misunderstandings and I am tired to be tolerated at best in work/in social groups.
Doing sports with autistic people in these groups under the control of a doctor does nothing helpful for me and is a waste of my temporal ressources. And medication also doesn't exist. And fuck women and men with less severe symptoms who tell me otherwise - I am not interested in your success stories because I talk from my own life experience which was the complete opposite of that: I talk about my childhood where it was a fight to be accepted in a normal school and I talk about how the parents lifted their kids away from me as soon as I was out, even if I was a savant or someone extremely talented (which I am not) these events would have scarred me deeply on an emotional level. I am not interested in your whitewashing, I want to be normal. For me it is a curse and I wish I wasn't born with it.
Social practice does only do minimal things for improving your situation. It's like a child that doesn't really understand math and that tries to learn every former question by hard to pass an exam. When the teacher asks exactly the same questions he will pass, but due to the lack of true understanding every new task will throw him out of balance and he has to start all over again because he cannot extrapolate from his existing knowledge (he doesn't have the compass of true understanding that would otherwise allow him to navigate through the questions out of sheer instinct and common sense) - in the end only the results matter and when the results just aren't there (despite your best attempts) it's still a failure.
I know about my bad posture, my off voice, my speech problems and my lacking eye contact. I know that I recoil when other people invade my personal sphere and I know about my shitty compulsions. But it's not like I am able to do something about them. Seeing that and how it affects others is obvious when you are remotely self-aware, changing it is however nearly impossible because body language/facial gestures/etc. CANNOT be changed because most of it isn't even under volitional control. It's like a doctor who diagnoses a terminal illness like a cancer in the pancreas - he knows everything about the problem, but he still cannot fix the patient or do something about it which makes that knowledge useless if not outright torturous. Prinicipially he (theoretically) knows what is wrong, but being aware of it and being able to change it are two different things. I know about all problems in my life, but I am unable to fix them.
And I am not going to "therapy" or autist meet-ups again - this doesn't/didn't help me in the slightest. "Feel good about it" - no, why should I? Thanks to that disease I never had a normal childhood, never had a relationship, was bullied (even before developing contemptous thoughts about others), have trouble finding real work despite good grades in school/university, etc. I would give anything to be normal. I am tired of the misunderstandings and I am tired to be tolerated at best in work/in social groups.
Doing sports with autistic people in these groups under the control of a doctor does nothing helpful for me and is a waste of my temporal ressources. And medication also doesn't exist. And fuck women and men with less severe symptoms who tell me otherwise - I am not interested in your success stories because I talk from my own life experience which was the complete opposite of that: I talk about my childhood where it was a fight to be accepted in a normal school and I talk about how the parents lifted their kids away from me as soon as I was out, even if I was a savant or someone extremely talented (which I am not) these events would have scarred me deeply on an emotional level. I am not interested in your whitewashing, I want to be normal. For me it is a curse and I wish I wasn't born with it.
Social practice does only do minimal things for improving your situation. It's like a child that doesn't really understand math and that tries to learn every former question by hard to pass an exam. When the teacher asks exactly the same questions he will pass, but due to the lack of true understanding every new task will throw him out of balance and he has to start all over again because he cannot extrapolate from his existing knowledge (he doesn't have the compass of true understanding that would otherwise allow him to navigate through the questions out of sheer instinct and common sense) - in the end only the results matter and when the results just aren't there (despite your best attempts) it's still a failure.
