Is this another genetic thing that's fucks you over? I'm convinced I have naturally low dopamine receptors or whatever. The only time I'm cured completely is when I take a hard stim that floods dopamine erasing everything. No more anxiety/depression/unmotivated/etc. it's a taste of what It's like to be a normal person minus the high ass euphoria. In order to get close to this naturally, I have to: no fap, lift weights, cold shower, etc.. Even then I still have all the negative shit often just not 24/7. So much fucking work with hardly equal results while many others don't have to do anything. It pisses me off, but such is life. I decided to just say fuck it and let the misery consume me. It's painful and I doubt I'll go crazy or do something, but everyone has the possibility of cracking when your brain can no longer cope/adapt.
I can't find anything to keep me entertained. I have acces to any video game, manga, etc.. have a lot of money and bought a lot of shit, but nothing does it. All I do is sleep and visits sites like this to wallow in self pity. After overdosing on a stim which should have killed me making me unable to take stims again, The only solace I have in life is sleeping 12+ hours a day because I sometimes dream and for those few minutes I have no negative feelings. Sleeping itself is fine but it fast forwards life and the future only holds even more misery
Trapped wanting to die, but the built in desire we have to live in all of us keeps me alive. There is no getting free this ride.
