I joined the
FPMTin 2008, and in 2010 i was a "radical" buddhist. I left between 2014-2015. Ask me whatever you want about Tibetan Buddhism or the FPMT, about the conflict between this sect and the New Kadampa , about the failed reincarnation of the founder of FPMT, an spanish guy called Osel Hita, about any kind of meditation or buddhist or tibetan practice, costume, habit, culture...
Im a former buddist, and i wanted to became a western tibetan monk like matthew ricard or my spanish lama, so i had to meditate at least 4 hours per day. During that time i litteraly worshipped the Dalai Lama (because tibetana think he is the reincarnation of avalokiteshvara, a well known buddha) and Lama Yeshe and Lama Zopa (founders of my sect , the FPMH).
During those for hours of meditatiom i did tons of stuff: postrations, recitation of texts, mantras, prayers... Visualization of Yidams, tons of them. And, of course, focusing con body sensations, ideas, feelings, sounds... Monks usually meditate more than that (4 times a day) but i could not do that in college.
It took me years to learn some "meditation" practices like purification. You have you visualize something complex, while feeling something complex and hard, while repeating the 100 syllabe mantra. It can take 45 mins , you need at least 108 recitations.
Idk.
I guess it can be hard to imagine the actual levels of cope i needed before becoming a cynic. I thought that being an KHHV incel was awesome, because it meant that i created the best kind of karma in some past life, the karma of wanting to become a monk to reach enlightment in this same life and having the perfect circunstances to do so (friendless, incel, no job, no real family...). I felt like Lama Tsong Khapa or Milarep, Tibetan saints that knew about buddhism in the same reincarnation they reached enlightment. I went to a spiritual retreat/seclusion to taste the life of a monk for some weeks, because i wanted to be sure. Anyway...
Just ask if you think im not a former buddhist and i almost became a western (spanish) buddhism monk.
That's a million times better than wasting your time with useless activities, even if you enjoy them. These activities are forgotten immediately after you do them, they have zero uses, so that disciplined lifestyle of yours, even if it was hard, was at least better than anything else you might be doing right now.
It had pros and cons.
I could barely think about my life, my loneliness, my depression, my sexual urges... ive never been less myself, and that was awesome ngl. Just doing what an average monk does makes you feel worth. You are reaching enlightment and there is not time to lose, every second is precious and all that stuff... so when you are repeating the same mantra over and over and over and over, while imagining all those indian deities doing so many compassionate things and you are feeling this or that while all this is happening... its like a cozy film in your head repeated until you even dream about it.
But all youre doing is delusional. There is no enlightment. Imaginin buddhas and repeating mantras while feeling like one is not a way to eternal happines but auto-brainwashing and complete waste of time. Also, when you have to litteraly never think about sex or anything that is not related to getting good karma, the sexual frustration, at least for me, its fucking oceanic. I felt guilty for anything related to having fun also, so i could not even try to think about my problems.
