SuicideFuel Apathy and Anhedonia

[TheGoodGuy]

TLDR; I have for 5 years been apathetic and have anhedonia so I don´t feel any emotion not happiness, sadness, not even excitement or pleasure, every day feels like the same over and over year after year I have no freinds, no hobbies, or passions because of the said apathy and anhedonia life is so boring

Anyone else experience this? After my depression went away at 20½ years old I started to become more apathetic and also developed anhedonia I have for the last 5 years not been able to feel any emotions I don´t feel happy, sad, not even excitement, I find no joy or pleasure in doing anything even sexual pleasure such as masturbation feels so boring like the penis has 4000 nerves but it feels as if I only have maybe 50 nerves left and my testosterone levels are normal and can get an erection no problem it´s just I am so apathetic towards the feeling of sexual stimulation.

And the same for everything else, EVERYTHING is boring I don´t even enjoy video games anymore and I have games since I was a child playing PS1, PS2, Nintendo Gameboy Color and PC everything just sucks now. I don´t have depression I used to have that from 14-20½ so I know how that feels and with depression I used to truly FEEL everything so intense especially the sadness now I don´t feel anything.

Also every day is the same I go to bed and wake up the same time every day and eat the same food almost every day because my allergies and throat problem, I can´t cope with drugs because of my allergies and because my brain is weird so drugs don´t work properly I just get anxiety from them, I used to be able to smoke a ton of weed in my teens although because of my pollen allergies it made it even harder for me to eat and when I tried it some months ago I just got anxiety.

Time also go so fast! I made a vlog which felt like only 2 days ago but found out it was 13 days the last year has felt like maybe a couple months at most. Every day is the same I don´t feel any emotions I don´t have any friends the last time I "hung out with a friend" was a year ago and that was when I lived with my brother so I saw some "friends" when they visited him the only people I "hang out with" is my family at birthdays, Christmas or New Years Eve.

Life used to be a wonderful adventure full of so much fun and/or excitement even in my teens where life was horrible because depression but life was still exciting and I had friends and could use some drugs e.g. Cannabis and have a good time.

I really hope at least 1 person feel the same way because no one else will be able to understand many will ignorantly say that I suffer from depression but again I used to have depression and this is nothing like it I actually wish I had depression still because it was an amazing drive to rope because of all the emotions but now I just don´t feel anything it´s like I am an empty shell of the person I once was.

 

[Gyros_Pretcel]

Aren't those typical symptoms of late stage depression though?

Pretty much in the same boat. Also for around five years.

To bad it didn't affect my anxieties though...

Also have brainfog, fatigue, disassociation, derealization and depersonalization.

Best is my social worker (glad I got rid of him) basically told me for every problem or task I encountered "just do it it, bro".
No shit sherlock. That's what I would do if I could.

 

[Sino-ricecel]

If you are uhappy with your current situation, and don't see hope in the future being better, suicide is the optimal solution. Atleast you have an easy way out .

 

[tulasdanslos]

That's unfortunate. I'm 22 and I haven't reached this point yet. But I know I will, 5 days ago I felt like this but my depression won out in the end. I wish you luck dude.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Also have brainfog, fatigue, disassociation, derealization

I also suffer from these but when I have tried to research it, it looks way more like apathy and anhedonia try and search the difference between depression and apathy they are really close but not quite. I really hate when people say "it´s depression" because I had depression for 6 years and I know what that felt like, crying all the time doing the day, feeling insanely inferior and small with low self-esteem and the intense feeling of sadness I actually miss that, when I had depression I could also feel a lot of nostalgia especially on beautiful days when I went on a walk I can´t feel that now I can´t feel anything.

 

[Deleted member 19457]

Me too brother, me too. I feel absolutely nothing inside. I breathe, walk, eat, shit, and sleep. But there is just emptiness inside.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

If you are uhappy with your current situation, and don't see hope in the future being better, suicide is the optimal solution. Atleast you have an easy way out .

Nice hearing from you I thought you left the site.

The thing is as I mentioned when I had depression I had such a drive to do it because of all the emotions now there is nothing that drives me no extreme sadness or teenage hormones just nothing.

Me too brother, me too. I feel absolutely nothing inside. I breathe, walk, eat, shit, and sleep. But there is just emptiness inside.

This is a short but pretty good description of it, like now it´s almost time for my 3rd meal a day and it´s 11:46pm but it feels like it just happened and in a few hours I will be going to bed, get up and the same routine starts over.

Every day is just a copy paste of the day before and it has been like this for years and it sucks so much even my memory is fading away like some form of dementia, all my happy memories from my teenage years is so vague now and even at 19 I could still feel the nostalgia when thinking of a memory from years ago and remember it vividly now I can´t remember shit only small glances of some happy memories.

 

[Gyros_Pretcel]

I also suffer from these but when I have tried to research it, it looks way more like apathy and anhedonia try and search the difference between depression and apathy they are really close but not quite. I really hate when people say "it´s depression" because I had depression for 6 years and I know what that felt like, crying all the time doing the day, feeling insanely inferior and small with low self-esteem and the intense feeling of sadness I actually miss that, when I had depression I could also feel a lot of nostalgia especially on beautiful days when I went on a walk I can´t feel that now I can´t feel anything.

How do you know the symptoms didn't simply change over time and that it is still depression? I don't know where I read that, but it seems not uncommon.

Did you have a break between this condition and the depression?

I mostly feel numb like you these days, but sometimes the clarity and more typical "depression" symptoms come back for a short time (some hours).

Sometimes I wonder if this all has to do with some kind of physical overstimulation. How high is your physical pain level?

 

[Nothingness]

 

[TheGoodGuy]

How do you know the symptoms didn't simply change over time and that it is still depression? I don't know where I read that, but it seems not uncommon.

Did you have a break between this condition and the depression?

I mostly feel numb like you these days, but sometimes the clarity and more typical "depression" symptoms come back for a short time (some hours).

Sometimes I wonder if this all has to do with some kind of physical overstimulation. How high is your physical pain level?

I wouldn´t say I had a break or maybe I did? After my depression went away I felt just nothing for a couple years but the brainfog and anhedonia first developed later.

And my physical level is pretty normal I think I haven´t noticed any changes.

I was sure it was just a shitpost but that clip was surprisingly accurate to how I feel.

 

[Schizoidcel]

everything just sucks now.

Time also go so fast

 

[KaizenYagi]

I have felt this way a few times in my life. You just get burned out. I think it is a matter of emotional exhaustion, and regularity coupled with a lack of novelty. Plus feeling like there is no hope for change becomes greater when you mindlessly go through the same motions every day, and see no end to it. Don't listen to the roping advice. I know everyone is like gymcelling is just cope here, but the neurochemical benefits of exercise are quite helpful. Look into HIIT or High Intensity Interval Training. Once you get to a certain level of fitness, and start doing HIIT, you can start pushing yourself to exhaustion. Done a bit of research, and experienced it myself, but pushing yourself hard like that can set off a survival cry from your body that is hormonal, and change a lot of things. Your brain state will get a chemical boost beyond plain runner's high. Then you will start experiencing life more noticeably then. Also the challenge, and intensity, even the physical pain in a masochistic sense once you get used to it is gratifying, and the testosterone boost will help you feel more things, and better. Also look up Whim Hoff. You don't got to be crazy like him, but cold showers do kick in mass testosterone, once again I think a body survival cry due to it thinking of adverse environmental stimulus. I took cold showers for over a year, and your T elevates, and it makes you all around feel better.

The other thing is get out of your world. You are probably stagnant in terms of your mental terrain due to the sadness, past depression, habitual copes, etc. Try to learn about someone else's life like through biographies or movies, someone with a radically different experience from you. This has always helped to reset emotionally somewhat, and bring the color back to life. If all you see are your problems, mundane chores, and copes day in, and day out things can get bland to the point of not being worth feeling. Trust me it will come back sooner or later, you just need to shock out of your current state of grey. Once there, you can find something worth experiencing to keep the flame alive.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

I have felt this way a few times in my life. You just get burned out. I think it is a matter of emotional exhaustion, and regularity coupled with a lack of novelty. Plus feeling like there is no hope for change becomes greater when you mindlessly go through the same motions every day, and see no end to it. Don't listen to the roping advice. I know everyone is like gymcelling is just cope here, but the neurochemical benefits of exercise are quite helpful. Look into HIIT or High Intensity Interval Training. Once you get to a certain level of fitness, and start doing HIIT, you can start pushing yourself to exhaustion. Done a bit of research, and experienced it myself, but pushing yourself hard like that can set off a survival cry from your body that is hormonal, and change a lot of things. Your brain state will get a chemical boost beyond plain runner's high. Then you will start experiencing life more noticeably then. Also the challenge, and intensity, even the physical pain in a masochistic sense once you get used to it is gratifying, and the testosterone boost will help you feel more things, and better. Also look up Whim Hoff. You don't got to be crazy like him, but cold showers do kick in mass testosterone, once again I think a body survival cry due to it thinking of adverse environmental stimulus. I took cold showers for over a year, and your T elevates, and it makes you all around feel better.

The other thing is get out of your world. You are probably stagnant in terms of your mental terrain due to the sadness, past depression, habitual copes, etc. Try to learn about someone else's life like through biographies or movies, someone with a radically different experience from you. This has always helped to reset emotionally somewhat, and bring the color back to life. If all you see are your problems, mundane chores, and copes day in, and day out things can get bland to the point of not being worth feeling. Trust me it will come back sooner or later, you just need to shock out of your current state of grey. Once there, you can find something worth experiencing to keep the flame alive.

Damn this just seem like the typical pro-life response.

I have the worst health on this forum, my 82 year old grandpa has better health than me (not exaggerating) here is a list of the few things I suffer from and these are just the physical.

Colorblind
Acid Reflux
Scoliosis
Back injury (so I can never bodybuild again)
Psoriasis
Allergic to almost every food and every thing
Throat problem being my worst confining me to my apartment because it takes me ages to eat.

I might have forgotten something I suffer from so many things it´s hard to remember them all. And for the workout yes it helps a lot but I can´t workout because of a back injury that I will have for life and doctors can´t do shit about it, and I tried HIIT cardio even after my back injury but my back hurts after 15 minutes of running. I might try the cold showers although I like how hot showers help my anxiety so I can relax where as cold water is a stimulant for the body, But I will try it since it´s been a couple years since I last did and back then I remember a cold shower in the morning made me feel fresh.

 

[mcfroggy]

Damn this just seem like the typical pro-life response.

I have the worst health on this forum, my 82 year old grandpa has better health than me (not exaggerating) here is a list of the few things I suffer from and these are just the physical.

Colorblind
Acid Reflux
Scoliosis
Back injury (so I can never bodybuild again)
Psoriasis
Allergic to almost every food and every thing
Throat problem being my worst confining me to my apartment because it takes me ages to eat.

I might have forgotten something I suffer from so many things it´s hard to remember them all. And for the workout yes it helps a lot but I can´t workout because of a back injury that I will have for life and doctors can´t do shit about it, and I tried HIIT cardio even after my back injury but my back hurts after 15 minutes of running. I might try the cold showers although I like how hot showers help my anxiety so I can relax where as cold water is a stimulant for the body, But I will try it since it´s been a couple years since I last did and back then I remember a cold shower in the morning made me feel fresh.

Healthcel are trucel. I have a hip injury in my early 20s from working out improperly. Family still rags on me for being fat though

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Healthcel are trucel. I have a hip injury in my early 20s from working out improperly. Family still rags on me for being fat though

It´s hell not having a normal functioning body like everyone else and that is why I envy everyone because they can cope with stuff I can´t because of my defect body.

 

[KaizenYagi]

Damn this just seem like the typical pro-life response.

I have the worst health on this forum, my 82 year old grandpa has better health than me (not exaggerating) here is a list of the few things I suffer from and these are just the physical.

Colorblind
Acid Reflux
Scoliosis
Back injury (so I can never bodybuild again)
Psoriasis
Allergic to almost every food and every thing
Throat problem being my worst confining me to my apartment because it takes me ages to eat.

I might have forgotten something I suffer from so many things it´s hard to remember them all. And for the workout yes it helps a lot but I can´t workout because of a back injury that I will have for life and doctors can´t do shit about it, and I tried HIIT cardio even after my back injury but my back hurts after 15 minutes of running. I might try the cold showers although I like how hot showers help my anxiety so I can relax where as cold water is a stimulant for the body, But I will try it since it´s been a couple years since I last did and back then I remember a cold shower in the morning made me feel fresh.

I'm sorry to hear that bro. The cold showers can be difficult though. It took me like 2 weeks to get used to it. After a while it was refreshing. It also helped with discipline because slowly exposing yourself to the water eventually turned into a just do it it's not a big deal attitude. I know it would be a totally frustrating thing, but there was a dude, I think Norman Doidge who wrote a book on neuroplasticity called the "Brains Way of Healing". May not be the right one, but whichever book it was mentioned that our brains are multi purpose in that specific brain regions have overlap with multiple functions. So the MD that wrote the book, I hope it is the right one I'm remembering was able to use mylenation (Reinforcing neural pathways) by focusing on things other than the pain when he experienced it. I hope something like that can help. He had a broken neck, but effectively brought his chronic pain down to a manageable level. I promise I'm not trying to be obnoxiously insensitive to your situation. I also have had arthritis of the neck for approx 20 years, and my knees were thrashed. After 2 years of supplements, and experimentation, the knees are to the point where they seem mostly healed. For two weeks at the worst though I could barely get up off of my futon, on the floor, it took like 2 minutes, and walked like an old man. Anyways, just trying to convey that although my issues are not as severe as yours I can somewhat identify with the chronic pain issue, and I hope you can get better soon enough inspite of the challenges.

 

[Emba]

I have QuickTime. Whereas the days fly by. But I feel.