Monday:
Lost the tremolo arm for my jaguar, I have to clean a room filled with empty beer cans, wine bottles, and dirty clothes to find it.
OD'd in front of my dad. I had no sleep the night before and we were fucking with speakers and amps. I was still high from a mix of different opiates, research chemicals that are supposed to mimic ludes, and kratom. I also had rum sloshing around in my empty stomach and I was smoking a lot of tobacco and weed before I went over there. Something mixed around in my system and I just got a second wave buzz out of nowhere and feel out of the chair and hit the ground hard right on my occipital bone. I felt nothing and there was no damage. I was out cold for a few minutes. I got up and was dizzy as fuck. I didn't get hurt because since I am so ugly, I always have several layers of head clothing plus a hood up most of the time so it acted kind of like an arming cap. My dad was freaking out like a little bitch. He almost called the ambulance but luckily he forgot where he put his phone and by the time he found it I had sat back up already. He still wanted to call the ambulance but I told him I'd shoot it out with the cops if the ambulance came. He overreacted and started telling me about people he saw OD and shit back in the 70's. I just told him I wouldn't fuck with fake ludes anymore. I think the research chemicals are what did it because I mix opiates and alcohol all the time and have no problems. Next time I'll just get some real Mandrakes instead from Mexico.
The good news is that my Orange valve head sounded great through a 2x12 with greenbacks. It took pedals well, the Big Muff and Tube Screamer were really badass through it. The dirty channel is good for chugging but I prefer to run it with my pedal board through the clean channel and use the FX loop for chorus/verb/delay/leslie pedal... My wah is fucked so I need to take it back and get a refund. I got home and started trying to learn a King's X song without drop tuning.
Tuesday:
I woke up after several days of near sleeplessness and felt a sudden rage about my face and how impossible it is for things to get better and I headbutted a hole in the wall next to my bed and I got drywall chunks in a scrape on my ear because I went through the drywall and bashed into the bricks.
My dad is still freaked out and called my house and told me to go to therapy or get check out at the hospital, it was annoying because I was trying to have a fap and he called and ruined it.
I broke a string on my Persian setar, but I put a new one on. It's hard to keep in tune because of the primitive tuning pegs and they fucking move. I might put some wax in the tuning peg holes or something. I can kind of sound like Anton Newcombe when I play it now, the frets are made of sinew or something and are placed in a way that makes you kind of start to figure it out as you go.
Wednesday:
I was raping my sex doll and I got so into it that I accidentally knocked her over and she landed buttcheek first into my ashtray and not only did I spill ashes all over my floor but she now has a faint stain on her ass that wouldn't go away no matter how much I washed it. I think I'll just cover it up with a temporary tattoo, which is permanent on sex doll skin.
Thursday:
I checked on my mom like I do every morning and she was having cognitive issues again. I can't tell if she took too many muscle relaxers or if it is some symptom of the "JC virus' that some MS patients get from IV MS treatment, it might even be because she hasn't had a treatment for a while because of the coronavirus fucking up doctors visits for people and she is overdue for one. When she gets like this I can't tell if she can understand what I am saying or not, she usually just replies with "NO" whenever I ask her something. She wouldn't eat this morning and still hasn't. I gave her some water and asked her if she took too many muscle relaxers but she can't really think or talk right now. To make matters worse, she is so obese and bedridden that she is always naked, which is absolutely disgusting and just seeing her makes me want to blow my brains out. Like, normal people with non disfigured faces spent their teens and twenties having friends and sex and making happy memories. My entire life is a bad memory. I came in again and she had fallen down and climbed back into bed without me knowing and she knocked down her dresser and lamp in the process so her room is fucked up. She fucked up the sheets of her bed and I found her laying in her own shit and piss and she still cannot understand words or speak correctly. I cannot even clean up the shit and piss because she is laying in it and cannot move. I have no idea how I am going to clean that out of her mattress and make the smell go away. This happens often and she usually gets back to her senses eventually but she needs to hurry up so she can eat and take her diabetes shit. I can't call an ambulance because, America doesn't have an NHS so calling an ambulance would mean getting evicted because that's several thousand dollars, plus she is high risk for covid and would die from it if she caught it at a hospital. I'm just going to wait an hour to see if she gets better and can eat. I was supposed to rearrange my room today but now I have to deal with this shit.
I don't even get paid by medicaid or anything in exchange for taking care of her and cleaning up her shit and piss. I can't get a job to save up for surgerymaxxing because I cannot leave her alone in the house for 8 hours a day to hurt herself and fuck shit up in a daze. Every time I look at her it's just a reminder of how shitty and worthless my life is and how catching the bus is not an "if" but a "when" and I'd be coping if I said it's not something I will be forced to do soon. I was planning on disappearing for my sallekhana journey on Nowruz but I might have to do it soon if her health gets worse and I get tired of dealing with it or if her expenses lead us to eviction.
There is absolutely no hope for me. Why doesn't the government just take me away to a euthanasia center? I deserve to die if my life is this pathetic. I don't even have enough drugs to deal with it tonight so I'm going to get drunk as fuck.
Lost the tremolo arm for my jaguar, I have to clean a room filled with empty beer cans, wine bottles, and dirty clothes to find it.
OD'd in front of my dad. I had no sleep the night before and we were fucking with speakers and amps. I was still high from a mix of different opiates, research chemicals that are supposed to mimic ludes, and kratom. I also had rum sloshing around in my empty stomach and I was smoking a lot of tobacco and weed before I went over there. Something mixed around in my system and I just got a second wave buzz out of nowhere and feel out of the chair and hit the ground hard right on my occipital bone. I felt nothing and there was no damage. I was out cold for a few minutes. I got up and was dizzy as fuck. I didn't get hurt because since I am so ugly, I always have several layers of head clothing plus a hood up most of the time so it acted kind of like an arming cap. My dad was freaking out like a little bitch. He almost called the ambulance but luckily he forgot where he put his phone and by the time he found it I had sat back up already. He still wanted to call the ambulance but I told him I'd shoot it out with the cops if the ambulance came. He overreacted and started telling me about people he saw OD and shit back in the 70's. I just told him I wouldn't fuck with fake ludes anymore. I think the research chemicals are what did it because I mix opiates and alcohol all the time and have no problems. Next time I'll just get some real Mandrakes instead from Mexico.
The good news is that my Orange valve head sounded great through a 2x12 with greenbacks. It took pedals well, the Big Muff and Tube Screamer were really badass through it. The dirty channel is good for chugging but I prefer to run it with my pedal board through the clean channel and use the FX loop for chorus/verb/delay/leslie pedal... My wah is fucked so I need to take it back and get a refund. I got home and started trying to learn a King's X song without drop tuning.
Tuesday:
I woke up after several days of near sleeplessness and felt a sudden rage about my face and how impossible it is for things to get better and I headbutted a hole in the wall next to my bed and I got drywall chunks in a scrape on my ear because I went through the drywall and bashed into the bricks.
My dad is still freaked out and called my house and told me to go to therapy or get check out at the hospital, it was annoying because I was trying to have a fap and he called and ruined it.
I broke a string on my Persian setar, but I put a new one on. It's hard to keep in tune because of the primitive tuning pegs and they fucking move. I might put some wax in the tuning peg holes or something. I can kind of sound like Anton Newcombe when I play it now, the frets are made of sinew or something and are placed in a way that makes you kind of start to figure it out as you go.
Wednesday:
I was raping my sex doll and I got so into it that I accidentally knocked her over and she landed buttcheek first into my ashtray and not only did I spill ashes all over my floor but she now has a faint stain on her ass that wouldn't go away no matter how much I washed it. I think I'll just cover it up with a temporary tattoo, which is permanent on sex doll skin.
Thursday:
I checked on my mom like I do every morning and she was having cognitive issues again. I can't tell if she took too many muscle relaxers or if it is some symptom of the "JC virus' that some MS patients get from IV MS treatment, it might even be because she hasn't had a treatment for a while because of the coronavirus fucking up doctors visits for people and she is overdue for one. When she gets like this I can't tell if she can understand what I am saying or not, she usually just replies with "NO" whenever I ask her something. She wouldn't eat this morning and still hasn't. I gave her some water and asked her if she took too many muscle relaxers but she can't really think or talk right now. To make matters worse, she is so obese and bedridden that she is always naked, which is absolutely disgusting and just seeing her makes me want to blow my brains out. Like, normal people with non disfigured faces spent their teens and twenties having friends and sex and making happy memories. My entire life is a bad memory. I came in again and she had fallen down and climbed back into bed without me knowing and she knocked down her dresser and lamp in the process so her room is fucked up. She fucked up the sheets of her bed and I found her laying in her own shit and piss and she still cannot understand words or speak correctly. I cannot even clean up the shit and piss because she is laying in it and cannot move. I have no idea how I am going to clean that out of her mattress and make the smell go away. This happens often and she usually gets back to her senses eventually but she needs to hurry up so she can eat and take her diabetes shit. I can't call an ambulance because, America doesn't have an NHS so calling an ambulance would mean getting evicted because that's several thousand dollars, plus she is high risk for covid and would die from it if she caught it at a hospital. I'm just going to wait an hour to see if she gets better and can eat. I was supposed to rearrange my room today but now I have to deal with this shit.
I don't even get paid by medicaid or anything in exchange for taking care of her and cleaning up her shit and piss. I can't get a job to save up for surgerymaxxing because I cannot leave her alone in the house for 8 hours a day to hurt herself and fuck shit up in a daze. Every time I look at her it's just a reminder of how shitty and worthless my life is and how catching the bus is not an "if" but a "when" and I'd be coping if I said it's not something I will be forced to do soon. I was planning on disappearing for my sallekhana journey on Nowruz but I might have to do it soon if her health gets worse and I get tired of dealing with it or if her expenses lead us to eviction.
There is absolutely no hope for me. Why doesn't the government just take me away to a euthanasia center? I deserve to die if my life is this pathetic. I don't even have enough drugs to deal with it tonight so I'm going to get drunk as fuck.
Last edited:
