All I have to do today is 4 hours of online classes. And yet even that is enough to give me anxiety, stress and feeling nauseous all day.

[Deleted member 7448]

4 hours and I don't even have to physically move out of my room (that will come next week when I have to go to uni). And yet I'm still anxious all day. Seriously, the classes are in the evenings and yet my whole day is ruined cause I have that weighing over me.

This is basically a dream life for a lot of people. A little more than 4 hours, 4 days a week. And a few hours of homework. People would kill for this kind of lifestyle. And yet this is too hard for me, it feels like torture. Those 3 days of free time are great, but 4 days I'm super tense, even if I slack off as much as possible. I try to tell myself to keep the thoughts about this out of my mind, to focus on happy thoughts, but the stress is seeping in anyway.

If this is so bad, when I'll have to get a job in ~8 months, I'll really have a wake-up call. I'll be forced to transform in an entirely different person, to get out of my comfort zone of relaxing at home all day, and wageslave in some shit job all day. God it's gonna suck, I wish I'd die before then, seriously.

 

[Deleted member 27159]

Fuck I have to do it for 5 days. For 5.5 hours

 

[Deleted member 7448]

Fuck I have to do it for 5 days. For 5.5 hours

Yeah but this is a shitty master's degree, not an undergrad. It's a shitty degree from a shitty country so it's only 4 hours. Although all master's degrees in this shitty country seem to be 4 hours 4 days a week for 2 years.

 

[Deleted member 17419]

A life one hates isn't much of a life regardless of the physical or mental burdons. I don't think you're lazy as such, you can just very succinctly see through your own bullshit.

There is no turning back from it, it's either drugs or rope at that point.

 

[Tenshi]

I hate college

 

[Deleted member 7448]

A life one hates isn't much of a life regardless of the physical or mental burdons. I don't think you're lazy as such, you can just very succinctly see through your own bullshit.

There is no turning back from it, it's either drugs or rope at that point.

Can't get drugs and won't be able to afford them ever. Can't rope. So my solution is bitching on this forum while living a stressed and anxious life.

I hate college

Yeah but work is even worse. Damn this life, always from bad to worse.

 

[Deleted member 17419]

Can't get drugs and won't be able to afford them ever. Can't rope. So my solution is bitching on this forum while living a stressed and anxious life.

Can't even grow weed for personal use? Damn, it's beyond over.

 

[Deleted member 7448]

Can't even grow weed for personal use? Damn, it's beyond over.

I went through all the possibilities in my head, it just won't happen. Living in a shitty country where even full-time you can't afford a drug habit + strict drug laws + living with parents. Just won't happen. Can't even get drunk anymore cause I fucked my health up too much, literally can't physically drink anymore. Also I live with my parents and while they're alive I won't hurt them anymore by getting drunk or anything like that, hurt them too much already.

 

[Deleted member 17419]

I went through all the possibilities in my head, it just won't happen. Living in a shitty country where even full-time you can't afford a drug habit + strict drug laws + living with parents. Just won't happen. Can't even get drunk anymore cause I fucked my health up too much, literally can't physically drink anymore. Also I live with my parents and while they're alive I won't hurt them anymore by getting drunk or anything like that, hurt them too much already.

Brutal shit, sure you can't build a bucket setup and keep it in a closet or something like that? Rough shit living in low-end Europe, ngl. Are your parents staunchly anti-drugs?

 

[guaucel]

I went through all the possibilities in my head, it just won't happen. Living in a shitty country where even full-time you can't afford a drug habit + strict drug laws + living with parents. Just won't happen. Can't even get drunk anymore cause I fucked my health up too much, literally can't physically drink anymore. Also I live with my parents and while they're alive I won't hurt them anymore by getting drunk or anything like that, hurt them too much already.

Edit.
Are you studycelling there (Laos) or have moved overseas?

 

[Deleted member 7448]

Brutal shit, sure you can't build a bucket setup and keep it in a closet or something like that? Rough shit living in low-end Europe, ngl. Are your parents staunchly anti-drugs?

Very anti-drugs. For example, I never really leave the house. But back when I was an alcoholic and had already moved back to my home country, and I was still drinking and fighting with my parents a lot (cause they were really in my face about drinking, like not leaving me alone, constantly hounding me), I'd buy alcohol when going to uni or coming back or something. Anyway, turns out my dad followed me a few times. In a taxi, following me around when I was going to uni or something. Turns out I passed by an abandoned building or something and he couldn't see me. Then a few seconds or minutes later he saw me again. Well, he's convinced I bought drugs. Seriously, even now years later I keep telling him I didn't buy drugs, he doesn't fucking believe me. That's how anti-drugs he is. He's really old so in his head drugs = your life is instantly lost, it's over.

 

[Deleted member 17419]

Very anti-drugs. For example, I never really leave the house. But back when I was an alcoholic and had already moved back to my home country, and I was still drinking and fighting with my parents a lot (cause they were really in my face about drinking, like not leaving me alone, constantly hounding me), I'd buy alcohol when going to uni or coming back or something. Anyway, turns out my dad followed me a few times. In a taxi, following me around when I was going to uni or something. Turns out I passed by an abandoned building or something and he couldn't see me. Then a few seconds or minutes later he saw me again. Well, he's convinced I bought drugs. Seriously, even now years later I keep telling him I didn't buy drugs, he doesn't fucking believe me. That's how anti-drugs he is. He's really old so in his head drugs = your life is instantly lost, it's over.

Fuck, bro. Jesus christ (lol), that sucks hard. I don't know what to say really, is an apartment or tent setup of your own out of the question? I guess so, fucking brutal. I hope you get relief of some kind sooner rather than later. It's over.

 

[Studiocel]

Relatable, im stemcelling doing online courses at my parents house since my uni is closed.

 

[Deleted member 7448]

Fuck, bro. Jesus christ (lol), that sucks hard. I don't know what to say really, is an apartment or tent setup of your own out of the question? I guess so, fucking brutal. I hope you get relief of some kind sooner rather than later. It's over.

I live with them and I can't afford to move out. Well, we're pretty tight now, we get along very well, so I don't really want to move out either, it would be too hard for me emotionally. But I can't afford to move out either. Starting next summer I'll have to get a full-time job, since my studies will be over once and for all (took me long enough). But I still won't be able to afford an apartment. I'll probably have a salary of $300 a month, and that's if it's a good job, if it's a meh job $250 or even lower is possible. So while I could technically get a place with roommates or something, I'd be throwing all my salary right out the window, and tbh I don't want to do that. Also I love my parents really much, I guess I'm compensating a bit for all that I put them through while I was an alcoholic, but I love them and it would be nigh impossible for me to move out, because of my attachment.

 

[Indari]

brutal. what even is a laos? does it even exist? it's over unless you move to the netherlands

 

[Deleted member 17419]

I live with them and I can't afford to move out. Well, we're pretty tight now, we get along very well, so I don't really want to move out either, it would be too hard for me emotionally. But I can't afford to move out either. Starting next summer I'll have to get a full-time job, since my studies will be over once and for all (took me long enough). But I still won't be able to afford an apartment. I'll probably have a salary of $300 a month, and that's if it's a good job, if it's a meh job $250 or even lower is possible. So while I could technically get a place with roommates or something, I'd be throwing all my salary right out the window, and tbh I don't want to do that. Also I love my parents really much, I guess I'm compensating a bit for all that I put them through while I was an alcoholic, but I love them and it would be nigh impossible for me to move out, because of my attachment.

Will you support them economically with that meager salary? Do they know and sympathize with your suffering? Hard to see how they wouldn't accept drug use considering you're incel and getting old tbh, at least they have each other. Brutal, but I understand feeling indebted to parents ngl. I might've lucked out a bit and been able to distance a bit from mine, but I really feel what you mean, despite them lifemogging me several times around the world.

You couldn't do it in secret? Do you have a criminal record? Mogs me if you don't tbh. Growing weed can be done surprisingly cheaply, ngl.

 

[Deleted member 17419]

Won't quote you as per request, but I'm sorry brocel, yeah I love my parents too, that's what happens when you can't relate to your peers. Sorry for your suffering brocel, keep on keeping on..

 

[NuclearCel]

Yeah but this is a shitty master's degree, not an undergrad. It's a shitty degree from a shitty country so it's only 4 hours. Although all master's degrees in this shitty country seem to be 4 hours 4 days a week for 2 years.

What degree is it?

 

[Deleted member 7448]

Won't quote you as per request, but I'm sorry brocel, yeah I love my parents too, that's what happens when you can't relate to your peers. Sorry for your suffering brocel, keep on keeping on..

Thanks bro. I'm not really suffering though, it feels really dirty and unfair to say that I'm suffering when so many people out there know real suffering. I'm a man in my mid to late 20s who barely worked in his life, who eats good food every day and just mooches off his parents. At this age and still I get to live such a leisurely lifestyle. I don't have the right to complain or say that I'm suffering, it just wouldn't be fair to those people out there who are really suffering.

 

[Deleted member 17419]

I'd still recommend growing weed though, tbh. Do it outside, away from civilization. If you're in central Europe which I think is the case it should be doable with some ease. Anything to grease the wheels..

 

[Pengwin]

Online ''clasees'' are a fucking joke.

 

[Deleted member 17419]

Thanks bro. I'm not really suffering though, it feels really dirty and unfair to say that I'm suffering when so many people out there know real suffering. I'm a man in my mid to late 20s who barely worked in his life, who eats good food every day and just mooches off his parents. At this age and still I get to live such a leisurely lifestyle. I don't have the right to complain or say that I'm suffering, it just wouldn't be fair to those people out there who are really suffering.

It's not that simple, tbh. I get your point, but the menial self evaluation and criticism is worse than actual harsh life conditions, because you feel unworthy. That's the worst feeling in the world, even when I shoveled actual human feces for a living it was better than rotting with only thoughts of self-hatred for company.

 

[SkramzHandz]

working full time while trying to get my bachelors degree. 25yo so parents said i was a disappointed for not already having one even though i earn money and pay for shit around the house. i hated life before this. now i REALLY want to die.

 

[Deleted member 7448]

It's not that simple, tbh. I get your point, but the menial self evaluation and criticism is worse than actual harsh life conditions, because you feel unworthy. That's the worst feeling in the world, even when I shoveled actual human feces for a living it was better than rotting with only thoughts of self-hatred for company.

Damn dude, it sounds like you've lived a rough life. I sincerely hope it gets better for you. But see, this is exactly what I'm talking about. I'm bitching and complaining when in fact anybody else in my shoes would've found this life easy as hell. I didn't have to shovel feces like you, I wasn't forced into circumstances that would've landed me a record. The fact that I've been so depressed for more than 10 years really is just embarrassing tbh, I should be grateful for the cushy life I had, instead I'm a mess of anxiety and depression and a lot of other shit, when I really don't have the right to.

working full time while trying to get my bachelors degree. 25yo so parents said i was a disappointed for not already having one even though i earn money and pay for shit around the house. i hated life before this. now i REALLY want to die.

Holy shit man, work + degree is fucking hell, by merely imagining it I get anxious.

Online ''clasees'' are a fucking joke.

Believe me, the professors find ways of making it miserable. Seriously, even alt tabbing and playing a game is stressful with their attitudes and methods. Plus the fucking assignments, too many.

 

[Deleted member 17419]

Damn dude, it sounds like you've lived a rough life. I sincerely hope it gets better for you. But see, this is exactly what I'm talking about. I'm bitching and complaining when in fact anybody else in my shoes would've found this life easy as hell. I didn't have to shovel feces like you, I wasn't forced into circumstances that would've landed me a record. The fact that I've been so depressed for more than 10 years really is just embarrassing tbh, I should be grateful for the cushy life I had, instead I'm a mess of anxiety and depression and a lot of other shit, when I really don't have the right to.

Thanks man, appreciate it very much. I'm not worthy of your pity at the moment though, tbh. Things have, in a purely material sense, improved very much for me in later years. Still as truecel as ever, but also gotten more used to it. Teenage years were filled with so much more relentless anxiety compared to now, even if it's still there breathing down my neck.

You're missing my point a little though, in all honesty shoveling shit was one of the highlights of my life because it couldn't get much worse. I also made much more money doing it per months than it seems you're able to in your country. When I arrived home after a days work I actually felt worthy of collapsing on the couch, unlike now. It was a weird blessing in disguise, ngl. When you hate yourself at the root no pleasures except heavy drug use can make you forget it, it more or less makes it worse.

Even if you had a cushy life (don't know about that, sounds like you had to work for pennies tbh) the fact that your mind constantly haunts you can't be overstated, that's genuine torture if anything. I'd rather take chronic back pain than my obsessive mind at its worst. At least that can be medicated successfully, fuck jew pills.

Your feelings of being unworthy is your enemy, everything else is secondary. I don't actually have anything more substantial than drug use and/or risk exposure to recommend for it, that's all I've found that makes me able to cope, but I've really felt one with your descriptions of yourself in many of your posts, at least before having to try and make money in the 'real world'.

I spent my teenage years in basically a catatonic state in my parents house, not going out for months. I would've roped, but I felt too much empathy toward them to go through with it so I started drugcoping instead, and it's been that way since. Not sure what I'd do otherwise, tbh.

Rambling post, but still, don't underestimate self-inflicted psychological damage.

 

[Transcended Trucel]

You'd likely be better off learning to draw furry porn and selling it to westerners for euros and usd than get a masters in a shithole tbh

 

[Deleted member 7448]

Thanks man, appreciate it very much. I'm not worthy of your pity at the moment though, tbh. Things have, in a purely material sense, improved very much for me in later years. Still as truecel as ever, but also gotten more used to it. Teenage years were filled with so much more relentless anxiety compared to now, even if it's still there breathing down my neck.

You're missing my point a little though, in all honesty shoveling shit was one of the highlights of my life because it couldn't get much worse. I also made much more money doing it per months than it seems you're able to in your country. When I arrived home after a days work I actually felt worthy of collapsing on the couch, unlike now. It was a weird blessing in disguise, ngl. When you hate yourself at the root no pleasures except heavy drug use can make you forget it, it more or less makes it worse.

Even if you had a cushy life (don't know about that, sounds like you had to work for pennies tbh) the fact that your mind constantly haunts you can't be overstated, that's genuine torture if anything. I'd rather take chronic back pain than my obsessive mind at its worst. At least that can be medicated successfully, fuck jew pills.

Your feelings of being unworthy is your enemy, everything else is secondary. I don't actually have anything more substantial than drug use and/or risk exposure to recommend for it, that's all I've found that makes me able to cope, but I've really felt one with your descriptions of yourself in many of your posts, at least before having to try and make money in the 'real world'.

I spent my teenage years in basically a catatonic state in my parents house, not going out for months. I would've roped, but I felt too much empathy toward them to go through with it so I started drugcoping instead, and it's been that way since. Not sure what I'd do otherwise, tbh.

Rambling post, but still, don't underestimate self-inflicted psychological damage.

You sound like a hard-working dude, I'm sure life will turn out fine for you if you have that kind of attitude. As long as you don't do too much damage with drugs. It would be great if you could just limit yourself to weed. Other shit can really fuck your body up, and if it's one thing I learned from my alcoholism is that the one type of damage that can't be undone is the damage to your health. Seriously, treasure your health man, I can't describe how important health becomes in your mind only after you lose it. It's incredible, you start thinking about your health every day, it weighs on your mind. And I'm still relatively healthy, I wouldn't describe myself as a sick man, but even these issues that I have are enough to weigh on my mind. So remember to take care of your health.

Btw my life really has been cushy, I actually barely worked tbh, I complain about work constantly because I know that in the future I'll have to work for pennies, but I've been so lucky to basically mooch off my parents for this many years. Too bad I squandered it all but that's another discussion.

You'd likely be better off learning to draw furry porn and selling it to westerners for euros and usd than get a masters in a shithole tbh

Very true, and funny or not I actually thought about learning to draw hentai or something and selling it. But as with most things in life, I am so, so laughably bad at it. Although drawing was something I was particularly bad at even as a kid, much worse than other kids at it. But it's weird how useless this degree is and yet how fucking serious people are about it. Even the professors fucking make you work for it. And in my mind it's really weird cause I know what useless garbage it is for someone like me. Maybe a NT person could possibly do something about it in combination with other things, but even that is a long shot.