A decent end for sluts is a beautiful mass grave
- May 6, 2021
- 32d 13h 32m
Hello ID. I've not been posting here as often, as you know, I've migrated to the sewers still in June as this place is very sad and was making me even more depressed than I already was. But well, my threads were always known for being brutally honest, raw and profound with thinking when it came to venting stuff, so here is one more thread in that style. It is a long read so not everyone will read it, it is understandable. They usually were so long that some people called me autistic for writing that much on something meaningless, but what will I say? I am indeed autistic, I have no defense.
As someone with heavy mental problems, I have faced many difficulties in my life, in all parts of it, chilhood, preteens, teens, and now in adult life.
I can't understand socialization, how to start or keep it. I can't get social cues, I can't recognise signs of what people actually mean. I can barely function like a normal person, everything I do is sit here and rot my life away in front of my computer.
My mental health got so bad while growing up that I was deemed INCAPABLE/INVALID for a job. Months ago, I decided to try again, I tried my best and hardest, and again I was deemed incapable, basically mentally disabled for a job, and the welfare here is not enough to even pay for the water at the end of the month, so how will I even live by myself when my mom dies as I depend on her?
A few weeks ago, I said "fuck everything, I will seek a job that looks cool and I always wanted to do and I will try to get into it!"
It stopped right then and there when I read all the requirements to even have a chance to apply to the job. Advanced math knowledge, mechanics, electricity and a bunch of other very complicated stuff apart from shit tons of theoretical knowledge. Needless to say that I have failed miserably multiple and multiple and multiple times at such areas in school. I tried hard, even paid for a very rigid private teacher, and several other teachers to help me with the things I needed and couldn't learn, and at the end... I couldn't learn. I failed 2 whole grades in middle school and had to lose 2 additional years of my life studying the same 2 grades again to pass them. That's just how weak my brain is, as if being autistic, paranoid schizophrenic, extremely anxious and depressed was not enough.
I have some extreme severe social phobia, I can barely talk to my mom, I can't look anyone in the eyes doesn't matter who it is, I answer with gestures/nodding my head or with single word responses, with a very quiet voice, practically whispering. My beheavior was always considered abnormal, always the weird kid. Needless to say how much bullying I had to endure in my early years and having the titanium nerves not to take my life before age 12 because I was more than ready for it as I knew where my father kept his guns. He was a cop, died in service while I was growing up, severely damaging me for the rest of my life as he was the person I was most attached to. I would dress exactly like him when we were going out, I would insist in going in whatever place he was going, even if it was boring just because I wanted to be near him. He was god in my eyes, fought all adversities to keep food on the table with an extremely dangerous job in an extremely dangerous place due to extreme crime at the time, and even created my brother, who was not his biological son, as his own son, better than his own biological father who couldn't care less. My brother loved him more than he loved his own biological father.
September 10th completed 14 years since his death. The day went by fast, and I still remember that day/night. I had removed a tooth, and was happy about it, and was trying to call him to tell him about it, but he would not pick up. By the time I was calling him, he was already dead while he was in service, I only knew about it through a visit from his best friend the next day, and minutes lates I was going to the cemetery for the funeral. I was crying so much I couldn't even keep my eyes open or even breathe. The person that cared for that family and fought the adversities and dangers of that era with everything he had, gave us a roof, food, transportation, education, clothes, love, fun trips to the beach of the mountains... was gone. I was just 12, my birthdat was just exactly 1 week before and his birthday would be 8 days later, we were preparing for it. The person I would go everywhere with, the person who was a type of "mirror" for me, someone I would like to be like, was dead, was never goingto see him again. I couldn't even look at the casket, as I said, I was crying so much I couldn't even keep my eyes open, but I do have a very, very faint image of him lying there.
People at the funeral said that he had an expression of peace. Well, he indeed was very happy the week before he passed, we indeed had never seen him that happy before. Barbecues, some occasional fast food he would bring us, gifts for us and everything.
I remember the last day with him. I was ready for school and he came home to pick me up with the police car to take me to school. He did a thing that was not usual during that time, but he had some time off so he did it. He took us to eat in a good restaurant before finally leaving me at school. I opened the car door when we arrived, and I said "bye dad". Little I knew that would be the last time I would see him alive. The person I looked up the most in life... was no more. And life was never the same, things got very, very difficult for a long time, there was a time we were going to starve because my mom's income was not enough. Both her and my father worked but we had so many things to pay that my mom's income was just not enough to save for food and basic things. The house was very expensive and there were many other things to pay unrelated to it.
That day was very weird, there was some strange aurea in everything, the color of the sky, the winds, something with the trees. The time to go home was there, time passed and passed and he didn't show up. I stayed alone in school for hours waiting for him. I was there for so long that even the staff left and I was left at the house of the owner of the school, my mom ended picking me up, it was already nighttime by then, and it all felt very off, like... something as wrong, everything felt so wrong and strange yet nor my mom or me knew anything. She just had an argument with him earlier because he didn't pick me up, as he said he was stuck on the job, I think.
The funeral was... otherwordly. I have no words to describe. So many people there, people from the corporation and such, friends, family... there was a helicoper flying above the cemetery, with the officers in it throwing roses at the ground and above us. The usual gunshots with the gun salute and all.
Something exactly like this since he was once member of the special forces:
The difference that the guns used in the gun salute were 7.62 rifles so it was LOUD AS GOD DAMN FUCK.
During my time in school, I would be the first to get in the classroom, and I would not leave even in the break time, to stay alone and away from everyone to avoid people looking at me, laughing and things like that. Even when it was time to go home, I would still not leave the classroom until the school was completely empty with only the school staff in it. Sometimes I would help the cleaning lady organizing stuff and cleaning stuff as well, just so I could leave school alone without anyone seeing me or me having to look at people and feel the utter dread and despair to know that I will never be like them, I will never live like them, I will never have what they have, a social life, a circle of friends, not being excluded. I imagine what it must feel like to have an actual life with friends, fun, a girlfriend, people to share stuff with, laugh, having support and knowing that you are actually in company.
I've been isolated in my room for 8 years now counting from when I simply gave up on school as I couldn't take it anymore, I was TOO suicidal at the time, I had to get out of there. My isolation started in 2007, but it only got very, very real in 2013.
After giving up and staying home in peace shortly after I felt a lot better, but it didn't last long, very heavy depression kicked in again stronger than ever.
I kept remembering this girl from my class who I met 2 years earlier that I would always argue with because she was so annoying to me with her friend, and we almost got in physical fights.
In 2013 she changed and was not that annoying girl anymore, since she didn't talk to the other girl and it was the other girl who was inducing her to be that annoying to me, and everyone would pick on me, not only them.
Anyway, she seemed like a really cool person. I had writings in my notebook talking about how I felt and how I viewed the world, she read it all and I didn't know it, she took my notebook and read it without me knowing. A day later, she writes me a letter saying that I am very different from everyone else in a good way because I know that nothing is what it looks like, including people, and she offered me help, to talk to and vent. She was the first person ever to recognise I was trully depressed. I didn't really have time to be friends with her because shortly after tragedy struck... I missed school for 1 day, and that day I missed, she died. The next day I was in school I received the news, I was in complete disbelief, shocked and speechless.
I refused to believe it and thought it was a tasteless joke as someone who lost a valuable person in my life, but it was very real and things went down when one of her friends showed the facebook post of her mom stating about the girl's death. I couldn't read even the first sentence. I immediately lost my breath and turned into a rock, I was pretrified. The only person that offered me help and saw I was depressed was now gone. I packed my things and left the classroom without giving a fuck about what the teacher was saying to me.
I just sat in the chairs in the corridor, looking out the windows and thinking about everything. I was questioning the very fabric of reality. I lost a potential friend I could have, as I didn't even have time to become friends with her.
To this day, I still have the 2 letters she wrote me talking about how special it was for me in such place in the world to see things how they were and how my perception was actually right, and that I shouldn't feel too bad because I was not alone. Sometimes I pick the papers up, read them and somehow think that part of her essence is still there... she touched the papers after all, it's like part of her is still alive in this world, it is her handwriting with pieces of paper from her own notebook. It was something that was once hers.
Her facebook memorial page does not exist anymore, and I almost don't remember what she looked like, but the faint memories I have of her still haunt me.
I imagine if there is an afterlife and she looks at me, along with my father in utter disappointment seeing what I've become, in a state I cannot get out of.
In 2014 I got in and even darker pit and things only got worse from there, I tried to end my life 2 times, unsuccessfully. The years after were gruesomely soul draining with an indescribable amount of despair consuming my soul non-stop every living second I had awake. Every time I would sleep up to 17 hours I would be glad because I had skipped so many hours being awake feeling like my very soul was being drained from my body and only leaving behind the dark energy that was depression and despair that I had within me for years intensified 10 thousand fold.
In 2020 things dropped... I started to really lose my sanity and wrote the most insane things I have ever written to date. I was writing non-stop for hours and nothing of it made sense. Of course, for me it did, but not for anyone else as I had made my own terms, expressions and exchange of words to talk about anything without people knowing what I am actually talking about, and making it look like I am talking non-sense or something beautiful about the universe or nature. This has arised from an useless talent I have that is creative writing, but the things I write are so complex and autistic that they are simply useless, but people liked it anyway and everyone that knew me told me a million times to write a book. I have an extremely original idea but I have no idea how to write it or organize the story as it is so complex and involves so many abstract things and words. I don't even know how to make the ending or anything, but the idea is just so beautiful and never thought of.
Could I writermaxx? Possibly, but it would take my entire life to do it and very possibly be very unsuccessful due to the complexity and the level of autism that are the things I wrote. I just don't know how I would ever write that book even if I had a billion years to live. Thus, an investiment of many years would end up in utter failure and I would get nothing in return. The appreciation I got for the things I wrote that were made to actually make sense got a fuckton of praise because they are really beautiful, no one would imagine they came from a person like me that posts on such forum. The astounding depth of some of the things I written could only be described as multidimensional despair/love and other things (I wrote about many things, from everyday life, to love, to loss, to grief, happiness, dreams, fantasy, the divine-like energy of nature... so. many. things.)
I just think that with the brain I have I am a total waste of a potential talent (again, useless talent because most things I write don't make any sense for anyone except me). My way of writing is extremely unique as I said I have developed a whole new universe of language and symbolism to refer to things, people, events, feelings, songs, seasons, nature...
Don't know what to say anymore. I have no direction in this life. I could never handle a normal job, especially in this country where we sometimes work up to 14 hours shifts per day without days off for months at a time to earn minimum wage that cannot pay even for the fucking electricity and they expect people to pay for every absurd tax, food, transportation, clothing and everything else.
Now, in 2021, things have descended to such level that there is no escape anymore. The dark pit I find myself in has no way out and I keep descending further into it. I have lost all and any faith in the world or in people. I have seen how brutal it is, I have seen what people do to each other. I have seen what people go through to live with the bare minimum with inhumane efforts that should grant them 10x more than enough to live like they should. I don't want that for my life, I don't. I can't imagine living my life like that or living the rest of my life rotting here. And there is nothing I can do. From now on, I can only descend further and further. It's a descending spiral that only ends with my end... my death.
I don't believe in this world anymore, I can't trust anyone. I can't get out of this state of mind and people have advised me to stop using social media and everything related to it.
I hate to see people having what I can't have and living what I can't live. Even if they are short on money, at least they have something that money will never buy and something that I can't have, that is; sanity, friends, a fulfilled life with fulfilled desires, company, affection, conversations, a "busy" (in a good way) life that can't let you down for long as there is always something up. A circle of friends, trips, relationships, being heard, listened to, understood, compliments, people by their side.
I never get any of that. My life has been extremely lonely for a long time. I saw a friend in May of this year after 7 years I didn't see him personally. Before that, I had last seen a friend in 2016. From there on, I only talked to my mom, and never left the house unless I had literally no other option.
I'm completely unfit for any job, I have learning disabilities so I can't study to learn anything, even if I learned something, how would I work being deemed incapable?
I can't keep any conversation, I'm ugly, I am more than 55lbs (25kg) underweight for my height and age, and I am already short, so I can't bare going out and thinking everyone is looking at me and thinking about how weird I am, laughing in silence and judging me, happened before many times.
I have even been catfished by one of the people I played with because of my perceived emotional vulnerability and depression, thus being easy to manipulate. It was humiliating and I will never forget or forgive it. Things like these traumatized me to hell and back trusting people.
I can't have a job, can't keep actual friendships, people despise me because I'm old and still live with my mom, not because I want, but because I have no other option, I am not fit for a job let alone living by myself. So what is even the purpose of living if I can't go forward? I don't want to rot on this chair for the rest of my life, whatever much time I may have.
There is just no reason, I can't go out, nothing for me ever goes in the right direction, can't have a job, can't learn basic tasks... what am I supposed to do?
I'm sure someone would tell me to get some kind of online job... well, yes, but you still need to learn things and take responsibility. I can't take responsibility. I have an actual phobia of responsibility to the point that I can't even decide what to pick to eat sometimes, imagine having a commitment to make a living. And just to make things clear, I have already tried, from programming, to coding, to web design/development but I can't understand the concepts, language or math, I just can't, it does not get into my brain does not matter what and I got tired from trying. I thought about making a youtube channel to talk about many different random subjects, but for that, I would need a lot of creativity for the scripts, time to research topics and animation skills which again, I tried and couldn't learn and I can't seem to learn anything I ever try in this life, but I do have the knowledge to edit videos and have edited hundreds of videos since 2010, but I would need much more advanced editing that take a lot of time and training, and of course, memory (which I don't have) to remember the steps, apart from the tools. Also, what would be the chance to actually garner an audience for the channel to grow enough for me to get paid enough to make a living on my own? Close to 0, as there are way too many people doing that already and you need to be extra special and different in some way to attract people, and very creative, something I AM NOT. Don't forget to acknowledge the fantastical youtube channels with astounding content/editing/script/everything done very professionally that have barely any views. Very high effort things and they don't get paid enough to pay for their weekly meals. So what would be the chance of an autistic, talentless, uncreative idiot to garner any audience on a consistent basis to a point where I can make a living instead of a normal job since I can't do one and live by myself? 0. Exactly 0.
I envy everyone that has a life of their own. And for that, I hate everyone that has what I want but can't have. I hate everyone who is what I want and I can't be.
I hate myself and my life. Everything was decided the moment of my conception and over before starting. I was condemned to all of this from the beginning of time. A life of loneliness, rejection, emotional humiliation, isolation, being humiliated by the lives of other people that won at life.
It's hard, very hard to accept the fact that my life was decided the moment I was conceived. I never stood a chance. I don't hate with "anger", I hate with bitterness for acknowledging that I will never achieving anything, I hate with sadness and despair.
I feel like I am in a brigde in the middle of an eternal foggy morning. A bridge that leads to nowhere... I can't see the end of it, and I don't know when my life will end. Because that is what my life is... it will lead nowhere, I can't go nowhere, I feel I am in nowhere and will end up in nowhere. The fog is a mere representation of the distance that I am from reality right now. A reality I wish I was in, with enjoyment, happiness and fulfillment. But the fog is always there hindering the vision and acting as a barrier stopping me from ever getting to it, and as I am in the bridge, I have to follow it... to nowhere, excatly where my life is going.
I feel stuck. Stuck in time. Every day is just the same as every other day. There is never anything different. What was different today from the same day 3 years ago? Nothing, it was the same, I did the same things. Every day is the same day, every thing feels the same. Distant, foggy, dream-like, surreal, timeless.
It feels like... time just stopped for me while everyone else is going forwards.
There is nothing that I can cope with anymore, playing games, watching movies, writing, nothing, NOTHING helps me at this point anymore. My life is a perpetual, endless cycle of dullness, boredom and emptiness with no end in sight. Nothing ever looks or feels exciting.
Many people say that the purpose of living is being happy and doing what you like, but, what to do when nothing makes you happy or there is nothing that you actually like?
That is what my life is. Empty. My bedroom is filled with stuff. A TV, bed, everything a normal room has, but a person? Yes, the person is me, everyone is a person, but the person living in this room has lost its soul, so its empty, it's just a body living on automatic mode.
What is a thing that only exists superficially, something soulless? Just an object. And that is what I am now, just a body. I don't even feel human anymore.
I feel dead. I feel like a ghost. I feel like my body is just a tool, and the real me is a ghost also stuck in this room observing myself, haunting my own thoughts, my own place, haunting my own memories and the times I am fond of. A ghost that keeps haunting an alternate reality, fantasising what my life could have been if everything was different and right. I live just dreaming, imagining, but never actually getting to the real thing as nothing feels real anymore and nothing could ever get real at this point, I crossed the point of no return long ago, there was never a return to begin with. I spend my time daydreaming about a fantasy world where eveything is possible, there is control, but even then, there is sadness and despair.
Sometimes I feel like I touch the world not with what I have, but as an echo of what I once was, in a way, just a faded memory of something that could ONLY HAVE BEEN, but never was.
Humanity in me does not exist anymore, as in order to be a human, you need a soul, a purpose, and I have none.