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Venting [A raw, brutally sad and long read] There is nowhere for my life to go and I simply don't even want to move anymore.

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SlutLiberationFront

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Hello ID. I've not been posting here as often, as you know, I've migrated to the sewers still in June as this place is very sad and was making me even more depressed than I already was. But well, my threads were always known for being brutally honest, raw and profound with thinking when it came to venting stuff, so here is one more thread in that style. It is a long read so not everyone will read it, it is understandable. They usually were so long that some people called me autistic for writing that much on something meaningless, but what will I say? I am indeed autistic, I have no defense.​




As someone with heavy mental problems, I have faced many difficulties in my life, in all parts of it, chilhood, preteens, teens, and now in adult life.
I can't understand socialization, how to start or keep it. I can't get social cues, I can't recognise signs of what people actually mean. I can barely function like a normal person, everything I do is sit here and rot my life away in front of my computer.
My mental health got so bad while growing up that I was deemed INCAPABLE/INVALID for a job. Months ago, I decided to try again, I tried my best and hardest, and again I was deemed incapable, basically mentally disabled for a job, and the welfare here is not enough to even pay for the water at the end of the month, so how will I even live by myself when my mom dies as I depend on her?





A few weeks ago, I said "fuck everything, I will seek a job that looks cool and I always wanted to do and I will try to get into it!"
It stopped right then and there when I read all the requirements to even have a chance to apply to the job. Advanced math knowledge, mechanics, electricity and a bunch of other very complicated stuff apart from shit tons of theoretical knowledge. Needless to say that I have failed miserably multiple and multiple and multiple times at such areas in school. I tried hard, even paid for a very rigid private teacher, and several other teachers to help me with the things I needed and couldn't learn, and at the end... I couldn't learn. I failed 2 whole grades in middle school and had to lose 2 additional years of my life studying the same 2 grades again to pass them. That's just how weak my brain is, as if being autistic, paranoid schizophrenic, extremely anxious and depressed was not enough.





I have some extreme severe social phobia, I can barely talk to my mom, I can't look anyone in the eyes doesn't matter who it is, I answer with gestures/nodding my head or with single word responses, with a very quiet voice, practically whispering. My beheavior was always considered abnormal, always the weird kid. Needless to say how much bullying I had to endure in my early years and having the titanium nerves not to take my life before age 12 because I was more than ready for it as I knew where my father kept his guns. He was a cop, died in service while I was growing up, severely damaging me for the rest of my life as he was the person I was most attached to. I would dress exactly like him when we were going out, I would insist in going in whatever place he was going, even if it was boring just because I wanted to be near him. He was god in my eyes, fought all adversities to keep food on the table with an extremely dangerous job in an extremely dangerous place due to extreme crime at the time, and even created my brother, who was not his biological son, as his own son, better than his own biological father who couldn't care less. My brother loved him more than he loved his own biological father.

September 10th completed 14 years since his death. The day went by fast, and I still remember that day/night. I had removed a tooth, and was happy about it, and was trying to call him to tell him about it, but he would not pick up. By the time I was calling him, he was already dead while he was in service, I only knew about it through a visit from his best friend the next day, and minutes lates I was going to the cemetery for the funeral. I was crying so much I couldn't even keep my eyes open or even breathe. The person that cared for that family and fought the adversities and dangers of that era with everything he had, gave us a roof, food, transportation, education, clothes, love, fun trips to the beach of the mountains... was gone. I was just 12, my birthdat was just exactly 1 week before and his birthday would be 8 days later, we were preparing for it. The person I would go everywhere with, the person who was a type of "mirror" for me, someone I would like to be like, was dead, was never goingto see him again. I couldn't even look at the casket, as I said, I was crying so much I couldn't even keep my eyes open, but I do have a very, very faint image of him lying there.
People at the funeral said that he had an expression of peace. Well, he indeed was very happy the week before he passed, we indeed had never seen him that happy before. Barbecues, some occasional fast food he would bring us, gifts for us and everything.
I remember the last day with him. I was ready for school and he came home to pick me up with the police car to take me to school. He did a thing that was not usual during that time, but he had some time off so he did it. He took us to eat in a good restaurant before finally leaving me at school. I opened the car door when we arrived, and I said "bye dad". Little I knew that would be the last time I would see him alive. The person I looked up the most in life... was no more. And life was never the same, things got very, very difficult for a long time, there was a time we were going to starve because my mom's income was not enough. Both her and my father worked but we had so many things to pay that my mom's income was just not enough to save for food and basic things. The house was very expensive and there were many other things to pay unrelated to it.
That day was very weird, there was some strange aurea in everything, the color of the sky, the winds, something with the trees. The time to go home was there, time passed and passed and he didn't show up. I stayed alone in school for hours waiting for him. I was there for so long that even the staff left and I was left at the house of the owner of the school, my mom ended picking me up, it was already nighttime by then, and it all felt very off, like... something as wrong, everything felt so wrong and strange yet nor my mom or me knew anything. She just had an argument with him earlier because he didn't pick me up, as he said he was stuck on the job, I think.

The funeral was... otherwordly. I have no words to describe. So many people there, people from the corporation and such, friends, family... there was a helicoper flying above the cemetery, with the officers in it throwing roses at the ground and above us. The usual gunshots with the gun salute and all.

Something exactly like this since he was once member of the special forces:




The difference that the guns used in the gun salute were 7.62 rifles so it was LOUD AS GOD DAMN FUCK.



During my time in school, I would be the first to get in the classroom, and I would not leave even in the break time, to stay alone and away from everyone to avoid people looking at me, laughing and things like that. Even when it was time to go home, I would still not leave the classroom until the school was completely empty with only the school staff in it. Sometimes I would help the cleaning lady organizing stuff and cleaning stuff as well, just so I could leave school alone without anyone seeing me or me having to look at people and feel the utter dread and despair to know that I will never be like them, I will never live like them, I will never have what they have, a social life, a circle of friends, not being excluded. I imagine what it must feel like to have an actual life with friends, fun, a girlfriend, people to share stuff with, laugh, having support and knowing that you are actually in company.
I've been isolated in my room for 8 years now counting from when I simply gave up on school as I couldn't take it anymore, I was TOO suicidal at the time, I had to get out of there. My isolation started in 2007, but it only got very, very real in 2013.
After giving up and staying home in peace shortly after I felt a lot better, but it didn't last long, very heavy depression kicked in again stronger than ever.

I kept remembering this girl from my class who I met 2 years earlier that I would always argue with because she was so annoying to me with her friend, and we almost got in physical fights.
In 2013 she changed and was not that annoying girl anymore, since she didn't talk to the other girl and it was the other girl who was inducing her to be that annoying to me, and everyone would pick on me, not only them.
Anyway, she seemed like a really cool person. I had writings in my notebook talking about how I felt and how I viewed the world, she read it all and I didn't know it, she took my notebook and read it without me knowing. A day later, she writes me a letter saying that I am very different from everyone else in a good way because I know that nothing is what it looks like, including people, and she offered me help, to talk to and vent. She was the first person ever to recognise I was trully depressed. I didn't really have time to be friends with her because shortly after tragedy struck... I missed school for 1 day, and that day I missed, she died. The next day I was in school I received the news, I was in complete disbelief, shocked and speechless.
I refused to believe it and thought it was a tasteless joke as someone who lost a valuable person in my life, but it was very real and things went down when one of her friends showed the facebook post of her mom stating about the girl's death. I couldn't read even the first sentence. I immediately lost my breath and turned into a rock, I was pretrified. The only person that offered me help and saw I was depressed was now gone. I packed my things and left the classroom without giving a fuck about what the teacher was saying to me.
I just sat in the chairs in the corridor, looking out the windows and thinking about everything. I was questioning the very fabric of reality. I lost a potential friend I could have, as I didn't even have time to become friends with her.

To this day, I still have the 2 letters she wrote me talking about how special it was for me in such place in the world to see things how they were and how my perception was actually right, and that I shouldn't feel too bad because I was not alone. Sometimes I pick the papers up, read them and somehow think that part of her essence is still there... she touched the papers after all, it's like part of her is still alive in this world, it is her handwriting with pieces of paper from her own notebook. It was something that was once hers.
Her facebook memorial page does not exist anymore, and I almost don't remember what she looked like, but the faint memories I have of her still haunt me.
I imagine if there is an afterlife and she looks at me, along with my father in utter disappointment seeing what I've become, in a state I cannot get out of.





In 2014 I got in and even darker pit and things only got worse from there, I tried to end my life 2 times, unsuccessfully. The years after were gruesomely soul draining with an indescribable amount of despair consuming my soul non-stop every living second I had awake. Every time I would sleep up to 17 hours I would be glad because I had skipped so many hours being awake feeling like my very soul was being drained from my body and only leaving behind the dark energy that was depression and despair that I had within me for years intensified 10 thousand fold.
In 2020 things dropped... I started to really lose my sanity and wrote the most insane things I have ever written to date. I was writing non-stop for hours and nothing of it made sense. Of course, for me it did, but not for anyone else as I had made my own terms, expressions and exchange of words to talk about anything without people knowing what I am actually talking about, and making it look like I am talking non-sense or something beautiful about the universe or nature. This has arised from an useless talent I have that is creative writing, but the things I write are so complex and autistic that they are simply useless, but people liked it anyway and everyone that knew me told me a million times to write a book. I have an extremely original idea but I have no idea how to write it or organize the story as it is so complex and involves so many abstract things and words. I don't even know how to make the ending or anything, but the idea is just so beautiful and never thought of.
Could I writermaxx? Possibly, but it would take my entire life to do it and very possibly be very unsuccessful due to the complexity and the level of autism that are the things I wrote. I just don't know how I would ever write that book even if I had a billion years to live. Thus, an investiment of many years would end up in utter failure and I would get nothing in return. The appreciation I got for the things I wrote that were made to actually make sense got a fuckton of praise because they are really beautiful, no one would imagine they came from a person like me that posts on such forum. The astounding depth of some of the things I written could only be described as multidimensional despair/love and other things (I wrote about many things, from everyday life, to love, to loss, to grief, happiness, dreams, fantasy, the divine-like energy of nature... so. many. things.)

I just think that with the brain I have I am a total waste of a potential talent (again, useless talent because most things I write don't make any sense for anyone except me). My way of writing is extremely unique as I said I have developed a whole new universe of language and symbolism to refer to things, people, events, feelings, songs, seasons, nature...





Don't know what to say anymore. I have no direction in this life. I could never handle a normal job, especially in this country where we sometimes work up to 14 hours shifts per day without days off for months at a time to earn minimum wage that cannot pay even for the fucking electricity and they expect people to pay for every absurd tax, food, transportation, clothing and everything else.
Now, in 2021, things have descended to such level that there is no escape anymore. The dark pit I find myself in has no way out and I keep descending further into it. I have lost all and any faith in the world or in people. I have seen how brutal it is, I have seen what people do to each other. I have seen what people go through to live with the bare minimum with inhumane efforts that should grant them 10x more than enough to live like they should. I don't want that for my life, I don't. I can't imagine living my life like that or living the rest of my life rotting here. And there is nothing I can do. From now on, I can only descend further and further. It's a descending spiral that only ends with my end... my death.





I don't believe in this world anymore, I can't trust anyone. I can't get out of this state of mind and people have advised me to stop using social media and everything related to it.
I hate to see people having what I can't have and living what I can't live. Even if they are short on money, at least they have something that money will never buy and something that I can't have, that is; sanity, friends, a fulfilled life with fulfilled desires, company, affection, conversations, a "busy" (in a good way) life that can't let you down for long as there is always something up. A circle of friends, trips, relationships, being heard, listened to, understood, compliments, people by their side.
I never get any of that. My life has been extremely lonely for a long time. I saw a friend in May of this year after 7 years I didn't see him personally. Before that, I had last seen a friend in 2016. From there on, I only talked to my mom, and never left the house unless I had literally no other option.

I'm completely unfit for any job, I have learning disabilities so I can't study to learn anything, even if I learned something, how would I work being deemed incapable?
I can't keep any conversation, I'm ugly, I am more than 55lbs (25kg) underweight for my height and age, and I am already short, so I can't bare going out and thinking everyone is looking at me and thinking about how weird I am, laughing in silence and judging me, happened before many times.
I have even been catfished by one of the people I played with because of my perceived emotional vulnerability and depression, thus being easy to manipulate. It was humiliating and I will never forget or forgive it. Things like these traumatized me to hell and back trusting people.
I can't have a job, can't keep actual friendships, people despise me because I'm old and still live with my mom, not because I want, but because I have no other option, I am not fit for a job let alone living by myself. So what is even the purpose of living if I can't go forward? I don't want to rot on this chair for the rest of my life, whatever much time I may have.
There is just no reason, I can't go out, nothing for me ever goes in the right direction, can't have a job, can't learn basic tasks... what am I supposed to do?

I'm sure someone would tell me to get some kind of online job... well, yes, but you still need to learn things and take responsibility. I can't take responsibility. I have an actual phobia of responsibility to the point that I can't even decide what to pick to eat sometimes, imagine having a commitment to make a living. And just to make things clear, I have already tried, from programming, to coding, to web design/development but I can't understand the concepts, language or math, I just can't, it does not get into my brain does not matter what and I got tired from trying. I thought about making a youtube channel to talk about many different random subjects, but for that, I would need a lot of creativity for the scripts, time to research topics and animation skills which again, I tried and couldn't learn and I can't seem to learn anything I ever try in this life, but I do have the knowledge to edit videos and have edited hundreds of videos since 2010, but I would need much more advanced editing that take a lot of time and training, and of course, memory (which I don't have) to remember the steps, apart from the tools. Also, what would be the chance to actually garner an audience for the channel to grow enough for me to get paid enough to make a living on my own? Close to 0, as there are way too many people doing that already and you need to be extra special and different in some way to attract people, and very creative, something I AM NOT. Don't forget to acknowledge the fantastical youtube channels with astounding content/editing/script/everything done very professionally that have barely any views. Very high effort things and they don't get paid enough to pay for their weekly meals. So what would be the chance of an autistic, talentless, uncreative idiot to garner any audience on a consistent basis to a point where I can make a living instead of a normal job since I can't do one and live by myself? 0. Exactly 0.

I envy everyone that has a life of their own. And for that, I hate everyone that has what I want but can't have. I hate everyone who is what I want and I can't be.
I hate myself and my life. Everything was decided the moment of my conception and over before starting. I was condemned to all of this from the beginning of time. A life of loneliness, rejection, emotional humiliation, isolation, being humiliated by the lives of other people that won at life.
It's hard, very hard to accept the fact that my life was decided the moment I was conceived. I never stood a chance. I don't hate with "anger", I hate with bitterness for acknowledging that I will never achieving anything, I hate with sadness and despair.

I feel like I am in a brigde in the middle of an eternal foggy morning. A bridge that leads to nowhere... I can't see the end of it, and I don't know when my life will end. Because that is what my life is... it will lead nowhere, I can't go nowhere, I feel I am in nowhere and will end up in nowhere. The fog is a mere representation of the distance that I am from reality right now. A reality I wish I was in, with enjoyment, happiness and fulfillment. But the fog is always there hindering the vision and acting as a barrier stopping me from ever getting to it, and as I am in the bridge, I have to follow it... to nowhere, excatly where my life is going.





I feel stuck. Stuck in time. Every day is just the same as every other day. There is never anything different. What was different today from the same day 3 years ago? Nothing, it was the same, I did the same things. Every day is the same day, every thing feels the same. Distant, foggy, dream-like, surreal, timeless.
It feels like... time just stopped for me while everyone else is going forwards.





There is nothing that I can cope with anymore, playing games, watching movies, writing, nothing, NOTHING helps me at this point anymore. My life is a perpetual, endless cycle of dullness, boredom and emptiness with no end in sight. Nothing ever looks or feels exciting.
Many people say that the purpose of living is being happy and doing what you like, but, what to do when nothing makes you happy or there is nothing that you actually like?

That is what my life is. Empty. My bedroom is filled with stuff. A TV, bed, everything a normal room has, but a person? Yes, the person is me, everyone is a person, but the person living in this room has lost its soul, so its empty, it's just a body living on automatic mode.
What is a thing that only exists superficially, something soulless? Just an object. And that is what I am now, just a body. I don't even feel human anymore.

I feel dead. I feel like a ghost. I feel like my body is just a tool, and the real me is a ghost also stuck in this room observing myself, haunting my own thoughts, my own place, haunting my own memories and the times I am fond of. A ghost that keeps haunting an alternate reality, fantasising what my life could have been if everything was different and right. I live just dreaming, imagining, but never actually getting to the real thing as nothing feels real anymore and nothing could ever get real at this point, I crossed the point of no return long ago, there was never a return to begin with. I spend my time daydreaming about a fantasy world where eveything is possible, there is control, but even then, there is sadness and despair.

Sometimes I feel like I touch the world not with what I have, but as an echo of what I once was, in a way, just a faded memory of something that could ONLY HAVE BEEN, but never was.

Humanity in me does not exist anymore, as in order to be a human, you need a soul, a purpose, and I have none.

 
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Mecoja

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I read all of it and im sorry you had to go through all that. In many things you are like a mix of my brother and me i also lost family members, i feel like i kinda know you. Losing your father destroyed your childhood, my father staying with us destroyed my life. I did things in childhood to cope with my life that i wouldnt admit to anyone, not even to you guys because everyone would lose even a little bit of respect they maybe have for me. Life is hell, no one can convince me otherwise but only thing worse than life is death, im scared of death and what comes after that.
 
Zer0/∞

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Damn, very long and detailed thread: guess I'll have to read it when I wake up.:feelsokman:

I skimmed a lot: you should pursue writermaxxing, there are many thoughts you can truly understand and make sense of only after it's written onto paper.

Writing is a form of art: it is form of expression that makes you feel human with all the emotions(soul) embedded into every sentence and word carefully chosen, regardless of all the feelings of isolation and sub humanity you may experience.
Humanity in me does not exist anymore, as in order to be a human, you need a soul, a purpose, and I have none.
 
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brutal. i read all of it. but i have nothing to say, im already souless
 
calimero

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I think you have a very pleasant way of writing, you definitely have some sort of talent. Also what you wrote is very soulful. Of course the effort of writing a book is very demanding, so I get your point, but you shouldn't dismiss your own talents I think. What you wrote about the girl reading your notebook is very touching and almost unbelievable. I know the pain this can cause, I have also lost a female friend with whom I deeply connected, and even though we have separated I still think of her daily, before sleeping and after waking up, and have so for the past 3 years.

I will read your post maybe later a second time because I read it a bit fast, but I have bookmarked it. But you should realize that your circumstances and your situation don't define you. It would weigh anyone down, but you have clearly developed a perceptive ability through your hardships and perseverence, so I wouldn't give up. Even if it seems so dim and grey with no hope in sight you should keep trusting yourself. Writing what you wrote already takes a lot of courage, so dont get demoralized by what your environment is saying.

Btw. if you need some pointers in math (or programming) I think I could give advise. I have been doing a stem degree for the past years, so I think I understand things like calculus, linear algebra and statistics pretty well.
 
SlutLiberationFront

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calimero said:
I think you have a very pleasant way of writing, you definitely have some sort of talent. Also what you wrote is very soulful. Of course the effort of writing a book is very demanding, so I get your point, but you shouldn't dismiss your own talents I think. What you wrote about the girl reading your notebook is very touching and almost unbelievable. I know the pain this can cause, I have also lost a female friend with whom I deeply connected, and even though we have separated I still think of her daily, before sleeping and after waking up, and have so for the past 3 years.
Thank you. And yes, I do have some very deep, but unpleasant way of looking at things. Something that someone touches and I keep it, I think is part of the person because it once belonged to that person, that they touched it, handled it and had it with them, it somehow may have part of their energy in it, and thus, part of that person is there, alive. This is so unhealthy, but so hauntingly beautiful and sad at the same time.
I could post some of my writings here and no one, literally no one on this planet, not even IT personality detectors would know those beautiful, soul-touching profound works were written by me, someone who uses this dark forum full of stuff society hates. There is a reason they have received a lot of praise at the time I wrote them.

I don't know... I really don't know how I did end up here being this way in this dark corner with such beautiful works under my authory. How did I fail this bad?
I could have made something out of my "talent" if I was a normal person, but I never could, and probably never will, but I hope my works will stay forever and whoever reads them, years in the future, will feel part of my soul, dreadful despair that I felt during the times of the writings, despite of what type are they, the ones about nature, feelings, an abstract world, happiness or lost/found love.
 
T

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Tearing up in the middle of school :cryfeels: hang in there king
 
SlutLiberationFront

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TheUntermensch said:
Tearing up in the middle of school :cryfeels: hang in there king
Ah man, I don't know. Living without any purpose, anyone to listen to or understand, touch, comprehend, comfort... it's tough, it's very tough.
Normies just don't know how easy they have it, at least speaking in social terms.
 
Arabcel9

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gonna read when im finished with studymaxxing for some tests
 
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Arabcel9 said:
gonna read when im finished with studymaxxing for some tests
Good thread, almost no replies because no one actually read long posts. :feelsrope:
calimero said:
I have also lost a female friend with whom I deeply connected, and even though we have separated I still think of her daily, before sleeping and after waking up, and have so for the past 3 years.
If you know her name, e-mail(s) or anything, you can find her through special methods.
 
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tenta

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How old are you?
 
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Defetivecuckachu

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Holy fuck. I wish I had something to say that would mean something to you.
 
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Anyone have a quick summary.
 
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notafraid69 said:
Anyone have a quick summary.
This read is worth it. This is why long threads barely get any replies. No one reads more than 2 lines. Understand if there is no interest, but when it is something worth reading, something honest and raw, it should be read word by word.
I fucking hate reading, but I took the time to even read My Twisted World in ONE SITTING continuously non-stop. I will give it a second read someday.
 
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SlutLiberationFront said:
This read is worth it. This is why long threads barely get any replies. No one reads more than 2 lines. Understand if there is no interest, but when it is something worth reading, something honest and raw, it should be read word by word.
I fucking hate reading, but I took the time to even read My Twisted World in ONE SITTING continuously non-stop. I will give it a second read someday.
Just read it all, sounds like my life it made me almost cry :fuk:tbh.
 
ordinaryotaku

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I read every word, I genuinely feel bad for you. No one deserves to have that kind of life. :fuk:

You do write very eloquently, too. I think you should definitely pursue a career as a writer.
 
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ordinaryotaku said:
You do write very eloquently, too. I think you should definitely pursue a career as a writer.
Don't know how to start that story, it is too abstract and autistic, don't know the climax, but I do know the downfall, but the ending... that's impossible. It should end with my death, I can't think of anything else about how such story would end. I have lots and lots and lots of things ready, dialogues, passages, lines of thoughts, separate texts/poetry, but everything is so abstract in language and terminology that is looks like complete gibberish made by a child. It's just too abstract.
But if I don't do it, I don't know what else I would write. I only get inspiration to write some wonderful thing no one would guess came from someone that uses such forum, from very, very dark moments.
In the darkest moments I have written the my best pieces of work. 2019 to 2021 were the absolute peak of them.
 
Portuguesecel

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This made me realise how lucky I have been, how much worse it could get.

Probably one of the most brutal things I have ever read, hang in there brocel.
 
SlutLiberationFront

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Portuguesecel said:
This made me realise how lucky I have been, how much worse it could get.

Probably one of the most brutal things I have ever read, hang in there brocel.
Some of my other ID threads are exactly like this, many of them, actually... pure suifuel. Shit is so absurd at some points that it gets to the unthinkable level.
I just don't even know how I am still here.
 
Emba

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My condolences bro
 
C&UNIX

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Perhaps focus on your writing which is really good.

Read Wikipedia articles that interest you and write Kindle books based on them but with your own views and opinions.

You might make some money and it might be rewarding.
 
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ordinaryotaku said:
You do write very eloquently, too. I think you should definitely pursue a career as a writer.
I was writting 2 manifestos, one "abstract" (my state of mind and all its delusions/copes created to deal and describe nature), and one about my life, like ER, and a final conclusion. Though, I have extremely poor memory and can't organize events according to my age in a consistent timeline like ER did due to his outstanding memory.
C&UNIX said:
Perhaps focus on your writing which is really good.

Read Wikipedia articles that interest you and write Kindle books based on them but with your own views and opinions.

You might make some money and it might be rewarding.
Like I said, nothing really interests me. I have read tons and tons of articles out of curiosity and it was all extremely boring. I hate reading, but I love writing. I just don't know what to write since I've been unable to for a long time now and I don't really anything. I could continue writing about the fantasy world but as I said, it is all SO abstract and metaphorical that it looks like gibberish, made up words/sentences by a toddler. No one would waste time reading that, though, if I invest the necessary time, I can organize all my works into some kind of timeline where real life and fantasy meet, and then they overlap, and then to a point where everything is so confusing that nothing is known about what is real and what is not.

I have written extremely compelling stuff, but it all very secretive but those who read, liked, I'm not sure about the abstract works, though.
 
C&UNIX

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SlutLiberationFront said:
I was writting 2 manifestos, one "abstract" (my state of mind and all its delusions/copes created to deal and describe nature), and one about my life, like ER, and a final conclusion. Though, I have extremely poor memory and can't organize events according to my age in a consistent timeline like ER did due to his outstanding memory.

Like I said, nothing really interests me. I have read tons and tons of articles out of curiosity and it was all extremely boring. I hate reading, but I love writing. I just don't know what to write since I've been unable to for a long time now and I don't really anything. I could continue writing about the fantasy world but as I said, it is all SO abstract and metaphorical that it looks like gibberish, made up words/sentences by a toddler. No one would waste time reading that, though, if I invest the necessary time, I can organize all my works into some kind of timeline where real life and fantasy meet, and then they overlap, and then to a point where everything is so confusing that nothing is known about what is real and what is not.

I have written extremely compelling stuff, but it all very secretive but those who read, liked, I'm not sure about the abstract works, though.

Write Kindle books about secret societies and ancient religions like you have in your avatar or rework your fantasy world a little until you're happy with it.

These topics are always popular and add your own style and ideas.

Use pencil and paper instead of relying on your memory. Use a paper notebook to plan out your fiction or non fiction books. Kindle or any books don't have to be hundreds of pages long. Around a couple of dozen is enough.

Like why not take your original post and move it to Kindle and charge 1.99 GBP for it?

You're definitely a good writer. I read your post and it grips the mind and I was immersed into it.
 
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SlutLiberationFront

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C&UNIX said:
Write Kindle books about secret societies and ancient religions like you have in your avatar or rework your fantasy world a little until you're happy with it.

These topics are always popular and add your own style and ideas.

Use pencil and paper instead of relying on your memory. Use a paper notebook to plan out your fiction or non fiction books. Kindle or any books don't have to be hundreds of pages long. Around a couple of dozen is enough.

Like why not take your original post and move it to Kindle and charge 1.99 GBP for it?

You're definitely a good writer. I read your post and it grips the mind and I was immersed into it.
Thank you man. Very kind words. Charging for my works would be kinda lame if they were not VERY high level and worth it.
My past big threads on ID were all like this, very raw, brutally honest.
I'm still thinking about writermaxxing since literally everyone that has ever known me in any way told me to do it but I was always unable to. I thought about putting all my works in a linear timeline but I ran out of patience before even trying it, but I indeed can easily do it as I have everything saved with the exact dates they were made, so it would be easy, the problem is that there is a point in the story where reality merges so much with fantasy that everything is overlapped with made up terms and words.
Maybe my manifesto could be that and not what I was writing initially. It could be all my works merged into one with ending with my manifesto being the final chapter, the story of my life. The problem, is that it would ruin everything as they would see my true character, someone that looks hateful and says hateful things (which I'm really not, as I said, I don't hate people and sluts for having what I dont have with anger, I hate with bitterness, despair and sadness}. Hateful words sometimes vent better than typing some depressing thing, and all this sadness all these years had nowhere to go... no one to listen to or try to comprehend.
Actually, months ago I vented a bit to someone about all my problems, I actually showed emotions and it ended really, really badly. The person spent months judging me for what I have said, and then contacted me again just to offend me in every way possible using every word imaginable, before blocking me. It was humiliating and destroyed my will to trust anyone in the future. We can't even vent our problems and sadness without being judged and humiliated to oblivion.

I've had deep trust issues before, but this was too much.
 
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SlutLiberationFront

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C&UNIX said:
Write Kindle books about secret societies and ancient religions like you have in your avatar or rework your fantasy world a little until you're happy with it.

These topics are always popular and add your own style and ideas.

Use pencil and paper instead of relying on your memory. Use a paper notebook to plan out your fiction or non fiction books. Kindle or any books don't have to be hundreds of pages long. Around a couple of dozen is enough.

Like why not take your original post and move it to Kindle and charge 1.99 GBP for it?

You're definitely a good writer. I read your post and it grips the mind and I was immersed into it.
Interesting fact after re-reading your comment: the fantasy world I write about is secretly controlled and monitored (not in a bad way or spying) by secret societies with very... compelling names and they each have their own purpose, and none of them is bad. Can't talk too much about it unless I'm really going to release a book on it. It is a higher spiritual plane, every city is a stage of life or state of mind, and they all have names related to something in nature so the secret societies behind them, making sure that everything is alright. Everything has a meaning in that place, every word, expression, every thing has a secret meaning and a purpose to portray a feeling, a situation, a memory, state of mind or life.
It's extremely deep and profound stuff, I really want to do it but I severely lack motivation in my life to go forward with it and ideas. I would need tons of support for it, and with severe uncertainty, it would be a gigantic effort and it might be a giant flop and it lose time at the end of the day and make no money from it.
Sounds interesting, for sure, but would it hold up to the expectations of people would read superficially about the details? Not sure, everything is too abstract and extremely complex. And yes, I would actually need a ton of illustrations to make some expressions and terms make sense, having full dedicated pages to the illustrations.
 
Escthectrler

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SlutLiberationFront said:
Charging for my works would be kinda lame if they were not VERY high level and worth it.
You can turn your original post in this thread into a short story just by changing the main character to someone other than you and use it to get a high place in amateur writer competitions with ease IMO. It is that powerful, high level and worth it.

You may not believe it but when you put your mind to tell a story, you do it with raw emotions flooding that encapsulates the reader into the mind space you want to explain. That is a rare trait which is hard to find, even rarer to do such captivation with minimal exposition to the situation beforehand.

I'm not saying these to butter you up, these are my real opinions about your writing.
 
SlutLiberationFront

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Escthectrler said:
Wish it was, but unfortunately, as you should know for being in this forum, many of us have lived very sad and fucked up lives.
Advorsor said:
You can turn your original post in this thread into a short story just by changing the main character to someone other than you and use it to get a high place in amateur writer competitions with ease IMO. It is that powerful, high level and worth it.

You may not believe it but when you put your mind to tell a story, you do it with raw emotions flooding that encapsulates the reader into the mind space you want to explain. That is a rare trait which is hard to find, even rarer to do such captivation with minimal exposition to the situation beforehand.

I'm not saying these to butter you up, these are my real opinions about your writing.
Thank you a lot, it means a lot for me and receiving some support is always good, I feel much more positive on writermaxxing someday.
 
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Not a single pixel
 
Cope_Time

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Holy fuck, read every word. Kinda relatable, my life was a circus too, and ofc I'm the clown.
SlutLiberationFront said:
I envy everyone that has a life of their own. And for that, I hate everyone that has what I want but can't have. I hate everyone who is what I want and I can't be.
Agreed, I hate privileged people.

And of course, normies would say, but muh you should have worked for your corrupt leader while feeling like your soul is being drained, I know that feel, literally, don't hate yourself for this, this wasn't your fault.

Do you know Turin Truambar, this story reminded me this.
 
Arabcel9

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SlutLiberationFront said:
Good thread, almost no replies because no one actually read long posts. :feelsrope:
I promise you that ill read it before the end of this week , pinky-promise ! :feelsaww:
 
Escthectrler

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SlutLiberationFront said:
Wish it was, but unfortunately, as you should know for being in this forum, many of us have lived very sad and fucked up lives.

Thank you a lot, it means a lot for me and receiving some support is always good, I feel much more positive on writermaxxing someday.
lets play phantasy star online 2
 
K9Otaku

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SlutLiberationFront said:

Hello ID. I've not been posting here as often, as you know, I've migrated to the sewers still in June as this place is very sad and was making me even more depressed than I already was. But well, my threads were always known for being brutally honest, raw and profound with thinking when it came to venting stuff, so here is one more thread in that style. It is a long read so not everyone will read it, it is understandable. They usually were so long that some people called me autistic for writing that much on something meaningless, but what will I say? I am indeed autistic, I have no defense.​




As someone with heavy mental problems, I have faced many difficulties in my life, in all parts of it, chilhood, preteens, teens, and now in adult life.
I can't understand socialization, how to start or keep it. I can't get social cues, I can't recognise signs of what people actually mean. I can barely function like a normal person, everything I do is sit here and rot my life away in front of my computer.
My mental health got so bad while growing up that I was deemed INCAPABLE/INVALID for a job. Months ago, I decided to try again, I tried my best and hardest, and again I was deemed incapable, basically mentally disabled for a job, and the welfare here is not enough to even pay for the water at the end of the month, so how will I even live by myself when my mom dies as I depend on her?

View attachment 492817



A few weeks ago, I said "fuck everything, I will seek a job that looks cool and I always wanted to do and I will try to get into it!"
It stopped right then and there when I read all the requirements to even have a chance to apply to the job. Advanced math knowledge, mechanics, electricity and a bunch of other very complicated stuff apart from shit tons of theoretical knowledge. Needless to say that I have failed miserably multiple and multiple and multiple times at such areas in school. I tried hard, even paid for a very rigid private teacher, and several other teachers to help me with the things I needed and couldn't learn, and at the end... I couldn't learn. I failed 2 whole grades in middle school and had to lose 2 additional years of my life studying the same 2 grades again to pass them. That's just how weak my brain is, as if being autistic, paranoid schizophrenic, extremely anxious and depressed was not enough.

View attachment 492818



I have some extreme severe social phobia, I can barely talk to my mom, I can't look anyone in the eyes doesn't matter who it is, I answer with gestures/nodding my head or with single word responses, with a very quiet voice, practically whispering. My beheavior was always considered abnormal, always the weird kid. Needless to say how much bullying I had to endure in my early years and having the titanium nerves not to take my life before age 12 because I was more than ready for it as I knew where my father kept his guns. He was a cop, died in service while I was growing up, severely damaging me for the rest of my life as he was the person I was most attached to. I would dress exactly like him when we were going out, I would insist in going in whatever place he was going, even if it was boring just because I wanted to be near him. He was god in my eyes, fought all adversities to keep food on the table with an extremely dangerous job in an extremely dangerous place due to extreme crime at the time, and even created my brother, who was not his biological son, as his own son, better than his own biological father who couldn't care less. My brother loved him more than he loved his own biological father.

September 10th completed 14 years since his death. The day went by fast, and I still remember that day/night. I had removed a tooth, and was happy about it, and was trying to call him to tell him about it, but he would not pick up. By the time I was calling him, he was already dead while he was in service, I only knew about it through a visit from his best friend the next day, and minutes lates I was going to the cemetery for the funeral. I was crying so much I couldn't even keep my eyes open or even breathe. The person that cared for that family and fought the adversities and dangers of that era with everything he had, gave us a roof, food, transportation, education, clothes, love, fun trips to the beach of the mountains... was gone. I was just 12, my birthdat was just exactly 1 week before and his birthday would be 8 days later, we were preparing for it. The person I would go everywhere with, the person who was a type of "mirror" for me, someone I would like to be like, was dead, was never goingto see him again. I couldn't even look at the casket, as I said, I was crying so much I couldn't even keep my eyes open, but I do have a very, very faint image of him lying there.
People at the funeral said that he had an expression of peace. Well, he indeed was very happy the week before he passed, we indeed had never seen him that happy before. Barbecues, some occasional fast food he would bring us, gifts for us and everything.
I remember the last day with him. I was ready for school and he came home to pick me up with the police car to take me to school. He did a thing that was not usual during that time, but he had some time off so he did it. He took us to eat in a good restaurant before finally leaving me at school. I opened the car door when we arrived, and I said "bye dad". Little I knew that would be the last time I would see him alive. The person I looked up the most in life... was no more. And life was never the same, things got very, very difficult for a long time, there was a time we were going to starve because my mom's income was not enough. Both her and my father worked but we had so many things to pay that my mom's income was just not enough to save for food and basic things. The house was very expensive and there were many other things to pay unrelated to it.
That day was very weird, there was some strange aurea in everything, the color of the sky, the winds, something with the trees. The time to go home was there, time passed and passed and he didn't show up. I stayed alone in school for hours waiting for him. I was there for so long that even the staff left and I was left at the house of the owner of the school, my mom ended picking me up, it was already nighttime by then, and it all felt very off, like... something as wrong, everything felt so wrong and strange yet nor my mom or me knew anything. She just had an argument with him earlier because he didn't pick me up, as he said he was stuck on the job, I think.

The funeral was... otherwordly. I have no words to describe. So many people there, people from the corporation and such, friends, family... there was a helicoper flying above the cemetery, with the officers in it throwing roses at the ground and above us. The usual gunshots with the gun salute and all.

Something exactly like this since he was once member of the special forces:

View attachment 492819
View attachment 492820

The difference that the guns used in the gun salute were 7.62 rifles so it was LOUD AS GOD DAMN FUCK.



During my time in school, I would be the first to get in the classroom, and I would not leave even in the break time, to stay alone and away from everyone to avoid people looking at me, laughing and things like that. Even when it was time to go home, I would still not leave the classroom until the school was completely empty with only the school staff in it. Sometimes I would help the cleaning lady organizing stuff and cleaning stuff as well, just so I could leave school alone without anyone seeing me or me having to look at people and feel the utter dread and despair to know that I will never be like them, I will never live like them, I will never have what they have, a social life, a circle of friends, not being excluded. I imagine what it must feel like to have an actual life with friends, fun, a girlfriend, people to share stuff with, laugh, having support and knowing that you are actually in company.
I've been isolated in my room for 8 years now counting from when I simply gave up on school as I couldn't take it anymore, I was TOO suicidal at the time, I had to get out of there. My isolation started in 2007, but it only got very, very real in 2013.
After giving up and staying home in peace shortly after I felt a lot better, but it didn't last long, very heavy depression kicked in again stronger than ever.

I kept remembering this girl from my class who I met 2 years earlier that I would always argue with because she was so annoying to me with her friend, and we almost got in physical fights.
In 2013 she changed and was not that annoying girl anymore, since she didn't talk to the other girl and it was the other girl who was inducing her to be that annoying to me, and everyone would pick on me, not only them.
Anyway, she seemed like a really cool person. I had writings in my notebook talking about how I felt and how I viewed the world, she read it all and I didn't know it, she took my notebook and read it without me knowing. A day later, she writes me a letter saying that I am very different from everyone else in a good way because I know that nothing is what it looks like, including people, and she offered me help, to talk to and vent. She was the first person ever to recognise I was trully depressed. I didn't really have time to be friends with her because shortly after tragedy struck... I missed school for 1 day, and that day I missed, she died. The next day I was in school I received the news, I was in complete disbelief, shocked and speechless.
I refused to believe it and thought it was a tasteless joke as someone who lost a valuable person in my life, but it was very real and things went down when one of her friends showed the facebook post of her mom stating about the girl's death. I couldn't read even the first sentence. I immediately lost my breath and turned into a rock, I was pretrified. The only person that offered me help and saw I was depressed was now gone. I packed my things and left the classroom without giving a fuck about what the teacher was saying to me.
I just sat in the chairs in the corridor, looking out the windows and thinking about everything. I was questioning the very fabric of reality. I lost a potential friend I could have, as I didn't even have time to become friends with her.

To this day, I still have the 2 letters she wrote me talking about how special it was for me in such place in the world to see things how they were and how my perception was actually right, and that I shouldn't feel too bad because I was not alone. Sometimes I pick the papers up, read them and somehow think that part of her essence is still there... she touched the papers after all, it's like part of her is still alive in this world, it is her handwriting with pieces of paper from her own notebook. It was something that was once hers.
Her facebook memorial page does not exist anymore, and I almost don't remember what she looked like, but the faint memories I have of her still haunt me.
I imagine if there is an afterlife and she looks at me, along with my father in utter disappointment seeing what I've become, in a state I cannot get out of.

View attachment 492822



In 2014 I got in and even darker pit and things only got worse from there, I tried to end my life 2 times, unsuccessfully. The years after were gruesomely soul draining with an indescribable amount of despair consuming my soul non-stop every living second I had awake. Every time I would sleep up to 17 hours I would be glad because I had skipped so many hours being awake feeling like my very soul was being drained from my body and only leaving behind the dark energy that was depression and despair that I had within me for years intensified 10 thousand fold.
In 2020 things dropped... I started to really lose my sanity and wrote the most insane things I have ever written to date. I was writing non-stop for hours and nothing of it made sense. Of course, for me it did, but not for anyone else as I had made my own terms, expressions and exchange of words to talk about anything without people knowing what I am actually talking about, and making it look like I am talking non-sense or something beautiful about the universe or nature. This has arised from an useless talent I have that is creative writing, but the things I write are so complex and autistic that they are simply useless, but people liked it anyway and everyone that knew me told me a million times to write a book. I have an extremely original idea but I have no idea how to write it or organize the story as it is so complex and involves so many abstract things and words. I don't even know how to make the ending or anything, but the idea is just so beautiful and never thought of.
Could I writermaxx? Possibly, but it would take my entire life to do it and very possibly be very unsuccessful due to the complexity and the level of autism that are the things I wrote. I just don't know how I would ever write that book even if I had a billion years to live. Thus, an investiment of many years would end up in utter failure and I would get nothing in return. The appreciation I got for the things I wrote that were made to actually make sense got a fuckton of praise because they are really beautiful, no one would imagine they came from a person like me that posts on such forum. The astounding depth of some of the things I written could only be described as multidimensional despair/love and other things (I wrote about many things, from everyday life, to love, to loss, to grief, happiness, dreams, fantasy, the divine-like energy of nature... so. many. things.)

I just think that with the brain I have I am a total waste of a potential talent (again, useless talent because most things I write don't make any sense for anyone except me). My way of writing is extremely unique as I said I have developed a whole new universe of language and symbolism to refer to things, people, events, feelings, songs, seasons, nature...

View attachment 492823



Don't know what to say anymore. I have no direction in this life. I could never handle a normal job, especially in this country where we sometimes work up to 14 hours shifts per day without days off for months at a time to earn minimum wage that cannot pay even for the fucking electricity and they expect people to pay for every absurd tax, food, transportation, clothing and everything else.
Now, in 2021, things have descended to such level that there is no escape anymore. The dark pit I find myself in has no way out and I keep descending further into it. I have lost all and any faith in the world or in people. I have seen how brutal it is, I have seen what people do to each other. I have seen what people go through to live with the bare minimum with inhumane efforts that should grant them 10x more than enough to live like they should. I don't want that for my life, I don't. I can't imagine living my life like that or living the rest of my life rotting here. And there is nothing I can do. From now on, I can only descend further and further. It's a descending spiral that only ends with my end... my death.

View attachment 492831



I don't believe in this world anymore, I can't trust anyone. I can't get out of this state of mind and people have advised me to stop using social media and everything related to it.
I hate to see people having what I can't have and living what I can't live. Even if they are short on money, at least they have something that money will never buy and something that I can't have, that is; sanity, friends, a fulfilled life with fulfilled desires, company, affection, conversations, a "busy" (in a good way) life that can't let you down for long as there is always something up. A circle of friends, trips, relationships, being heard, listened to, understood, compliments, people by their side.
I never get any of that. My life has been extremely lonely for a long time. I saw a friend in May of this year after 7 years I didn't see him personally. Before that, I had last seen a friend in 2016. From there on, I only talked to my mom, and never left the house unless I had literally no other option.

I'm completely unfit for any job, I have learning disabilities so I can't study to learn anything, even if I learned something, how would I work being deemed incapable?
I can't keep any conversation, I'm ugly, I am more than 55lbs (25kg) underweight for my height and age, and I am already short, so I can't bare going out and thinking everyone is looking at me and thinking about how weird I am, laughing in silence and judging me, happened before many times.
I have even been catfished by one of the people I played with because of my perceived emotional vulnerability and depression, thus being easy to manipulate. It was humiliating and I will never forget or forgive it. Things like these traumatized me to hell and back trusting people.
I can't have a job, can't keep actual friendships, people despise me because I'm old and still live with my mom, not because I want, but because I have no other option, I am not fit for a job let alone living by myself. So what is even the purpose of living if I can't go forward? I don't want to rot on this chair for the rest of my life, whatever much time I may have.
There is just no reason, I can't go out, nothing for me ever goes in the right direction, can't have a job, can't learn basic tasks... what am I supposed to do?

I'm sure someone would tell me to get some kind of online job... well, yes, but you still need to learn things and take responsibility. I can't take responsibility. I have an actual phobia of responsibility to the point that I can't even decide what to pick to eat sometimes, imagine having a commitment to make a living. And just to make things clear, I have already tried, from programming, to coding, to web design/development but I can't understand the concepts, language or math, I just can't, it does not get into my brain does not matter what and I got tired from trying. I thought about making a youtube channel to talk about many different random subjects, but for that, I would need a lot of creativity for the scripts, time to research topics and animation skills which again, I tried and couldn't learn and I can't seem to learn anything I ever try in this life, but I do have the knowledge to edit videos and have edited hundreds of videos since 2010, but I would need much more advanced editing that take a lot of time and training, and of course, memory (which I don't have) to remember the steps, apart from the tools. Also, what would be the chance to actually garner an audience for the channel to grow enough for me to get paid enough to make a living on my own? Close to 0, as there are way too many people doing that already and you need to be extra special and different in some way to attract people, and very creative, something I AM NOT. Don't forget to acknowledge the fantastical youtube channels with astounding content/editing/script/everything done very professionally that have barely any views. Very high effort things and they don't get paid enough to pay for their weekly meals. So what would be the chance of an autistic, talentless, uncreative idiot to garner any audience on a consistent basis to a point where I can make a living instead of a normal job since I can't do one and live by myself? 0. Exactly 0.

I envy everyone that has a life of their own. And for that, I hate everyone that has what I want but can't have. I hate everyone who is what I want and I can't be.
I hate myself and my life. Everything was decided the moment of my conception and over before starting. I was condemned to all of this from the beginning of time. A life of loneliness, rejection, emotional humiliation, isolation, being humiliated by the lives of other people that won at life.
It's hard, very hard to accept the fact that my life was decided the moment I was conceived. I never stood a chance. I don't hate with "anger", I hate with bitterness for acknowledging that I will never achieving anything, I hate with sadness and despair.

I feel like I am in a brigde in the middle of an eternal foggy morning. A bridge that leads to nowhere... I can't see the end of it, and I don't know when my life will end. Because that is what my life is... it will lead nowhere, I can't go nowhere, I feel I am in nowhere and will end up in nowhere. The fog is a mere representation of the distance that I am from reality right now. A reality I wish I was in, with enjoyment, happiness and fulfillment. But the fog is always there hindering the vision and acting as a barrier stopping me from ever getting to it, and as I am in the bridge, I have to follow it... to nowhere, excatly where my life is going.

View attachment 492826



I feel stuck. Stuck in time. Every day is just the same as every other day. There is never anything different. What was different today from the same day 3 years ago? Nothing, it was the same, I did the same things. Every day is the same day, every thing feels the same. Distant, foggy, dream-like, surreal, timeless.
It feels like... time just stopped for me while everyone else is going forwards.

View attachment 492816



There is nothing that I can cope with anymore, playing games, watching movies, writing, nothing, NOTHING helps me at this point anymore. My life is a perpetual, endless cycle of dullness, boredom and emptiness with no end in sight. Nothing ever looks or feels exciting.
Many people say that the purpose of living is being happy and doing what you like, but, what to do when nothing makes you happy or there is nothing that you actually like?

That is what my life is. Empty. My bedroom is filled with stuff. A TV, bed, everything a normal room has, but a person? Yes, the person is me, everyone is a person, but the person living in this room has lost its soul, so its empty, it's just a body living on automatic mode.
What is a thing that only exists superficially, something soulless? Just an object. And that is what I am now, just a body. I don't even feel human anymore.

I feel dead. I feel like a ghost. I feel like my body is just a tool, and the real me is a ghost also stuck in this room observing myself, haunting my own thoughts, my own place, haunting my own memories and the times I am fond of. A ghost that keeps haunting an alternate reality, fantasising what my life could have been if everything was different and right. I live just dreaming, imagining, but never actually getting to the real thing as nothing feels real anymore and nothing could ever get real at this point, I crossed the point of no return long ago, there was never a return to begin with. I spend my time daydreaming about a fantasy world where eveything is possible, there is control, but even then, there is sadness and despair.

Sometimes I feel like I touch the world not with what I have, but as an echo of what I once was, in a way, just a faded memory of something that could ONLY HAVE BEEN, but never was.

Humanity in me does not exist anymore, as in order to be a human, you need a soul, a purpose, and I have none.

View attachment 492825
I do not think you have any genuine (genetic) mental disability. You have just been badly brought up in a culture that is broken.

What you need is re-education. And of course avoid all contact with psychiatrists/psychologists ...
 
kekfuel

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u sound bluepilled and still clinging onto hope based on unrealistic expectations
like others said u have a knack for writing and ur still coming up with all these dumb excuses to NOT do it, i get that rotting makes u unmotivated and gives you any excuse u can throw in order to not abandon the ldaring lifestyle that becomes the core of your existence
something i realized when i was in late stage ldar is that (i still do to some extent) NOBODY will reach out to you, nobody from you past, no family, no friends etc. People are narcissistic npcs that gives 0 shit about things that dont relate to them
keep in mind that ur alone and nothing will change until you act because nobody gives enough of a shit to give you a hand

based on your writing, you dont come across as mentally retarded or having any severe disability, theres very likely something for you to do and devote time to and writing could very well be that. Theres only one way to find out if you can make something out of it and that is to give it a shot, ur life is dogshit and theres not much to lose by trying. Ldaring is a shitty existence and anyone is better off dead, at least in death you dont have to wake up to take a piss or shit

this is the reality of the world and what it means to be blackpilled, you dont have to accept it, but u do have to acknowledge it and act accordingly to make it a somewhat less shitty experience
 
stravinsky

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Have you tried some psychedelics at heavy dosage? That shit was made for fucked up people like you (and me, maybe for different reasons though, how bad is your face?)..

Try them before tucking yourself into bed for the big sleep at least. :feelsLSD:
 
SlutLiberationFront

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kekfuel said:
u sound bluepilled and still clinging onto hope based on unrealistic expectations
like others said u have a knack for writing and ur still coming up with all these dumb excuses to NOT do it, i get that rotting makes u unmotivated and gives you any excuse u can throw in order to not abandon the ldaring lifestyle that becomes the core of your existence
something i realized when i was in late stage ldar is that (i still do to some extent) NOBODY will reach out to you, nobody from you past, no family, no friends etc. People are narcissistic npcs that gives 0 shit about things that dont relate to them
keep in mind that ur alone and nothing will change until you act because nobody gives enough of a shit to give you a hand

based on your writing, you dont come across as mentally retarded or having any severe disability, theres very likely something for you to do and devote time to and writing could very well be that. Theres only one way to find out if you can make something out of it and that is to give it a shot, ur life is dogshit and theres not much to lose by trying. Ldaring is a shitty existence and anyone is better off dead, at least in death you dont have to wake up to take a piss or shit

this is the reality of the world and what it means to be blackpilled, you dont have to accept it, but u do have to acknowledge it and act accordingly to make it a somewhat less shitty experience
Admirable reply with brutally honest words. That's what I really appreciate in people, their brutal honesty and actually saying what they think regardless if the other person is ok, honesty is everything, be it to say something good or not.

I've been in super late stage LDAR, wanting to rope more than ever and just trying to find something before I do it someday. Tried to get out of it but didn't work, unfortunately. I've already tried to writermaxx a lot of times and failed miserably every single time. My 2 manifestos, for example, have not seen a new word in several months. All I was capable of coming up with were random blocks of text talking about different things in a poetic perspective (I hate poetry and its nature of cringe fancy words and rhyming). If I had my book, it would just be a series of blocks of texts like I said, and someone maybe would take some excerpts to use as quotes, as many of them have very quotable material.

But thanks a lot for your utmost and brutal sincerity, that's what being true to yourself and others actually is. People are more real here in this virtual place than in real life and don't hold their words back.
stravinsky said:
Have you tried some psychedelics at heavy dosage? That shit was made for fucked up people like you (and me, maybe for different reasons though, how bad is your face?)..

Try them before tucking yourself into bed for the big sleep at least. :feelsLSD:
I don't want to try that, I have schizophrenia and it could permanently fuck my brain up in unimaginable ways.
Not doing that shit unless I'm more than fucking sure I'm gonna rope and will do shit without caring because I'm gonna go later anyway.

My face is really fat and round, gigantic cheeks, it looks tragically comical and big reason for the bullying in my realy life. I'm skinny as god damn hell but my fat is super fat and round, how the fuck did I inherit such clown genes is beyond me. Meanwhile my brother, even as a manlet, became a Chadlet, got to slay pussies in the entire city and nearby cities everywhere he would go, everyone would throw themselves in his feet, he didn't even had to try or making any move because the girls would do it all. I hate him so much. Fuck this universe and fuck genetics.
 
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I just read that. I don't know what to say about all of that, tbh. And I wonder what country you are from and what your height is.
 
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I love the illustrations:forcedsmile:
 
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I want to believe said:
I just read that. I don't know what to say about all of that, tbh. And I wonder what country you are from and what your height is.
1,75m - 5'9". Average according to the statistics but it's dubious. Every time I go out I get height mogged to another universe by people much younger than me.
 
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SlutLiberationFront said:
1,75m - 5'9". Average according to the statistics but it's dubious. Every time I go out I get height mogged to another universe by people much younger than me.
They may be on roids or something. :redpill:
 
SlutLiberationFront

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jetblack cel said:
I love the illustrations:forcedsmile:
I have some feelings that sometimes allow me to choose good images for the things I want to write.
 
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SlutLiberationFront said:
I have some feelings that sometimes allow me to choose good images for the things I want to write.
It is good for brocels like me who cannot read the text but only view the images. :forcedsmile:
 
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SlutLiberationFront said:
1,75m - 5'9". Average according to the statistics but it's dubious. Every time I go out I get height mogged to another universe by people much younger than me.
I mean, if you live in a kinda white country, then it's obvious. Even the average boomer is taller than 5'9/175 in such countries.
Btw, if your brother is Chadlet, it seems to me you're not ugly. So, you need to lose some weight in case you want to improve your situation.
 
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SlutLiberationFront

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I want to believe said:
So, you need to lose some weight in case you want to improve your situation.
55lb+ (25kg) underweight and I'm gonna lose some more weight to improve my situation. Sure that bro!
 
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SlutLiberationFront said:
55lb+ (25kg) underweight and I'm gonna lose some more weight to improve my situation. Sure that bro!
Sorry. I just read it as "overweight" for some reason. Don't be mad at me please. Just usually people complain about being overweight and shit, you know.
Well. It's better to be underweight than overweight, I think. And maybe you just have light-weight bones, so maybe you're not that anorexic.
I mean, I've seen pictures of a 190/60 (6'3/132 lbs) and he looked muscular meanwhile I look skinny fat and I'm of the same weight and way shorter than him.
 
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Defetivecuckachu said:
Holy fuck. I wish I had something to say that would mean something to you.
SlutLiberationFront said:
55lb+ (25kg) underweight and I'm gonna lose some more weight to improve my situation. Sure that bro!
Just die from anorexia theory.
 
CWCville gentrifier

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I don't know why people here keep praising your writing... I mean, what is this, literary review corner? I bet most of you are just intimidated by big sentences and paragraphs :feelskek:
I'm talking out of my ass here, but writemaxxing seems like a bad cope. Most notable authors are privileged as fuck, have led good lives and have a lot more going for them than just books, you can't write shit if you don't have anything else.

No matter how blackpilled you say you think you are, fundamentally you're still hanging on. Why would you even write up your entire post if this wasn't the case? You said so yourself, you're still waiting for something, just like most of us.

Also, you kinda mog me because I never had any meaningful connections and relationships, and you're 5 cm taller than me :feelsrope:
 
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CWCville gentrifier said:
I don't know why people here keep praising your writing... I mean, what is this, literary review corner? I bet most of you are just intimidated by big sentences and paragraphs :feelskek:
I'm talking out of my ass here, but writemaxxing seems like a bad cope. Most notable authors are privileged as fuck, have led good lives and have a lot more going for them than just books, you can't write shit if you don't have anything else.

No matter how blackpilled you say you think you are, fundamentally you're still hanging on. Why would you even write up your entire post if this wasn't the case? You said so yourself, you're still waiting for something, just like most of us.

Also, you kinda mog me because I never had any meaningful connections and relationships, and you're 5 cm taller than me :feelsrope:
And most authors were completely unknown and so were their works, but still praised by a cult public for some memorable quotes on many aspects of life.
I'm not hanging on anymore, last week my hopes were completely destroyed after a tragic event and now I'm again at the verge of suicide but I can't do it if none of my intended works, my 2 manifestos, are even close to ready, they have barely anything to them and I didn't work on them for months, imgine writing a book I don't know how to start or end, or how I would even tell the story, it's just impossible to bring my idea to life.
I wrote my entire post to... vent? Is not the venting tag made for this? So everyone who writes anything here close to this is just hanging on? I'm not hanging on, I'm on autopilot. I basically spent more than 24 hours on bed from yesterday to today. I skipped even my mother's birthday commemoration.

I might be taller than you, but I get height mogged to another universe and back by everyone everywhere when I go out, even by 14-year-olds, so what good is that?
 
reav3r112

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SlutLiberationFront said:

Hello ID. I've not been posting here as often, as you know, I've migrated to the sewers still in June as this place is very sad and was making me even more depressed than I already was. But well, my threads were always known for being brutally honest, raw and profound with thinking when it came to venting stuff, so here is one more thread in that style. It is a long read so not everyone will read it, it is understandable. They usually were so long that some people called me autistic for writing that much on something meaningless, but what will I say? I am indeed autistic, I have no defense.​




As someone with heavy mental problems, I have faced many difficulties in my life, in all parts of it, chilhood, preteens, teens, and now in adult life.
I can't understand socialization, how to start or keep it. I can't get social cues, I can't recognise signs of what people actually mean. I can barely function like a normal person, everything I do is sit here and rot my life away in front of my computer.
My mental health got so bad while growing up that I was deemed INCAPABLE/INVALID for a job. Months ago, I decided to try again, I tried my best and hardest, and again I was deemed incapable, basically mentally disabled for a job, and the welfare here is not enough to even pay for the water at the end of the month, so how will I even live by myself when my mom dies as I depend on her?

View attachment 492817



A few weeks ago, I said "fuck everything, I will seek a job that looks cool and I always wanted to do and I will try to get into it!"
It stopped right then and there when I read all the requirements to even have a chance to apply to the job. Advanced math knowledge, mechanics, electricity and a bunch of other very complicated stuff apart from shit tons of theoretical knowledge. Needless to say that I have failed miserably multiple and multiple and multiple times at such areas in school. I tried hard, even paid for a very rigid private teacher, and several other teachers to help me with the things I needed and couldn't learn, and at the end... I couldn't learn. I failed 2 whole grades in middle school and had to lose 2 additional years of my life studying the same 2 grades again to pass them. That's just how weak my brain is, as if being autistic, paranoid schizophrenic, extremely anxious and depressed was not enough.

View attachment 492818



I have some extreme severe social phobia, I can barely talk to my mom, I can't look anyone in the eyes doesn't matter who it is, I answer with gestures/nodding my head or with single word responses, with a very quiet voice, practically whispering. My beheavior was always considered abnormal, always the weird kid. Needless to say how much bullying I had to endure in my early years and having the titanium nerves not to take my life before age 12 because I was more than ready for it as I knew where my father kept his guns. He was a cop, died in service while I was growing up, severely damaging me for the rest of my life as he was the person I was most attached to. I would dress exactly like him when we were going out, I would insist in going in whatever place he was going, even if it was boring just because I wanted to be near him. He was god in my eyes, fought all adversities to keep food on the table with an extremely dangerous job in an extremely dangerous place due to extreme crime at the time, and even created my brother, who was not his biological son, as his own son, better than his own biological father who couldn't care less. My brother loved him more than he loved his own biological father.

September 10th completed 14 years since his death. The day went by fast, and I still remember that day/night. I had removed a tooth, and was happy about it, and was trying to call him to tell him about it, but he would not pick up. By the time I was calling him, he was already dead while he was in service, I only knew about it through a visit from his best friend the next day, and minutes lates I was going to the cemetery for the funeral. I was crying so much I couldn't even keep my eyes open or even breathe. The person that cared for that family and fought the adversities and dangers of that era with everything he had, gave us a roof, food, transportation, education, clothes, love, fun trips to the beach of the mountains... was gone. I was just 12, my birthdat was just exactly 1 week before and his birthday would be 8 days later, we were preparing for it. The person I would go everywhere with, the person who was a type of "mirror" for me, someone I would like to be like, was dead, was never goingto see him again. I couldn't even look at the casket, as I said, I was crying so much I couldn't even keep my eyes open, but I do have a very, very faint image of him lying there.
People at the funeral said that he had an expression of peace. Well, he indeed was very happy the week before he passed, we indeed had never seen him that happy before. Barbecues, some occasional fast food he would bring us, gifts for us and everything.
I remember the last day with him. I was ready for school and he came home to pick me up with the police car to take me to school. He did a thing that was not usual during that time, but he had some time off so he did it. He took us to eat in a good restaurant before finally leaving me at school. I opened the car door when we arrived, and I said "bye dad". Little I knew that would be the last time I would see him alive. The person I looked up the most in life... was no more. And life was never the same, things got very, very difficult for a long time, there was a time we were going to starve because my mom's income was not enough. Both her and my father worked but we had so many things to pay that my mom's income was just not enough to save for food and basic things. The house was very expensive and there were many other things to pay unrelated to it.
That day was very weird, there was some strange aurea in everything, the color of the sky, the winds, something with the trees. The time to go home was there, time passed and passed and he didn't show up. I stayed alone in school for hours waiting for him. I was there for so long that even the staff left and I was left at the house of the owner of the school, my mom ended picking me up, it was already nighttime by then, and it all felt very off, like... something as wrong, everything felt so wrong and strange yet nor my mom or me knew anything. She just had an argument with him earlier because he didn't pick me up, as he said he was stuck on the job, I think.

The funeral was... otherwordly. I have no words to describe. So many people there, people from the corporation and such, friends, family... there was a helicoper flying above the cemetery, with the officers in it throwing roses at the ground and above us. The usual gunshots with the gun salute and all.

Something exactly like this since he was once member of the special forces:

View attachment 492819
View attachment 492820

The difference that the guns used in the gun salute were 7.62 rifles so it was LOUD AS GOD DAMN FUCK.



During my time in school, I would be the first to get in the classroom, and I would not leave even in the break time, to stay alone and away from everyone to avoid people looking at me, laughing and things like that. Even when it was time to go home, I would still not leave the classroom until the school was completely empty with only the school staff in it. Sometimes I would help the cleaning lady organizing stuff and cleaning stuff as well, just so I could leave school alone without anyone seeing me or me having to look at people and feel the utter dread and despair to know that I will never be like them, I will never live like them, I will never have what they have, a social life, a circle of friends, not being excluded. I imagine what it must feel like to have an actual life with friends, fun, a girlfriend, people to share stuff with, laugh, having support and knowing that you are actually in company.
I've been isolated in my room for 8 years now counting from when I simply gave up on school as I couldn't take it anymore, I was TOO suicidal at the time, I had to get out of there. My isolation started in 2007, but it only got very, very real in 2013.
After giving up and staying home in peace shortly after I felt a lot better, but it didn't last long, very heavy depression kicked in again stronger than ever.

I kept remembering this girl from my class who I met 2 years earlier that I would always argue with because she was so annoying to me with her friend, and we almost got in physical fights.
In 2013 she changed and was not that annoying girl anymore, since she didn't talk to the other girl and it was the other girl who was inducing her to be that annoying to me, and everyone would pick on me, not only them.
Anyway, she seemed like a really cool person. I had writings in my notebook talking about how I felt and how I viewed the world, she read it all and I didn't know it, she took my notebook and read it without me knowing. A day later, she writes me a letter saying that I am very different from everyone else in a good way because I know that nothing is what it looks like, including people, and she offered me help, to talk to and vent. She was the first person ever to recognise I was trully depressed. I didn't really have time to be friends with her because shortly after tragedy struck... I missed school for 1 day, and that day I missed, she died. The next day I was in school I received the news, I was in complete disbelief, shocked and speechless.
I refused to believe it and thought it was a tasteless joke as someone who lost a valuable person in my life, but it was very real and things went down when one of her friends showed the facebook post of her mom stating about the girl's death. I couldn't read even the first sentence. I immediately lost my breath and turned into a rock, I was pretrified. The only person that offered me help and saw I was depressed was now gone. I packed my things and left the classroom without giving a fuck about what the teacher was saying to me.
I just sat in the chairs in the corridor, looking out the windows and thinking about everything. I was questioning the very fabric of reality. I lost a potential friend I could have, as I didn't even have time to become friends with her.

To this day, I still have the 2 letters she wrote me talking about how special it was for me in such place in the world to see things how they were and how my perception was actually right, and that I shouldn't feel too bad because I was not alone. Sometimes I pick the papers up, read them and somehow think that part of her essence is still there... she touched the papers after all, it's like part of her is still alive in this world, it is her handwriting with pieces of paper from her own notebook. It was something that was once hers.
Her facebook memorial page does not exist anymore, and I almost don't remember what she looked like, but the faint memories I have of her still haunt me.
I imagine if there is an afterlife and she looks at me, along with my father in utter disappointment seeing what I've become, in a state I cannot get out of.

View attachment 492822



In 2014 I got in and even darker pit and things only got worse from there, I tried to end my life 2 times, unsuccessfully. The years after were gruesomely soul draining with an indescribable amount of despair consuming my soul non-stop every living second I had awake. Every time I would sleep up to 17 hours I would be glad because I had skipped so many hours being awake feeling like my very soul was being drained from my body and only leaving behind the dark energy that was depression and despair that I had within me for years intensified 10 thousand fold.
In 2020 things dropped... I started to really lose my sanity and wrote the most insane things I have ever written to date. I was writing non-stop for hours and nothing of it made sense. Of course, for me it did, but not for anyone else as I had made my own terms, expressions and exchange of words to talk about anything without people knowing what I am actually talking about, and making it look like I am talking non-sense or something beautiful about the universe or nature. This has arised from an useless talent I have that is creative writing, but the things I write are so complex and autistic that they are simply useless, but people liked it anyway and everyone that knew me told me a million times to write a book. I have an extremely original idea but I have no idea how to write it or organize the story as it is so complex and involves so many abstract things and words. I don't even know how to make the ending or anything, but the idea is just so beautiful and never thought of.
Could I writermaxx? Possibly, but it would take my entire life to do it and very possibly be very unsuccessful due to the complexity and the level of autism that are the things I wrote. I just don't know how I would ever write that book even if I had a billion years to live. Thus, an investiment of many years would end up in utter failure and I would get nothing in return. The appreciation I got for the things I wrote that were made to actually make sense got a fuckton of praise because they are really beautiful, no one would imagine they came from a person like me that posts on such forum. The astounding depth of some of the things I written could only be described as multidimensional despair/love and other things (I wrote about many things, from everyday life, to love, to loss, to grief, happiness, dreams, fantasy, the divine-like energy of nature... so. many. things.)

I just think that with the brain I have I am a total waste of a potential talent (again, useless talent because most things I write don't make any sense for anyone except me). My way of writing is extremely unique as I said I have developed a whole new universe of language and symbolism to refer to things, people, events, feelings, songs, seasons, nature...

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Don't know what to say anymore. I have no direction in this life. I could never handle a normal job, especially in this country where we sometimes work up to 14 hours shifts per day without days off for months at a time to earn minimum wage that cannot pay even for the fucking electricity and they expect people to pay for every absurd tax, food, transportation, clothing and everything else.
Now, in 2021, things have descended to such level that there is no escape anymore. The dark pit I find myself in has no way out and I keep descending further into it. I have lost all and any faith in the world or in people. I have seen how brutal it is, I have seen what people do to each other. I have seen what people go through to live with the bare minimum with inhumane efforts that should grant them 10x more than enough to live like they should. I don't want that for my life, I don't. I can't imagine living my life like that or living the rest of my life rotting here. And there is nothing I can do. From now on, I can only descend further and further. It's a descending spiral that only ends with my end... my death.

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I don't believe in this world anymore, I can't trust anyone. I can't get out of this state of mind and people have advised me to stop using social media and everything related to it.
I hate to see people having what I can't have and living what I can't live. Even if they are short on money, at least they have something that money will never buy and something that I can't have, that is; sanity, friends, a fulfilled life with fulfilled desires, company, affection, conversations, a "busy" (in a good way) life that can't let you down for long as there is always something up. A circle of friends, trips, relationships, being heard, listened to, understood, compliments, people by their side.
I never get any of that. My life has been extremely lonely for a long time. I saw a friend in May of this year after 7 years I didn't see him personally. Before that, I had last seen a friend in 2016. From there on, I only talked to my mom, and never left the house unless I had literally no other option.

I'm completely unfit for any job, I have learning disabilities so I can't study to learn anything, even if I learned something, how would I work being deemed incapable?
I can't keep any conversation, I'm ugly, I am more than 55lbs (25kg) underweight for my height and age, and I am already short, so I can't bare going out and thinking everyone is looking at me and thinking about how weird I am, laughing in silence and judging me, happened before many times.
I have even been catfished by one of the people I played with because of my perceived emotional vulnerability and depression, thus being easy to manipulate. It was humiliating and I will never forget or forgive it. Things like these traumatized me to hell and back trusting people.
I can't have a job, can't keep actual friendships, people despise me because I'm old and still live with my mom, not because I want, but because I have no other option, I am not fit for a job let alone living by myself. So what is even the purpose of living if I can't go forward? I don't want to rot on this chair for the rest of my life, whatever much time I may have.
There is just no reason, I can't go out, nothing for me ever goes in the right direction, can't have a job, can't learn basic tasks... what am I supposed to do?

I'm sure someone would tell me to get some kind of online job... well, yes, but you still need to learn things and take responsibility. I can't take responsibility. I have an actual phobia of responsibility to the point that I can't even decide what to pick to eat sometimes, imagine having a commitment to make a living. And just to make things clear, I have already tried, from programming, to coding, to web design/development but I can't understand the concepts, language or math, I just can't, it does not get into my brain does not matter what and I got tired from trying. I thought about making a youtube channel to talk about many different random subjects, but for that, I would need a lot of creativity for the scripts, time to research topics and animation skills which again, I tried and couldn't learn and I can't seem to learn anything I ever try in this life, but I do have the knowledge to edit videos and have edited hundreds of videos since 2010, but I would need much more advanced editing that take a lot of time and training, and of course, memory (which I don't have) to remember the steps, apart from the tools. Also, what would be the chance to actually garner an audience for the channel to grow enough for me to get paid enough to make a living on my own? Close to 0, as there are way too many people doing that already and you need to be extra special and different in some way to attract people, and very creative, something I AM NOT. Don't forget to acknowledge the fantastical youtube channels with astounding content/editing/script/everything done very professionally that have barely any views. Very high effort things and they don't get paid enough to pay for their weekly meals. So what would be the chance of an autistic, talentless, uncreative idiot to garner any audience on a consistent basis to a point where I can make a living instead of a normal job since I can't do one and live by myself? 0. Exactly 0.

I envy everyone that has a life of their own. And for that, I hate everyone that has what I want but can't have. I hate everyone who is what I want and I can't be.
I hate myself and my life. Everything was decided the moment of my conception and over before starting. I was condemned to all of this from the beginning of time. A life of loneliness, rejection, emotional humiliation, isolation, being humiliated by the lives of other people that won at life.
It's hard, very hard to accept the fact that my life was decided the moment I was conceived. I never stood a chance. I don't hate with "anger", I hate with bitterness for acknowledging that I will never achieving anything, I hate with sadness and despair.

I feel like I am in a brigde in the middle of an eternal foggy morning. A bridge that leads to nowhere... I can't see the end of it, and I don't know when my life will end. Because that is what my life is... it will lead nowhere, I can't go nowhere, I feel I am in nowhere and will end up in nowhere. The fog is a mere representation of the distance that I am from reality right now. A reality I wish I was in, with enjoyment, happiness and fulfillment. But the fog is always there hindering the vision and acting as a barrier stopping me from ever getting to it, and as I am in the bridge, I have to follow it... to nowhere, excatly where my life is going.

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I feel stuck. Stuck in time. Every day is just the same as every other day. There is never anything different. What was different today from the same day 3 years ago? Nothing, it was the same, I did the same things. Every day is the same day, every thing feels the same. Distant, foggy, dream-like, surreal, timeless.
It feels like... time just stopped for me while everyone else is going forwards.

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There is nothing that I can cope with anymore, playing games, watching movies, writing, nothing, NOTHING helps me at this point anymore. My life is a perpetual, endless cycle of dullness, boredom and emptiness with no end in sight. Nothing ever looks or feels exciting.
Many people say that the purpose of living is being happy and doing what you like, but, what to do when nothing makes you happy or there is nothing that you actually like?

That is what my life is. Empty. My bedroom is filled with stuff. A TV, bed, everything a normal room has, but a person? Yes, the person is me, everyone is a person, but the person living in this room has lost its soul, so its empty, it's just a body living on automatic mode.
What is a thing that only exists superficially, something soulless? Just an object. And that is what I am now, just a body. I don't even feel human anymore.

I feel dead. I feel like a ghost. I feel like my body is just a tool, and the real me is a ghost also stuck in this room observing myself, haunting my own thoughts, my own place, haunting my own memories and the times I am fond of. A ghost that keeps haunting an alternate reality, fantasising what my life could have been if everything was different and right. I live just dreaming, imagining, but never actually getting to the real thing as nothing feels real anymore and nothing could ever get real at this point, I crossed the point of no return long ago, there was never a return to begin with. I spend my time daydreaming about a fantasy world where eveything is possible, there is control, but even then, there is sadness and despair.

Sometimes I feel like I touch the world not with what I have, but as an echo of what I once was, in a way, just a faded memory of something that could ONLY HAVE BEEN, but never was.

Humanity in me does not exist anymore, as in order to be a human, you need a soul, a purpose, and I have none.

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You’ve got to forget about people and just do your own thing. You are you. Look at what you have. A roof over your head. A place to sleep. Do the things you enjoy and just try to be happy. Do whatever you want and appreciate the freedoms you have. Theres people out there with a thousand times worse problems than you. You’ve got to enjoy yourself. Forget the past. Stop thinking so damn much. You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it. Also if you cant find work try a temp agency.
 
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