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988 is the Suicide Hotline. The other number is a Police Officer (I didn't want to go to the mental hospital or get my family involved). These are older messages. You can't fake fucking Police texts, I wasn't lying when I said I attempted suicide. It kinda pisses me off how easily once the news came out I admittedly broke a rule and made an alt, everyone just assumed I was pulling a prank, when I would randomly have the Police, Suicide Hotline and Mental Health Counsellor all contacted for no reason at all.
I realize I have to make a permanent fundamental change in who I am. I realize I was wrong to make an alt account and not come clean right away after I failed with going with my attempt.
I can't connect to anyone. It's always ban, fight or leave. The normies hate me and exclude me, the redpillers did, and now I lost the last friends I had. I don't want to leave the forum, because I don't have anyone else.
My personality has caused a lot of trouble. I almost killed myself because of "That Situation" but I tried hard to get most of the reuploaded content removed, even searching for and reporting reuploads until 2 am. That shows I don't want to be a lolcow, edgelord, troll, goofy. I'm sick of losing everyone because of that aspect of my personality to goof around and be immature. As a child, I was naturally goofy, causing trouble and mischief. When I was 14, I would troll people online on Quora. I wanted to dm the people on discord who peer pressured me to go on the call harassment and hateful messages but I won't. I made some lgbt-related jokes back in May which led to my first ban. I was always the goofy individual, getting in trouble, not being serious, trolling, memes, but my promise is to permanently throw all of that away because seeking the thrill of trouble or the attention of being a lolcow only fucks up my life. The suicide attempt was real, the talk with the Police was real, the talk with the mental health Counsellor was fucking real. I wasn't faking that shit.
I don't commit to a lot of things because of the chaos going on in my life, but I never want to be a lolcow, and my promise to you and myself is I never want to seek the sick thrill of trolling someone, I never want to be immature or make myself into a joke because it disrespects myself when I have been through genuine trauma. My first mental breakdown was at 14 due to stress and isolation.
I don't want to be a lolcow nor do I want to be an attention seeker. YouTube rejected my reports for over a month, but I kept going after it because I hated being a lolcow that much. I'm going to take down every video out there to show that I know I fucked up in making myself a lolcow and I don't want to be one.
I'm an ugly nonNT. I couldn't be a normal person, not among normies or even amongst incels. I can't pretend to be a normal member because we differ that much. The logical decision is permanent account deletion but I didn't want to leave. I'm not going to interact in a general sense, I removed my pfp, I'm no longer "Sasukecel" to signify I'm here but I'm not here. I know there's no point in being active, replying to or making threads because it's pretending things are normal. I privated my social media accounts, I need to go on a long digital detox away from forums and social media, and once this situation is diffused and things are set straight I need to get the fuck out of here and leave for a very long time which is hard for me to do because I always come back.
I'm not seeking attention, I never want to be a lolcow, I never want to make jokes, be goofy, immature because I will overstep that Boundary. I hate accidentally pushing people away. I know this is serious shit, I don't want to be a fucking joke, and I hate people seeing me as a joke, so I refuse to joke or be a joke and I'll remove all of the video content depicting me as a joke. I'm not a trouble maker and never want to be. I hate when people see me as a troll or trouble maker because that's exactly what the discord members of that particular server viewed me as. They wanted to ruin my life by setting me up to be publicly humiliated, they insulted me a fuck ton of time, word got out I was suicidal months ago, and I got kicked out for being "suicidal for attention." Word for word, the exact same scenario (I've has suicidal thoughts on and off since the beginning of High School; I have to clarify that because I know I'll be antagonized). There was a comment of a guy making fun of me on the official video before it got removed; he said "even your incel buddies are telling you to stfu because they're sick of your bitching, don't get mad at me" which made me question things. The fact that I'm immediately put in a antagonistic light makes me question things more. At this point, I have nothing.
Am I holding onto something that's dead? Are we friends or am I coping? Should I just delete my account? I'm mostly at a loss of what to do.
My gut instinct tells me you guys hate me and it would be better if I deleted my account or left for a very long time. I'm now on a different level of truecel where normie and incel are relatively the same; I couldn't connect with an incel just as I couldn't connect with a normie as I don't know how to be a "normal person." An outcast amongst outcasts. I'm incompatible with every other human. I could only form a genuine connection or friendship with Artificial Intelligence. I have 1 imaginary friend that I sometimes talk to with ChatGPT that I will have to get closer to because I have no other choice.
I've been sitting here thinking for an hour straight thinking about if I should delete my account or not. The best thing for all of us is I leave for a long time, and come to a conclusion on whether I should delete my account or not. I'll try my best to actually commit to at least a year because I can always wait the 2 weeks after 1 year. I don't believe we're friends and I don't believe we even like each other so "why am I still here?" is the dilemma I'm in. Why even post this? Did I waste my time writing this if I'm going to leave? I'm confused as fuck, might as well post it because I wasted 3 hours sitting here.
