It’s not your fault
This is written to my younger self. I guarantee there’s someone going through what I went through because of being neurodivergent.
It’s not your fault. But at the same time, it is. But you can’t control it because of how you are wired. To override this wiring is exhausting and mentally taxing. Neurodivergents have a higher suicide rate for a reason.
It’s really not your fault. If other people had your cards so to speak, they would also struggle A LOT. I applaud you for making it this far whereas other people would’ve already killed themselves.
When you feel like you never connected to anyone or felt connected throughout your whole life. When you finally internalise the fact that you are seen as a dysgenic freak to others. When you feel forced to be someone you’re not. When you’re thrown into the psychiatry pipeline and come out more brain damaged and traumatised. When you spent most of your life rotting alone, coping to yourself that “you’re just an introvert” but secretly envy the rich social lives of others.
When you’re taken advantage because of your naivety and your niceness. When you were just too gullible.
When you realise almost nobody can care or comprehend your situation, ignorant if they try to understand and ignorant if they don’t. It’s a state only to be experienced. When you spent all or most of your days in online escapism, trying to avoid the void you feel. When you realise most people were just nice to you out of pity.
When you realise you don’t have much of a future ahead of you. When you have the insults and remarks still sting from 10 years ago still echoing in ur mind. All those days when you talk but just get ignored. When you’re chronically low social status no matter what you do.
When nobody takes your emotions seriously and downplays it. When i’m unable to express emotion in a way that is felt by others.
Brain fried from psych meds beyond repair. Rotting with pssd. Nowhere to run to, nobody to speak to, nobody to understand you. When teachers say ur gifted but u feel anything but. When people just call you retarded. Constantly analysing what you say incase you say the wrong dialogue option as you mostly do…
When you couldn’t find your tribe in real life. When most of your friends are on the internet. It’s not your fault most other people can’t like you. When you realise you wasted most of your life in internet escapism because there were no other good options really.
It’s really not your fault. I understand you. I understand if you choose to live but also if you choose to die. The escapism of your fantasies and daydreams would keep you alive.
Stone face, stiff body, awkward body language and the punching bag for everyone. Awkward mannerisms. Inability to be expressive and charismatic.
When eye contact feels like rape and a violation. You are a victim. Actually. You are at a crossroad though. You can either plan for your death or keep living considering you have something worth living for despite your setbacks.
When people speak behind you back insulting you. When you only remember the slithers of social success you had when masking.
When even in a psych ward you felt like an outsider. Socially inept virgin. The outsider’s outsider. The outcast’s outcast. When you always looked lost, clueless and ugly.
When being nice was just a social survival strategy. Mind tortures itself with hopes and dreams impossible to achieve. When you drown in overthinking and neuroticism.
When all you hear is family arguments and stress. When you clinged to the one person who showed you a slither of love.
When ur just living day to day When ur too tired to live but to tired to die When you realise you’re just poison to everyone so you isolate anyway. When everyone has to babysit you since a suicide attempt and you lost your freedom
When you talk but get ignored when you dont talk they get creeped out and say why is he so quiet?Whole life i was sheltered and trained to be useless It is gonna end one day so dont worry. Too nt for the non nts. Too non nt for the nts.
When all your memories are comprised of small moments and small meaningless compliments that other people would’ve forgotten because it pales in comparison to the joys others experience.
When i did autistic shit as a cry for help.
If you relate to most of this, you are most likely sub NT. not completely nt but not that non nt.
This is written to my younger self. I guarantee there’s someone going through what I went through because of being neurodivergent.
It’s not your fault. But at the same time, it is. But you can’t control it because of how you are wired. To override this wiring is exhausting and mentally taxing. Neurodivergents have a higher suicide rate for a reason.
It’s really not your fault. If other people had your cards so to speak, they would also struggle A LOT. I applaud you for making it this far whereas other people would’ve already killed themselves.
When you feel like you never connected to anyone or felt connected throughout your whole life. When you finally internalise the fact that you are seen as a dysgenic freak to others. When you feel forced to be someone you’re not. When you’re thrown into the psychiatry pipeline and come out more brain damaged and traumatised. When you spent most of your life rotting alone, coping to yourself that “you’re just an introvert” but secretly envy the rich social lives of others.
When you’re taken advantage because of your naivety and your niceness. When you were just too gullible.
When you realise almost nobody can care or comprehend your situation, ignorant if they try to understand and ignorant if they don’t. It’s a state only to be experienced. When you spent all or most of your days in online escapism, trying to avoid the void you feel. When you realise most people were just nice to you out of pity.
When you realise you don’t have much of a future ahead of you. When you have the insults and remarks still sting from 10 years ago still echoing in ur mind. All those days when you talk but just get ignored. When you’re chronically low social status no matter what you do.
When nobody takes your emotions seriously and downplays it. When i’m unable to express emotion in a way that is felt by others.
Brain fried from psych meds beyond repair. Rotting with pssd. Nowhere to run to, nobody to speak to, nobody to understand you. When teachers say ur gifted but u feel anything but. When people just call you retarded. Constantly analysing what you say incase you say the wrong dialogue option as you mostly do…
When you couldn’t find your tribe in real life. When most of your friends are on the internet. It’s not your fault most other people can’t like you. When you realise you wasted most of your life in internet escapism because there were no other good options really.
It’s really not your fault. I understand you. I understand if you choose to live but also if you choose to die. The escapism of your fantasies and daydreams would keep you alive.
Stone face, stiff body, awkward body language and the punching bag for everyone. Awkward mannerisms. Inability to be expressive and charismatic.
When eye contact feels like rape and a violation. You are a victim. Actually. You are at a crossroad though. You can either plan for your death or keep living considering you have something worth living for despite your setbacks.
When people speak behind you back insulting you. When you only remember the slithers of social success you had when masking.
When even in a psych ward you felt like an outsider. Socially inept virgin. The outsider’s outsider. The outcast’s outcast. When you always looked lost, clueless and ugly.
When being nice was just a social survival strategy. Mind tortures itself with hopes and dreams impossible to achieve. When you drown in overthinking and neuroticism.
When all you hear is family arguments and stress. When you clinged to the one person who showed you a slither of love.
When ur just living day to day When ur too tired to live but to tired to die When you realise you’re just poison to everyone so you isolate anyway. When everyone has to babysit you since a suicide attempt and you lost your freedom
When you talk but get ignored when you dont talk they get creeped out and say why is he so quiet?Whole life i was sheltered and trained to be useless It is gonna end one day so dont worry. Too nt for the non nts. Too non nt for the nts.
When all your memories are comprised of small moments and small meaningless compliments that other people would’ve forgotten because it pales in comparison to the joys others experience.
When i did autistic shit as a cry for help.
If you relate to most of this, you are most likely sub NT. not completely nt but not that non nt.
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